Arizona Football: A Completely Delusional Route to the Rose Bowl

Delusions are the only means of sanity for those afflicted with Arizona football fandom.

It's a pretendo world filled with slivers of false hope, such as the all-too-brief Desert Swarm Era, Chuck Cecil's 106-yard interception return to take down Arizona State or Ortege Jenkins' Leap by the Lake to propel the school's best season ever.

But it's just never enough. 

Yes, the Rose Bowl does really exist.

Although it may seem like an illusion to those Arizona believers that have watched as Arizona has gone devoid of sniffing The Granddaddy of Them All (it's named that because it's the oldest) in the program's four decades affiliated with the Pac-10, now Pac-12.

Arizona never fails to fail when it comes to finding a way to Pasadena.

Hell, since it's never happened before, why not go ahead and start right here and now?

In the censored version of the immortal words of Lou Brown, it's time to give them all a nice, big poo-burger to eat.

Come inside to see one psychopath's route to pulling off the impossible under Tim Kish—he's the former defensive coordinator turned interim head coach for Arizona—going undefeated over the next six games en route to the Rose Bowl:

He's Gone, Better Learn How to Face It

Let Lane Kiffin summarize the entire Stoops era in one masterfully-phrased sentence.

For some reason, I get the feeling no one in Tucson flinched when Stoops was canned.

Stoops was a distant figure, unlike the previous coach to have bowl-caliber success with the program, Dick Tomey, who lived across the street from the stadium, in the Sam Hughes District, and walked to games on Saturdays.

Since the departure of Stoops, the Arizona Daily Star's Greg Hansen noted his lack of skill socially possibly being a negative influence on recruits coming into the program.

When the general public did get to see Stoops in contact with other human beings, he was usually unleashing a barrage of spit flecks in players, coaches and refs faces as he screamed at them from point-blank.

Besides that, his ability to recognize talent and ability was drawn into serious question through six games this year.

The most obvious personnel blunder was in the kicking department, where he just kept forcing Alex Zendejas and Jaime Salazar into action despite their ridiculous failure percentage.

As soon as Tim Kish put John Bonano in as the placekicker, the special teams no longer seem so pathetic, which we'll get into in greater detail in the next slide.

And the same can be said for Tra'Mayne Bondurant. The freshman defensive back didn't make his first start until last Thursday against UCLA, the first game without Stoops patrolling things.

And Bondurant made an instant impact, particularly with his speed in attacking the quarterback on blitzes. He also led the team in tackles against the Bruins.

John Bonano Will Permanently Deodorize the Foot Funk

If Alex Zendejas lost a toe for each extra point he missed this year—which seems fair—he'd be nearly digit-less on a whole foot.

And Jaime Salazar was his freaking backup...

The duo of Zendejas and Salazar went a combined 14-for-19 on extra points and 2-for-6 on field goals.

It was the worst kicking game in the country.

That must've meant the third-stringer was barely able to stand up straight while talking on the phone, yes? 

Actually, it turns out the stubborn decision to continually trot out Zendejas and Salazar despite consistent failure wasn't the right one after all.

Third-option John Bonano—the guy who was reserved only for kickoff duties for the past two years—was perfect en route to winning Pac-12 Special Teams Player of the Week honors versus UCLA, going 6-for-6 on PATs and 2-for-2 on field goals.

Stoops gets fired and Kish decides he likes the twinkle in Bonano's eye, or something of that variety, and decides to start him.

It was a wise move, one the previous head coach should've given a shot months ago.

Ka'Deem Carey Plays Everywhere All the Time

About time to unleash the true freshman, the most talented running back recruited to Arizona in over a decade.

Carey needs the ball in his hands as often as humanly possible, and he needs it in open space.

Every kickoff should land in his hands.

Half of the handoffs should be funneled to him.

Those dumpoffs from Foles need to be headed his way.

Yes, Keola Antolin deserves plenty of love as well, especially after his outburst of production against UCLA.

