College Football: Bad News for Fans During the Offseason

For college football fans, the next seven months are a time to reflect on the past season.

It is an opportunity to talk about their teams past accomplishments and shortcomings.

Memories keep us sustained and nourished as we patiently await the start of the new season, still so many months away.

Uhh, yeah...who are we kidding here? As any true fan knows, this is the dead zone.

It is a period akin to the one the Israelites spent in the desert, only those 40 years surely went by faster than any typical offseason.

Time without football crawls by agonizingly slow, as days become weeks and the weeks stretch into many long months of mind-numbing, we-need-our-football-fix desolation.

This deep soul crushing feeling of loss and the slow tear in the fabric of time between kickoffs was best described by the eminent entrepreneur Navin Johnson.

For the first four weeks, between the end of the season until national signing day, we missed the games and each day seemed like six months, so that lasted about 14 years.

But then signing day came and we reveled in our new recruits, so that was only one regular day.

Then, we had to wait a whole month for spring practice to start and each of those days slugged along like an O-lineman with a bum knee, feeling like three months each, so that was like another seven years.

But then the spring practices started and kept us going for a month, but it's not the same as a real game. Each of those days only felt like four days so that took about four months.

Now, the NFL draft is still a month away and we know we won't see any action again until fall practice starts.

So each of those long days actually feel more like six months again, so that is really another 14 years.

But the draft comes and, for three days, at least we have something to talk about (even if there is no action), so those are better days but still feel like 10 days each, so that is about one month.

Along comes the time between the draft and the start of fall football practice, the three longest months in the history of forever.

There is literally nothing going on.

The time now drags by, each day seeming to last a year, so that these three months are really more like 90 years.

But then two-a-days start in August and there is news, updates, reports and depth charts to scrutinize. The first three weeks fly by just like regular weeks and we are getting primed and pumped.

It's that last week of practice that slows time again as we wait for our teams to finally take the field, each day seeming to last a week. So with the first three weeks going by in regular time but the last week really lasting seven weeks, this period actually lasts 2 1/2 months.

So, with this documented and proven slowing of the space time continuum, the eight months between college football seasons actually takes 125 years, seven months and 15 days.

What does this all mean? Take heart football fans, you are not the only one desperately searching for a cryogenic chamber to freeze you in the offseason.

Time has slowed to a trickle for many others besides yourself.

Just remember, sometimes no news is good news. Let's face it, stories involving your team in the offseason aren't generally something that you want to see. The headlines usually feature keywords like kicked off, academically ineligible, coaching change and every fan's favorite, arrested.

Try golf or fishing. Maybe get to know the family again. Do something nice for your spouse.

After all, aren't they still steamed you forgot your anniversary back in October?

Now, I haven't completed my thesis on the subject of The Stoppage of Time Created by the Absence of College Football, but I am working on the dissertation as we speak.

I have even emailed Steven Hawking about my new discovery and I'm hoping to hear back from him soon to discuss my theory.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, so wish me luck.