Have A Seat In The Dugout, Lugo – No Post-Season For You

As the Boston Red Sox get ready for the 2008 post-season, I hear that Julio Lugo might be coming off the DL and returning to the starting line-up at shortstop.  I didn’t think it was possible to laugh and vomit at the same time, but I just did.  Julio Lugo over Jed Lowrie?!  Ha Ha Ha.  Barf. 

 

As an avid Sox fan, this is a no-brainer: Lowrie is the man, folks.  Period.  If I were Terry Francona, I’d show both players a two-headed coin, flip it, then let Jed call it in the air.

 

In July, when Lugo went down with a fake injury (wink) to his right quadriceps and a bruise to his swelled ego, rookie Jed Lowrie stepped-in and provided a much-needed spark to the team at shortstop with his solid defense and timely hitting.  He has proven to be the better all-around player and he deserves the starting gig in the playoffs. 

 

Lugo is a nice guy, but I’m still gonna dump on him because his lackluster play has earned it.  I’m not saying he’s a bad player – I’m saying he’s a terrible player.  You know how some hitters point to left field to call their home run shot?  Well, when Lugo steps to the plate, he points his finger at the third baseman to indicate an upcoming 6-4-3 double play. 

 

Opposing teams no longer fear him – they mock him.  When Lugo is batting, you can hear the pitcher telling his defense to “Move in,” while the third baseman shouts, “No batter, no batter.” 

 

I’ve always cheered for the guy, but whenever he’s at the plate in a ‘must-hit’ situation, he lets us down and puts me in a ‘must-hit’ situation, and I end up putting my fist through the wall or kicking the sofa ‘till my toes bleed.  I also develop an abrupt case of Tourette’s Syndrome when my passion for the game is on display. 

 

I have a similar reaction when Dice-K is on the mound.  He’ll walk the lead-off batter, hit the next guy, and then walk another batter.  Before you know it, the bases are loaded and my living room lamp is on the floor in ten pieces.  But, somehow, he manages to escape the inning by giving up only one run!  Houdini would be proud.  How he gives up 34 walks in 5 innings and still gets the win is mind-boggling to me.     

 

I don’t know which is more painful to watch: Dice-K’s control problems after 2/3 of an inning or a Pauley Shore movie marathon on TBS.  Both seem to drag on forever, but you keep watching; and, even though you cringe, shake your head in disgust, experience nausea and shout “this is ridiculous” ten times throughout, you can’t help but pray that it will soon come to an end.  The only difference between Dice-K and Shore is that Dice-K has talent…and he’s funnier.  

 

Lugo seems to get a big hit when the Sox are up, 14-1, or when they’re down, 11-2.  He rarely comes through in clutch spots and doesn’t make a habit of getting on base.  If you gave him four strikes, or allowed him to swing one those red, Fat Albert-sized wiffle ball bats, or had the pitchers throw underhand to him, I don’t think his OBP would increase that much.  

 

He wears number 23, but it would’ve been more fitting if the Sox issued him number 643 or 911.  And it’s not just me.  Everybody knows what a ‘bust’ he’s been since joining the team in 2007: Men, women, children, pets, Martians – it’s no big secret. 

 

Did you ever read those stories about ballplayers visiting terminally ill children in the hospital, and their dying wish was for their hero to hit a home run for them?

 

Can you imagine if Lugo ever made that sort of trip to the hospital?  I can.  It would go something like this: “Mr. Lugo, could you hit into three double plays for me in tonight’s game against the Rays?”  To which Lugo would respond, “Sure, Timmy, no problem.  Tell ya what - I’ll make it four, and I’ll even throw in a horrible-looking strikeout for ya.”   The kid may be sick, but he ain’t naïve.

 

If I were Lugo’s hitting coach, I'd tell him to close his eyes and swing the bat as hard as he could - just like he did when he knocked the stuffing out of that piñata on his 8th birthday.  I’d encourage him to pretend the baseball is a piñata and to imagine that the piñata is actually Alex Rodriguez’s head.  

 

I attended a game earlier this season and Lugo was at the plate with two on and one out.  The crowd had the ‘Wave’ going and Lugo grounded into a 6-4-3 ending-inning double play.  I found out later that it wasn’t the ‘Wave’ taking place when Lugo was at bat - it was actually 38,000 fans collectively throwing their hands up in the air, saying ‘We give up on this guy!’  That’s just the way it is around here. 

 

Let’s take a peek at the important numbers: In 261 plate appearances, Lugo has 22 RBI’s, 13 doubles and a slugging pct. of .330.  Defensively, he’s committed 16 errors in 292 chances (.945 fielding pct.).  Oh yeah, he’s also bounced into 3,457 double plays and has had 185 Fenway Franks tossed his way.

 

In 260 at-bats, Lowrie has 46 RBI’s, 25 doubles and a slugging pct. of .400.  Defensively, he’s committed only 2 errors in 238 chances (.992 fielding pct.) – and both those errors occurred while he was playing third.

 

In a close game, whom would you rather have at the plate?  Whom would you like to see in the field?  Lowrie gives the Sox a better chance of winning in the post-season than Lugo does.   

 

Lugo’s time in Boston reminds me of Sting’s song, “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free.”  We love Lugo (when he’s not in the starting line-up), but it’s time he moved on. 

 

In five years down the road, what will Sox Nation remember about Lugo, anyways?  His stellar defense?  His mighty bat?  We’ll forget all about his ugly strikeouts and countless ending-inning double plays within hours. 

 

Perhaps we could honor Lugo somehow.  Ted Williams hit so many home runs with the Sox (a club-record 521), a seat in row 37 in the right field bleachers in Fenway Park was painted RED to mark the spot where his longest blast landed.  Since Lugo has grounded into so many double plays with the Sox, maybe the organization could pay tribute by painting the infield dirt between 2^nd and 3^rd RED, ey?  

 

You know who should be honored?  Dice-K.  I think some of the local Japanese restaurants in the Boston area should name a dish after him.  How cool would it be to order “The Matsuzaka?”  I have no idea what the dish would consist of, but I’m sure it would take several woks to prepare it.  D’oh!

 

Look, Lugo’s an amicable fellow and someone I rooted for, but that doesn’t put a “W” in the win column, so he can take his 4-year, $36M contract (and the pen he signed it with) and stick it where the sun don’t shine.  It’s crunch time and the Sox need to put their best team on the field for the post-season.

 

My advice to Sox GM, Theo Epstein, is simply this: Pick up an expensive bottle of Merlot on the ride home tonight to go with your meal.  The main course: Lugo’s salary.   But, don’t fret – the black cherry and plum flavors will complement the bitter taste of poorly spent money beautifully.  Bon Appétit, Theo, and Bon Voyage to K-Rod and the Angels in the first round of the playoffs (uh-oh: did I just think out loud, again?).