But Carey, through just seven games of college-football action, seems to own dynamic scoring ability, a star-in-development combo of speed and power.

If Arizona is going to consistently find its way into the end zone on the ground, that is going to have to happen through Carey.

This is something that Stoops talked about a month ago, and the Cats seemed to be getting the picture as they ramped up his runs-and-catches total against USC, Oregon State and UCLA.

But that total dropped to just six against Washington, one of which was a 41-yard reception. Carey is the type of talent that can turn 12 touches into 100 yards in an instant.

Don't shy away from the youngster.

Step 1 (Complete): Beat UCLA and Force Rick Neuheisel to Sweat out His Future

The only way Arizona sniffs any kind of bowl game is by pulling off a clean sweep of its remaining opponents in the Pac-12 South.

Don't laugh. All right, fine, chuckle, you jerk.

But it's not as intimidating a task as it sounds, and they already own one victory over a division opponent, a 48-12 throttling of UCLA that somehow did not cost Rick Neuheisel his job.

It all started on a Thursday night, October 20, Tim Kish's debut taking over for Stoops, in yet another ESPN televised game.

Arizona had played on ESPN three times previously this year and was shredded each time.

That all changed versus the Bruins.

Nick Foles threw three touchdown passes in the opening two quarters, Arizona's previously-weak ground game rushed for 254 yards and the defense punished UCLA quarterback Kevin Prince into a 17-for-35 night.

Still, despite playing its best game in nearly a year, Arizona managed to make itself look bad for a little while, a bench-clearing brawl resulting in five suspensions, all in Arizona's defensive backfield.

This was Arizona's best game of the season to date.

Step 2 (November 5) : Make Utah Play Colorado for the Right to Last Place

A two-time BCS victor, Utah was a test case for those non-power conferences that are occasionally shutout of the highest-level bowl games due to lack of affiliation.

"We're under the microscope," Whittingham told Sports Illustrated before the season. 

That microscope is exposing many of the program's flaws.

Just past the midway point of their inaugural Pac-12 season, the Utes are 1-4 in the conference and 4-4 overall.

They snared their first Pac-12 win last Saturday, taking down one of the worst teams in the North, Oregon State, 27-8 in Utah.

Utah last forced the hand of the Bowl Championship Series in 2009 as a member of the Mountain West Conference, taking down Alabama 31-17 in the Sugar Bowl en route to a 13-0 season.

In 2011, they rode an early eight-game win spree into the BCS talk before being routed 47-7 by TCU, followed by a 28-3 beating by Notre Dame. Then they lost to Boise State in the Maaco Bowl to end things. 

That's not the momentum they were looking to power onto a new level.

And the hangover never ended.

But they still have a chance to guarantee another bowl game by taking down three of their next four opponents.

That will include taking down an Arizona squad on its last breath from bowl elimination on Saturday in Tucson. It's Arizona's homecoming.

Step 3 (November 12): Prolong the Buffaloes' Miserable Debut Season

At least the Colorado Buffaloes still have the sweetest pregame intro featuring a charging wild animal in the Pac-12. 

Ralphie owns your life, Traveler.

No one expected to see Colorado in the hunt for the South in the Buffs' debut season in the conference.

And they've lived up to their billing, currently standing at 0-5 in the conference and 1-8 overall.

 

The checklist of weaknesses runs long:

—A first-year coach, Jon Embree, who owned absolutely no experience running a program before this year.
—A defense that ranks 115th in the nation in 2011, and an offense that is 110th overall.
—The team's star players, cornerback Jimmy Smith and offensive lineman Nate Solder, are now on NFL rosters, and their replacements are not of the same caliber.
—They have had one of the most torturous schedules in the country. More than half of their games have been against teams that made bowls in 2011.
—A string of weak recruiting classes has left the depth chart thin.
—Injuries have occurred by the boatload.

