John Cena, Donald Trump Steal the Show at Wrestlemania 23

Now, I know that the Bleacher Report is mostly about mainstream sports—but I'm into breaking barriers.

With that on the table, I open myself to any criticism I get for having the guts to write a column about professional wrestling. Just don't tell me no one cares, because Wrestlemania 23 drew more fans to Detroit's Ford Field than Super Bowl XL.

Aretha Franklin got the blood flowing in Motown with an inspired rendition of "America the Beautiful," and the crowd never looked back. It was a night to remember, with rookies becoming superstars and superstars becoming legends—and the match-by-match breakdown speaks for itself.

Match 1: Money-in-the-Bank Ladder Match

 

The goal: To climb 15 feet in the air and retrieve a briefcase containing a contract guaranteeing the bearer an opportunity to become world champion anytime in a 12-month period. In the third installment of an annual competition, Edge, Randy Orton, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Finlay, King Booker, CM Punk, and Ken Kennedy all took their shot at glory. Things got fun when Finlay's little backup, Hornswoggle, made a run up the ladder...which ended when Kennedy dropped the diminutive nuisance and retrieved the case himself. Kennedy ended his night by sending a warning to all the champs in the dressing room that their next problem would be "Misterrrrrrrr Kennedy...Kennedy!"

 

 

Match 2: Kane vs. The Great Khali

 

For months, these two 7-foot giants have been at each other's throats...and it all came to a head at Wrestlemania. Kane made the kind of history not seen since Hulk Hogan body-slammed Andre the Giant 20 years ago when he picked up the 400-pounder Khali and drove him to the mat. Khali quickly recovered, though, and choke-slammed Kane to pick up the victory. After the match, Khali grabbed Kane's hook from See No Evil and choked out the monster, then exited the ring with his hands in the air.

 

 

Match 3: MVP vs. Chris Benoit for the United States Championship

 

Montel Vontavious Porter, a.k.a. MVP, boasted for weeks that he'd beat Chris Benoit on the grandest stage of them all. Not quite. MVP got off to a strong start, but Benoit gathered his bearings in time to execute a series of German suplexes on his opponent. When Benoit couldn't make MVP tap out with his patented Crippler Crossface, the champ climbed to the top rope and landed a diving headbutt to seal the deal. Benoit retained his title—but he admitted after the match that his challenger had put up a worthy fight.

 

 

Match 4: ECW Originals vs. The New Breed

 

This match wasn't just about business—it was personal: The ECW Originals (The Sandman, RVD, Sabu, and Tommy Dreamer) took on The New Breed of ECW (Elijah Burke, Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von, and Kevin Thorn). The New Breed looked to have a decisive edge over the Originals when Cor Von (a former New England Patriot) took out most of the ol' school crew. But that was before Van Dam tagged in and proceeded to secure the win with a Five Star Frog Splash on Striker. The war may be far from over, but this battle went to the Originals

 

 

Match 5: Batista vs. Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship

 

It was an epic pairing: The Animal versus The Phenom. Batista speared the Undertaker at the opening bell, but the big man fought back. Even a Batista Bomb wasn't enough to drop the Phenom, who countered with a Tombstone piledriver to secure the pin. The victory earned the Undertaker his first title in more than a decade, and improved his Wrestelmania record to 15-0. Not even the sports gods could shrug at such an accomplishment.

 

 

Match 6: Ashley vs. Melina in a Lumberjill Match for the Women's Title

 

Playboy covergirl Ashley has been a thorn in Melina's side ever since Melina won the Women's Championship from Mickie James...only to find that everyone wanted to talk about Hugh Hefner's latest Playmate. The only hope for a resolution: A Lumberjill Match with 10 WWE Divas surrounding the ring. Melina showed some solid athleticism in retaining her title—but the real action came after the match, when Ashley attacked the champ and started an all-out catfight. The crowd didn't complain.

 

 

Match 7: Battle of the Billionaires

 

It was hair vs. hair for Donald Trump and Vince McMahon, as Bobby Lashley (representing Trump) battled Umaga (fighting for McMahon) with a bald head in store for the losing billionaire. As an added bonus, Stone Cold Steve Austin, the next governor of California (or maybe Texas), served as special referee. After an extended ruckus that involved Shane McMahon and a Stone Cold Stunner, Lashley delivered a Spear to secure the victory for Trump. McMahon tried to walk out of the arena, but Trump and Lashley eventually tied him down in a barber's chair and shaved his dome to the skin. For good measure, Stone Cold delivered a Stunner to the Donald before leaving the ring.

 

 

Match 8: John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels for the WWE Championship

 

The Heartbreak Kid said he wasn't leaving without the title. Somebody should have told him that Cena was planning on keeping it. In a back-and-forth battle, both men nailed their finishers and kicked out of pinfalls before Cena finally got Michaels in the STFU. Michaels was forced to tap out, and Cena retained his belt. When it was done, the champ tried to extend his hand to his tag-team partner, but Michaels wouldn't accept the gesture. Cena saluted him instead.

 

And that's pretty much how it went it Detroit: The Undertaker improved on what may be the best record in all of sports (no offense, '72 Dolphins), the Divas were great, and a billionaire left his hair in Michigan.

 

 

And, maybe, just maybe, I opened a door to an intriguing discussion. Or at least I tried. In any event, I hope you enjoyed it.

 

I know I did.

 

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