NFL: The Most Exciting Scenarios for Each Team, Part II

Midsummer is the most bleak season for sports fans. To soothe our souls from the torment of sports Purgatory, let’s take a quick and flippant look at each team’s most exciting possibilities for 2011. This is Part II (Miami through Washington).

To view Part I, click here: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/749240-the-most-exciting-nfl-scenarios-for-each-team-part-i

The Miami Dolphins Sang to Me

With the passing game finally polished, the Dolphins advance deeper into the playoffs than the cleft in Chad Henne's chin. The Wildcat formation is banished to a distant memory. Marc Anthony, J-Lo and Gloria Estefan celebrate their celebrity ownership by dancing to Estefan's hit song "Turn the 'Fins Around."

Minnesota Vikings Enjoy a Favre-Less Fall

Brett Favre stays retired. 'Nough said. In other news, Adrian Peterson doesn't fumble all year.

Patriots Muster a Strong Showing in 2011

The Patriots bring a perfect record into the Super Bowl against the Giants and close them out with ease. Bill Belichick is dogged all season by accusations that he broke into the Colts' locker room to steal plays.

He is exonerated when NFL officials discover hidden footage that show that he just wandered in and swiped a hoodie. This is dubbed Lockergate.

Reggie Bush Runs Through Defenders Like a Knight Runs Through Another Knight

Reggie Bush runs for 1,500 yards between the tackles. Drew Brees gains revenge on Oprah for the birthmark incident by writing a strongly worded letter to the editor of "O, the Magazine" decrying the vapid nature of that periodical's articles.

Giants Receivers Don't Injure Themselves with Weapons

Tom Coughlin scowls his way through the season, despite his team's effectiveness. Mario Manningham, Hakeem Nicks and the other Steve Smith are efficient, and better yet, they don't shoot themselves.

The New York Jets Put the Knocks into Noxious

Rex Ryan and the Jets appetite (which in Ryan's case is considerable) for victory sends them to the postseason and over the AFC Championship game hump. Once in the Super Bowl, punter Steve Weatherford scores the game-winning touchdown on a fake punt. (There's a shout-out to my brother from Terre Haute, Indiana.)

Oakland Raiders March Forward behind New Coach Hue Jackson

The Silver and Black take on a Jackson hue in 2011. Keyed by a stout defense and a workmanlike offense, the Raiders rise to a level of mediocrity only before achieved by the Houston Texans.

Steve Miller Says That Philadelphia Will Fly Like an Eagle in 2011

Michael Vick's efficient pocket passing and DeSean Jackson's plethora of 50-plus yard catch-and-runs drive the Eagles deep into the playoffs. Andy Reid never regrets refusing to partake in the delectable summer treat of Korn on the Kolb.

It's Curtains for the Rest of the League When Pittsburg Goes on a Roll

Mike Tomlin's fierce visage inspires the Steelers to great heights. They make it to the Super Bowl and Ben Rothlisberger wins it for the team by taking over as a tackle on the O-line and letting Chuck Batch run through the hole he blasted for the game-winning touchdown.

Super Chargers Bolt to an Fast Start...For a Change

In an abrupt departure from their past ways, the Chargers start out the season by rattling off six straight wins. To celebrate, the Chargers offer a special Week 7 "Lights Out" promotion to the fans who come out to Qualcomm Stadium. Anyone who brings in a Shawne Merriman bobblehead is issued a little tiny Buffalo Bills jersey to put on it. Many bobbleheads died to bring us this information.

San Francisco 49ers a Treat in 2011

49er faithful moon over new coach Jim Harbaugh as a distinct upgrade over Mike "Pants on the Ground" Singletary. The stout defense (led by Patrick "What You Talkin' About" Willis) pushes San Francisco to the upper echelon of their division. This would be impressive if they weren't in the NFC West.

Seattle Seahawks Go a-Carolling

Charlie Whitehurst gets a haircut. Matt Hasselbeck gets a wig. All is right with the world.

St. Louis Rams Batter Their Way to the Playoffs

Steven Jackson finally gets some help from the passing game as Sam Bradford develops a strong rapport with Donnie Avery, Danny Amendola and Kevin Curtis.

Some guy named Mardy Gilyard (who supposedly caught six passes for the Rams in 2010) decides to change the "d" in his first name to a "t" because he's sick of the BMV getting confused when he renews his license.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Buck Their Recent Trends

The Bucs bring back the sweet-action creamsicle jersey. The not-scary feather-plumed pirate who precariously bites a dagger logo also returns. Fortunately, however, Tampa Bay's record from those woeful days does not return.

Titan Up! Tennessee Builds Insurance against Failure

Kerry Collins returns for one last triumphant season. Chris Johnson runs for 3,000 yards. New coach Mike Munchak inexplicably grows a thick mustache.

Mike Shanahan Swallows the Key to the Shed so Dan Snyder Can't Get out

The Redskins lock Daniel Snyder in a garden shed behind FedEx Field during free-agency period. It takes four running backs (Clinton Portis, Ryan Torian, Larry Johnson and Willie Parker) to do for Mike Shanahan what one (Terrell Davis) did in Denver. He rides his running backs to another Super Bowl.