The Initial, Way-Too-Early BCS Dirty Dozen Cheat Sheet

I’ve never made a big deal of polls or rankings until November because their primary function is to make it easy for people who don’t much care to regularly follow college football to notice numbers beside a school’s name when glancing at a Saturday TV schedule (this is fine). My cynicism aside, though, I’ve decided to, based on Week 7 action, devise a simple cheat sheet on each of the BCS’s newly minted top dozen schools to bring together the minds of both the casual and dedicated college football fan.

The sound you’re hearing is me gentling patting myself on the back. Let’s get started.

1. LSU Near the end of a scoreless first quarter against Tennessee, backup Vol QB Matt Simms completed an impossible pass to WR Raijon Neal over Tiger CB Tyrann Mathieu, the Honey Badger himself, for a 38 yard gain. The next play, Simms felt lucky and chucked it downfield again, but had his jumpball-ish attempt intercepted and run back 89 yards by Morris Claiborne, the opposite LSU CB whose official school picture even appears to be a wry dare to throw it in his direction. These successive plays and knowing that 38 of the game’s next 45 points were scored by LSU is pretty much all you need to know right now.

2. Alabama Until I find a better way to describe Tide RB Trent Richardson, I’m sticking with “unfair good.” The good folks who make Playstation and XBox controllers should at least take into under consideration to add a secret Trent Richardson button to make sure their games are able to understand whatever this move was against Ole Miss. The lesson? Alabama has Richardson and your team doesn’t.

3. Oklahoma There are legitimate concerns about Oklahoma’s red zone ability among smart college football people. Also Oklahoma is averaging nearly 47 points in the Big 12 after games against Texas, Missouri, and Kansas, with Saturday’s Jayhawk affair (30 point win) being looked at as a lethargic one. Seems like a more pressing problem may still be figuring out which industrial strength cleaner is best to remove lingering burnt orange paint off the bottom of the Sooners’ cleats.

4. Oklahoma State Though it must be noted under some sort of statute of which I’m unaware that Cowboy QB Brandon Weeden just turned 28, the more important story is that Oklahoma State is capable of beating teams in any number of interesting ways – on the ground, forcing key turnovers on the road, steadily weathering big opponent first halfs, throwing the ball to a very specific grown-up receiver, and not the least of which, scheduling road games in which the opposing depth chart lists the name “Ash, David” next to where it says “QB.” Crafty.

5.  Boise State The Muscle Hamster, RB Doug Martin, rushed for 200 yards to lead the Broncos’ to an easy 63-13 win over Colorado State. The game was never in doubt, but fans of dominant pass rushers named “Nordly” were left disappointed as the star Colorado State DE was unable to get to Kellen Moore. Yes, Boise State is predictably dominant to the point where I have to find the simply joys in their game, like saying “Nordly” over and over again.

6. Wisconsin At this point, Wisconsin is becoming precise enough with their ruthless B1G stomping that the only real things to take from the Badgers’ win over Indiana is that Hoosiers played well enough to prevent an 80-spot and Wisconsin QB Russell Wilson caught a TD pass from RB Montee Ball (QB rating of 640!). Also, Wisconsin is now officially important enough to warrant a Gameday visit to East Lansing. Yes, East Lansing..

7. Clemson In some circles that I run in, “Clemson” is both a team and a verb capable of simple conjugation (Clemsoned, Clemsoning, etc). It could be very well argued that the Tigers were on their way to an ol’ Clemsoning (build up expectations, lose) on Saturday at Maryland before Sammy Watkins opted to flip whatever switch exists in his legs to “faster.” While a Clemsonation was rather narrowly avoided this week, please never underestimate the dark history it takes to turn a school into a verb. Ever.

8. Stanford Despite the tight score at Washington State at the half (10-7 Stanford), Andrew Luck and his impossible wave of tight ends outscored the Cougars on the road 34-7 in the second half. Raise your hand if you’re not a Stanford fan and you’re fully aware that they have a 6’8” (Osweilerian?) TE named Levine Toilolo? That’s what I thought. I’ll let Job Bluth handle an interpretation of my reaction after seeing Toilolo’s highlights (two catches, two TDs).

9. Arkansas Didn’t play this weekend, but the rest of their schedule looks like this;

@ SEC bottom dweller

@ SEC bottom dweller

Home vs team without star QB (kicked off team) and star RB (season-ending injury)

Home vs team without starting QB (broken thumb)

Home vs most 2011's most disappointing SEC West team who just replaced their starting QB with a guy who completed 38% of his passes on Saturday

@ LSU

Save for the last date, things are coming up Milhouse for the Hogs. See? Good things CAN happen to good people. And Bobby Petrino.

10. Oregon The Ducks are (possibly) down QB Darron Thomas (knee) and starting RB LaMichael James (elbow) and open as 32.5 point favorites at Colorado. Why? After losing Thomas on Saturday against Arizona State, the Ducks simply relied on other players with excessive speed to make a top 25 team look silly. You must also note that Duck coach Chip Kelly is willing to silence your children during fake interviews.

11. Kansas State Not a typo. Through a novel concept centered around not turning the ball over, Kansas State is undefeated through seven college football weeks. Wildcat QB Collin Klein’s play thus far can best be described as “I Got This One, Guys” Mode, as he’s been responsible for 65% of the team’s offense. Saturday at Texas Tech, they were well outgained on 31 more plays, and yet a zero still appears in the loss column. Also, Bill Snyder is roaming the sidelines and is willing to shake hands and congratulate opposing coaches, no matter how quickly they’d like to get away from his strangely endearing (and enduring) presence. 

12. Virginia Tech Two weeks ago, after Hokie QB Logan Thomas didn’t contribute much in the way of meaningful plays for Virginia Tech against Clemson (15-27, 125, 1 INT, 12 rushes, 8 yds), he’s gone and COMPLETELY REDEEMD HIMSELF. In Tech’s  two subsequent games (mind you, against not Clemsons), he’s been remarkably … different (40-57, 590 yds, 5 TDs, 0 INTs). So to those of you who’ll just say Virginia Tech is just in the midst of its typical lose early on the national stage then figure itself out and roll through the ACC, well, you’re probably right. Well played. 

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be  followed on Twitter here.