College Football Dictionary for Dummies, Vol. 2

Now that you have a basic understanding of football, it's time to get a bit more complicated with some schemes, more positions, and more football-oriented terms.

Long snapper: A player who specializes in long snaps and/or hiking the ball over the head-case's hands in punt formation.

Center: Supposedly, the smartest guy on the field.

Guard: The guy who nobody cares about.

Tackle: The guy who holds every defensive player showing blitz, and is not as smart as the center.

Showing blitz: A way to make the quarterback crap in his pants.

Blitz: A premeditated attempt of murder on the quarterback, or a way to expose blatant holding from the least smartest guy on the line.

Holding: What happens on every play, but is only called when a touchdown or critical third down conversion is made in your team's two-minute drill.

Two-minute drill: A last ditch effort to win the game that fails due to the least smartest guy on the field getting caught holding. A drill that really requires four minutes.

Safety: A two point penalty for the team that has the least smartest guy not holding, dammit.

Flushing out the quarterback: When the QB has noticed that none of his linemen are holding.

The pocket: Where all quarterbacks die.

Sack: When the quarterback has been in the pocket too long, or the least smartest guy wasn't holding long enough.

Offsides: When ADD kicks in.

Encroachment: A term to confuse football fans.

Roughing the passer: Justice...if the QB is 35/42 for 350 yards.

Shotgun: When the QB has no O-line to protect him from a sack and he stands eight feet behind center, thereby ensuring the sack will have 10 times the force upon impact.

Coach: The guy who hires brilliant assistant coaches so he can make 3 million dollars a year to macro-manage and lose in a BCS Bowl and then blame his assistants.

Two-point conversion: What your team never succeeds with when there's 3 seconds left in the game.

Bomb: A pass of over 40 yards in the air, usually just off the fingertips of a wide-open receiver, and causes every fan to get religious at once, yelling, "Jesus Christ."

4-3: Four down linemen, three in the box, and no prayer in stopping a blast play from the offense.

3-4: Three down linemen, four in the box and a first down for the O if they run the ball.

5-2: Two guards, two tackles, a nose guard and two in the box- why quarterbacks have high completion passes.

Stacking the line: What stops Superman.

Man-to-man, man: A defensive scheme where every DB is assigned to cover a particular receiver or RB in motion, but rarely does.

Zone: A defensive scheme that covers an area, rather than a player.

Blown coverage: When a DB is in a zone and the rest of the D is in man. D'oh.

Unsportsman-like conduct for excessive celebration: Something that pisses off Urban Meyer and Tyrone Willingham.

Running up the score: Something Spurrier used to do in the good ol' days, and Meyer still does.

Official review: What Ed Hochuli hates. Also, a good way to embarrass sportscasters who are always wrong in their analysis of the review. See ESPN's Pam Ward for further explanation.

$8 beers: A drink that is never too expensive to drink on Saturdays, except when it makes it back to your seat with a third of it spilled.

Nachos: Stale chips and fake Velveeta with two sliced jalapenos drowning in a gooey mess that end up on your new, white $65 coach's shirt.

Tailgating: A primitive human experiment to see if a fan really does save more money by not eating the concession food at the stadium. A feast that precedes more gorging at the stadium.

Cotton candy: A blue mess that you buy for your kids to keep them happy but it usually ends up in the hair of the fan in front of you.

Face tattoo: Something that only looks good on hot chicks.

Lee Corso: A current salesman for Ticonderoga pencils and ex-Big Ten coach who hit the jackpot.

Kirk Herbstreit: Why housewives watch football.

Lou Holtz: Propaganda.

Erin Andrews: Why men watch bad football anyway.

Desmond Howard: Unintentional comic relief and someone no fan knows how to chat with on-line.

ESPN: The BCS.

Brawl in the stands: What happens when the fan in front of you discovers blue cotton candy in their hair or when a Raiders fan "mistakenly" pours beer down the back of a Chargers fan.

Play clock: Controlled by someone who, when your team is in a two-minute drill, obviously hates your team and "forgets" to stop it.

The chain gang: The guys who keep track of the referee's bad spots.

Breaking the plane: Guaranteed official review.

Playoffs: Justice for fans who watch football for the love of the game. 

BCS: Proof that schools play for the love of money.