Arsenal: 5 Ways the Gunners Can Still Win the League

Last Sunday, Arsenal watched its title hopes slip through its fingers.

Or did it?

Robin van Persie instilled the Emirates with the burning star of hope with his brilliantly placed penalty kick in the 100th minute. Gunners were still on United’s tail.

Then there was the part where Emmanuel Eboue managed to throw it all away with a very poorly judged American football tackle.

The cynics say that Arsenal’s title hopes for the 2010-11 EPL season died with Dirk Kyut’s penalty kick, but that’s far form the truth. Here are five ways the Gunners can still win the league.

Photo: Arsene Wenger watches as vultures pick at the corpses of his nemeses.

1. Bribery and Coercion

Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

LONDON, ENGLAND - APRIL 06: Edwin van der Sar of Manchester United celebrates as Wayne Rooney scores their first goal during the UEFA Champions League quarter final first leg match between Chelsea and Manchester United at Stamford Bridge on April 6, 2011

Some good, old-fashioned bribery and coercion never hurt anyone.

First, new Arsenal owner, American billionaire Stan Kroenke, will put some money in the pockets of linesmen and officials throughout the league to ensure not only that United suffers a string of losses, but that Arsenal wins all of its games for the rest of the season.

Coercion follows. The Gunners will pay some Brazilian thugs of the type found populating violent fantasias such as “City of God” to abduct the family of Rafael da Silva and send a note: “You will see your family again when Arsenal wins the league.”

Then, threaten to ban Edwin Van Der Sar from all leisure activities for senior citizens in his country upon retirement unless he blows all of the Red Devil’s remaining games and hand Arsenal the title.

Photo: No! Not my membership to the swan boating club and my Dutch AARP card!

2. Sabotage

What’s life without a little sabotage?

In order to sabotage their way to the top of the league, Wenger and his motley crew would have to attack directly at the core of Manchester United.

First, Wenger would hire Tonya Harding to smash up Wayne Rooney’s legs. Then, Nani falls ill after drinking Gatorade from a shipment bearing a mysterious return address: Emirates.

Other acts of sabotage available to Wenger and co. include replacing the pitch at Old Trafford with the Great Pit of Carkoon, replete with Sarlacc, black magic, Faustian pacts and sending their teenage players to study at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Photo: First I'm going to break your leg with a pipe, then I'm going to rip your face off and eat it.

3. Time Travel

A little bit of time travel could easily save Arsenal’s season.

First, they’d travel back to February 5th, head up to Newcastle and actually play the second half of the match. After that little jaunt, the side would travel to November 20th and not blow a two-goal lead over Tottenham.

From there, Arsenal has a number of options, all of which entail fixing matches that ended in lamentable draws. There’s the December 29th contest with Wigan, the March 5th 0-0 snoozefest against Sunderland or the April 2nd draw with Blackburn.

Fixing these games would gift Arsenal 15 points, enough to not only eclipse United, but to soar far ahead of the Red Devils in the title contest. 

Photo: Marty McFly's mind is blown when he looks at his EPL watch and sees all the points Arsenal has dropped against crap teams this season, so he jumps in his Dolorean and heads to Emirates.

4. Petition to Change the Rules of International Football

This is a relatively vague suggestion that would have the Gunners doing everything from implementing a golf-like strategy whereby the team with the fewest number of points wins to allowing the use of mixed martial arts as a defensive tactic.

Here’s our suggestion: arrange the points system in the same way that various governments control greenhouse gas emissions, through caps and bartering.

For instance, it seems more or less certain that Barcelona will win La Liga with points to spare. So, Wenger gets on the blower with Pep Guardiola and suggests trading Cesc Fabregas for £30 million plus five points. That puts the Gunners just shy of United.

Or, for a domestic example, Wenger reaches out to Blackpool, who face certain relegation, and offers to coach them once he’s been fired from Arsenal in exchange for the 10 or so points the Gunners need to come out winners in this year’s EPL title contest.

Photo: A mock up of the points trading system that may save the Gunners' 2010-11 season.

5. Hire a Hollywood Scriptwriter

If the Gunners hire a Hollywood scriptwriter to chart the rest of their season, they won’t only win the EPL, they’ll become presidents of their respective nations.

First, UEFA will discover some discrepancy in the rules that will allow Arenal to re-enter the Champions League at the expense of Barcelona.

Then, a pack of apocalyptic zombie ferrets will pop up from the pitch at the United training ground and consume all of the Red Devils.

Then, the Queen will order the bombing of Old Trafford on account of some traitorous activity, such as treason, treachery, toiletries or licentious depravity.

While this is going on, the Spanish armada, in collusion with Jose Mourinho, plans a surprise attack on north London. War ships sail unnoticed down the Thames, only to be confronted by Fabregas, Nasri, van Persie and more, dressed as pirates and manning cannons.

The Gunners defeat the Spanish armada, at which point all members of the team become honorary British citizens and are knighted. Then they win the Champions League and the EPL, only to return to their home nations to work on the family farm and ride unicorns.

Photo: Rudy: the working class Notre Dame star or Wayne Rooney with hair?