NBA Lockout: Imagining Dialogue from a Bargaining Session

The rhetoric and position jockeying have reached new, toxic levels in the NBA’s near-two-month-old labor dispute. The verbal jousting ranges from passive-aggressive to downright jaw dropping.

The outlook for a resolution has turned from atrocious to worse.

David Stern reminds his players how much he “cares for their well being” when he discusses what they might lose in an extended lockout and if some opt to play overseas.

Some nincompoop on the union’s side of the table allowed unflattering information to leak about a renegade position. The owners should just break even?

This could take awhile.

Since this stalemate figures to last beyond when training camps would begin, at least, I decided to ditch another doom and gloom, serious column idea in favor of good ol’ fashioned satire.

Do you ever wonder what happens in these player-owner sessions? If neither side can make substantial concessions or switch positions, why meet at all?

This fabricated conversation is one man’s humorous take on what occurs behind the closed doors. Please digest this in the silly manner in which it is intended.

Instead of reading this like a transcript, see it as a door ajar. See it as an invitation to eavesdrop on recent boardroom proceedings. What do diehard hoops fanatics have without laughter?

Session begins.

Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver: Good morning. Thanks for coming to this latest bargaining session. We have much work to do and little time to do it, so let’s get started.

Lawyer 1: Where the hell are the donuts? I was told there would be donuts?

Unnamed Player: I wish Tyreke Evans would stop doing those in parking lots.

David Stern: Focus, focus. The donuts are in the copy room across the hall. Please get some at your leisure. (He thinks to himself: I need to fart. Should I pull a Barney Frank? At least this isn't on live TV)

Stern adopts his best poker face. A sordid smell fills the room.

Dallas Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban: Did someone just cut the cheese?

Sacramento Kings Co-Owner Joe Maloof: You doled out $92 million worth of it, Mark, to win a championship. That’s one of the reasons we’re here.

Sacramento Kings Co-Owner Gavin Maloof: I just wish we weren’t losing so much money to stay in Sacramento. Have you been in Power Balance Pavilion lately, folks? That place is a dump.

Cuban: I took a big one in a visitor’s locker room toilet last time I was there. Sorry about that, guys.

Stern: Let’s rehash the issues, shall we? (Looks at the assembly of 60-plus players) Though we understand your reservations in giving back money, we still need your proposal to meet the league’s financial reality.

We cannot continue to hemorrhage money at the current rate. The NBA lost in excess of $300 million the last season, and we need a hard cap to control costs.

Players Association President Derek Fisher: (interrupting) A hard cap remains a non-starter for us. We appreciate and understand the financial concerns, but we are opposed to a flex cap, a hard cap or any other cap that presents fixed spending limits.

Phoenix Suns Owner Robert Sarver: We will get a hard cap, Derek, if it takes sabotaging the entire season. I’m used to getting what I want.

Players Association Executive Director Billy Hunter: We need to keep this cordial, Mr. Sarver. If we can’t accomplish anything, at least we can be nice to one another. That said, the hard cap sucks.

Stern: Excuse me?

Hunter: It’s a terrible idea that will slash jobs. Why can’t the owners commit to sharing more revenues and making better personnel decisions? That will solve all your money problems, David.

Fisher: (nods in excited agreement) We hold our position. We’ll maintain that until the end.

Silver: Sharing revenue without changing the salary structure would just distribute more losses. That hard cap is a must for stability. We want all 30 teams to compete for a championship.

Minnesota Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor: Even me?

Silver: (corrects himself) OK, 29 teams.

Charlotte Bobcats Owner Michael Jordan: I keep cutting payroll, and we keep losing. I don’t get it.

PA Vice President Roger Mason Jr.: You have to spend money to acquire talent and win.

Cuban: Right.

Taylor: Why did I give Darko Milicic four years and $20 million?

Stern and Silver: (together, like a married couple) We were kind of wondering about that.

San Antonio Spurs Owner Peter Holt: I still have to pay Richard Jefferson more than $30 million the next three years. I even stood up and clapped for him at a playoff game.