 

The checklist of strengths...not so long:

—18 starters returned from last year, including starting QB Tyler Hansen and RB Rodney Stewart, both of whom have ultimately missed chunks of time due to injury.
—The Dan Hawkins era mercifully ended, as he went a combined 19-39 in five years, never coming close to duplicating his Boise State success. Any trace of success will be an improvement over that run.
—A fresh slate for the new brain trust. Goodwill is high and should be all season, regardless of on-the-field output. Leeway is a beautiful thing. Wins are still an afterthought right now.

Although the Buffaloes will play only nine official Pac-12 games, they already had Cal scheduled before joining the conference this year.

They played and lost to the Bears at home earlier in the season, meaning they have a real chance at losing an unprecedented 10 games to in-conference foes.

 

Step 4 (November 19): Taste the Tears of Arizona State

Arizona State is widely considered the heavyweight in the Pac-12 South (USC is currently relegated to non-factor status due to NCAA sanctions), with talented head-case Vontaze Burfict challenging for the nation's top defensive player and Brock Osweiler emerging as a potential near-the-top-of-the-conference QB.

But this is still a mentally unstable crew, as evidenced in the 41-27 hurting it received from Oregon two weeks ago.

Burfict is the most gifted linebacker in the country.

And he is also a terrible leader, setting the wrong kind of tone for a team in need of guidance. It was his personal-foul penalty on a late hit that helped set up an early Oregon score, sacking the decent momentum the Sun Devils owned at the time.

The 6'3", 245-pound mass of rage went off on one of his own, allegedly punching freshman wide receiver Kevin Ozier just before the year started. That was a lame start to things, and he has not lived up to his billing. He's not even the leading tackler on his own team, perhaps buying into his own hype more expected.

The Sun Devils field a wealth of experience, including one of the nation's under-heralded quarterbacks, the 6'8" Osweiler. And if Dennis Erickson could have instilled any trace of discipline in this unit, ASU's ceiling might have been enough to sneak into the BCS.

But that isn't going to happen, and the Sun Devils are going to underachieve once again, costing them a shot at national glory. Let the late-season meltdown commence.

Arizona needs Arizona State to embark on a massive year-ending losing freefall to own any shot at the conference championship game.

November 19 needs to mark Arizona State's third-straight loss, followed up the next week by losing to an awful Cal team. 

Step 5 (November 26): Rage on the Cajuns'

This game is all but meaningless in terms of the Rose Bowl.

But it's always enjoyable to toss a midget.

However, this is a not a weakling of a small-school squad.

The Ragin' Cajuns not only own an awesome nickname, but they're also the second-best team in the Sun Belt Conference, sitting at 7-2 overall on the season, one of those losses coming against an Oklahoma State squad that also torched Arizona.

If Arizona were to pull off the ridiculous in winning the three games before this, but then fail to make it into the Rose Bowl due to a fall in the conference championship game, this would give the Wildcats six wins and increase their bowl worthiness.

Tim Kish's Wildcats need to be riding a win-spree into this one in order to avoid seeing the lowest attendance at Arizona Stadium in a long, long time. 

Talk about a scheduling snafu: Louisiana-Lafayette on Thanksgiving weekend for the last game of the season? The free tickets will be flowing in Tucson unless Arizona comes in at 5-6, towing a mass of momentum into the conference finale.

Step 6 (December 2): Win the Pac-12 Championship, Watch Tucson Lose Its Mind

Let's get greedy in Fantasyland.

If the last five steps are completed as planned, the Cats will face either Oregon or Stanford, two teams that completely smashed Arizona during the early-season skid that spelled doom almost as soon as things started.

Now is time for sweet, sweet redemption. 

Arizona must take down either Chip Kelly's offensively-unstoppable Oregon Ducks, a team that saw star back LaMichael James total 288 yards rushing on 23 carries and two touchdowns in Tucson on September 24. 

If it's not Oregon, they'll have to beat maybe the best college quarterback in NCAA history, Stanford's Heisman Trophy shoo-in Andrew Luck

Oh, LaMichael James and Andrew Luck, your tears taste delicious.

And those roses smell like Pasadena.