The Postgame Tailgate: College Football's Most Important Week One Things Ever

It’s been awhile, but college football happened this weekend, as it also did Thursday and Friday night. The following is every single thing you should care about, as well as a sideline reporter drinking pickle juice in unbearable southern heat, which you now probably also find yourself caring about. Welcome to The Postgame Tailgate.

The ESS-EE-SEE ATHLETES

Fact: LSU overwhelmed Oregon by not fumbling, not leg whipping, and not relying on an offense built around the almighty three-yard out. This isn’t meant to diminish the efforts of the Tigers and their ability to run and stop the run (and watch Oregon QB Darron Thomas out-Jarrett Lee Jarrett Lee), but let’s relax with the whole, “It’s just different in the South, we play real football here!”

“Why?” you say.

A commuter school in Idaho and a four-win 2010 WAC school taking the defending champs the distance are why. Enjoy the sundresses and how awesome your teams (mostly) are and maybe lose the geographic complex. Don’t tell anyone, but it reads as insecure.

The Lightning 

West Virginia’s game against in-state rival Marshall was called with the Mountaineers up 21 early in the fourth quarter because of crazy sky electricity.

Saturday’s Michigan game and relatively acceptable defensive performance against Western Michigan got called with the Wolverines up 24 late in the third quarter due to… dangerous lightning conditions.

Nearby, the Notre Dame game saw multiple delays for both weather concerns and to a lot for the time it took for scouting services to individually apologize to fans for inflating the star rankings of the Irish recruits that went on to lose to South Florida.

Also, it must be too late to work a lip reader into the NBC production budget, right? If George Costanza can use one for evil, it should be open season for the peacock to use with Brian Kelly’s meltdowns.

[Closed Caption: NMERKMBPWMNFGKMNSDFOKGADFSN!!!!!!]

The Transfer 

Wisconsin QB Russell Wilson made relatively quick work of UNLV Thursday night, which, though still early in his tenure in Madison, puts him in an elite group of players informally known as “most college quarterbacks.”

The Issue of Whether or Not Oregon State Embarrassed the Pac-12 

It’s the former.

The Handsy Angelenos

The City of Angels, thanks to NCAA sanctions and the continued employment of Rick Neuheisel, may not be anywhere near the epicenter of college football, but Saturday’s two best catches were made by a Bruin and a Trojan. The magic is tempered when you realized the receptions came in a road loss to a Conference USA team and an underwhelming last minute win against a terrible pass D. But other than that…

The Question: Robot, Cyborg, or Human?

Baylor QB Robert Griffin III, who’s arguably better at college football than both of the Robert Griffins that preceded him, picked apart (note: threw over) a typically stout TCU defense. As good as he was last year, it felt like a necessary software update happened at some point during fall camp. Add in his impatience for frivolous human contact (2:12 in), and we have a unanimous verdict. ROBOT.

Alabama RB Trent Richardson, who for the third straight year MAY BE EVEN BETTER THAN MARK INGRAM (he isn’t), averaged just as many yards per carry as his quarterbacks did interceptions (two!) against Kent State. Seriously guys, he’s like a better-dressed version of Earl Campbell mixed with Gayle Sayers. But better. HUMAN.

USC QB Matt Barkley completed 75% of his (45!) pass attempts with a hearty percentage thrown to the robotic Robert Woods. He gets minus points for needing that many attempts to put away a rebuilt Minnesota secondary, but with a Trojan running game straddling the line between “frail” and “tardy,” Barkley in turn points for simply moving the ball in a forward direction. CYBORG.

The Healthy September Quarterback

Is Nebraska openly plotting to attack the Big Ten with Taylor Martinez running a throwback triple option offense? After Saturday’s easy win over Chattanooga, the answer is a resounding “possibly.”

Lucky for the Huskers, their September is highlighted by Pat Hill losing to anyone, anywhere, and a Washington defense that’s perfectly happy to give up 500 yards to whatever a “Bo Levi Mitchell” is. I’m told it’s a directional school quarterback.

The Two-Headed Monsters

Show me a team with two quarterbacks and I’ll show you a particular crimson team that threw four total INTs against a MAC school or a particular blue and white team that used a pair of signal callers to combine for a total of 110 yards.

Oh and the two teams play each other next week in what is now, thanks to the magic number of four participating quarterbacks, technically an orgy.

The Week One Awards, or “Posties”

Best WR You Didn’t and Will Never See

Marquess Wilson, Washington State – 91 yards, TD (all in the first half of a blowout)

Best Trick Shot to Actual Starting QB Job

Johnny McEntee, UConn – your move, Pool Domination guys

Best Use of Restraint

Vontaze Burfict, ASU LB – three sacks, zero penalties, zero UC Davis heads on pikes

Best Cramp Limp

Casey Pachall, TCU QB – he may still be trying to get off the Baylor field

Best Meaningless Leading National Rusher

Malcolm Agnew, Oregon State – 223 yards vs Sacramento State (in a loss)

Best Stadium Bros

Kyle Field -- Texas A&M/SMU (this actually may just become the Kyle Field Award)

The Pickle Juice

Because sometimes you just need a sideline reporter sampling pickle juice on the sideline to pass the time, I give you... a sideline reporter sampling pickle juice.

I still vote for Rob Stone and the illegally hot peppers of New Mexico.

On to a less lightning-y Week Two!

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.