Memphis Grizzlies Owner Michael Heisley: I appreciated you overpaying him, Peter. He helped us win that first-round series.

Lawyer 2: Did someone say something about donuts? I was power napping. Sorry

Lawyer 1: (barges in to the room) The damn coffee machine is broken.

Fisher: Perhaps we could stop talking about coffee and do some negotiating.

Hunter: Nah, Derek. What’s there to negotiate? We still disagree on the basic issues.

Fisher: Oh yeah. Right. That hard cap thing.

PA Board Member Chris Paul: Can someone tell me what’s gonna’ happen with the Hornets? Why does the NBA have to leave me hanging like that?

Gavin Maloof: Why are we suing Jimmer Fredette?

PA Board Member Matt Bonner: Why is the NBA suing me? Who would sue me? I mean, seriously? All I want is a good sandwich.

Stern: We can’t answer any of those questions until we finish an agreement.

New York Knicks All-Star Amar’e Stoudemire: Fat chance.

Lawyer 1: Kobe Bryant has an offer to go play in China. They’re going to pay him $1.2 million per month.

Before Stern or anyone else can respond, Fisher and Hunter pull their attorney aside and whisper what seems from afar like sweet nothings into his ear.

Fisher: What about that thing where China didn’t want any NBA players to sign with teams in that country?

Hunter: Oops.

The three return to their seats.

Lawyer 1: Scratch that. Kobe has an offer in Europe. We’re not sure about the country, but we know he wants to play somewhere on that continent.

Lakers Owner Jerry Buss: Over my dead body. This threat isn’t working, anyway. The last time the Lakers went to Europe, some Spanish team beat us. I think Kobe wants to compete against teams he can beat, like the Celtics.

Fisher: That was preseason, Dr. Buss. None of us cared.

Boston Celtics Sharpshooter Ray Allen: I resent that, Dr. Buss.

Taylor: I’ve got some Spanish kid coming to play for me next year. What’s his name again?

Miami Heat Owner Micky Arison: Ricky Rubio. How could you forget that kid’s name, Glen?

Taylor: Do I look like the kind of owner who keeps track of the players on his team? I didn’t even realize Kevin McHale was still the GM when someone suggested I fire him.

Houston Rockets Owner Leslie Alexander: Hey, I just hired him to coach my squad! I love the guy. He understands how the NBA has changed.

Bonner: Change? Aren’t we still doing and saying the same things we were a month ago?

Cuban: Right.

Another sordid smell fills the room.

Silver: (with an irritated look) OK, who farted this time?

Jordan: (violently fans his nose with his hands) That one smelled like my team.

Arison: I wish we could get something done. My franchise increased $60 million in value after we signed LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

Taylor: I signed the Spanish basketball version of Justin Bieber.

Cuban: You couldn’t even remember his name. I (wears a Texas-sized grin) traded for Rudy Fernandez.

Holt: I still love me some Manu Ginobili.

Mason Jr.: I wonder what happens with all the hot dogs the fans don’t eat at games?

New York Knicks Owner James Dolan: We feed the homeless, I think.

A Third Lawyer: Be careful, James. Don’t confuse this with the time your former GM tried to show an intern his hot dog.

Stern: Can we at least discuss some figures? There must be something productive we can do with this time.

Silver: Nah. We have to wait until it’s time to torpedo the season. Then both sides will muster some urgency.

Bonner: I just want a sandwich.

Mason Jr.: Fair enough. You still have that Subway coupon?

Bonner: Yep.

Hunter: Sandwiches it is...How about this time next week, David?

Stern: I can’t. I’m unavailable for two weeks. Oh, and please don’t get mad when I blame the cancellation of a negotiation session on the union.

Hunter: I can’t meet, either. Please don’t scowl when I blame the inactivity on you.

Lawyer 1: I still haven’t found those donuts.

Bonner: Come get a sandwich with us. I want something on rye or herb-focaccia today, maybe with some Monterrey-Jack or Colby-Jack.

Cuban: That sounds delicious.

Holt: Amen, Mark.

Fisher: I’m hungry.

Silver: At least we can all agree on that.