Red Sox Nation V. Yankees Empire -- The Supreme Court Hears The Case

I had the honor and privilege privilege to meet a real pioneer, a hero to many, and one of the most judicious legal minds out there – Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, the first Latina named to the court. 

I found her to be an extremely wise and charming woman, personable and down-to-earth.  Knowing she’s from the Bronx, I told her of (READER ALERT: SHAMELESS PLUG COMING) my new book “Red Sox Fans are From Mars, Yankees Fans are From Uranus.” 

The lifelong Yankees fan responded with a smile, “We’re nicer fans.” 

What?!  Well, of all the ignorant, judgmental, biased statements . . . “Are you saying Red Sox fans are more aggressive and reactionary than Yankees fans?!!!”  That’s ludicrous!  I should have punched her right in the – er, uh, what I mean to say is, I think her viewpoint is slightly askew. 

“Objection, Your Honor!”  I would like to appeal your decision to a higher court . . . what’s that? . . . Oh, YOU’RE the higher court?  Crap.  Well, what about Justice Breyer?  He’s from Boston.  Maybe he’ll compose the majority opinion on the matter.  Where is he now?. . . What do you mean he’s recused himself because the bullpen blew another lead?!  Can he do that?”

All right, so I guess I must present my case alone.  And such is the story of how the case of Nation v. Empire was finally heard by the Supreme Court.  Allow me to commence: 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Court,

Are fans of the Red Sox and Yankees different?  Fans of Boston will respond “no,” whereas those backing the Bronx Bombers would say, “Hell, no!” thus exhibiting the only similarity betwixt the two. 

When speaking of major market teams, these two really are unparalleled.  They represent the crème-de-la-soul.  Yet their payrolls are roughly $44 million apart (depending upon which figures you use), more than the entire payroll of the Pittsburgh Pirates who reside in the No-Chance-in-Hell-of-Winning Division.  And the Yankees claim they spent more responsibly this year, “lowering” their payroll to a mere $206 million.

As Oakland GM Billy Beane said (and I’m paraphrasing here), “That’s like cutting calories by having a five-course meal, but passing on the dinner mints.”

The Yankees are the instigators.  Meanwhile, Boston merely has a responsibility to keep up with the Yankees, so they went out and signed John Lackey.  Of course, New York had to keep up with Boston’s two championships by buying Texiera, Sabathia, and Burnett last year.  Hm, let's just strike that from the record, shall we?

It is only with a comparison of the other 28 teams when you see that these two are similar.  But are the fans? 

Again, many would see them as cut from the same cloth, but anyone who has spent time with both can clearly differentiate.  Those who think they are the same are uninformed. 

Yes, there are obnoxious fans on both sides, as there are those of the fair-weather variety, but the same could be said of the White Sox, the Angels (those that show up), the Phillies (they’re in a league of their own), the Mets, et al. 

One might claim that Red Sox fans are, indeed, more rude, crude, and aggressive (I’m looking at you, Sotomayor.  Don’t act like you’re looking for your gavel.), but I contend that until two Yankees fans are killed by Red Sox fans, it’s a moot point.  Yes, in 2004 and again in 2007, the rivalry turned homicidal. 

Forget about 27 championships, how about mentioning the 2 murders?

Now, I don’t condone trying to even this score.  The worst I’d suggest is using my book to give them a paper cut and pouring lemon juice (sold separately) on it. . .  but only if they really ask for it. 

I think there lays the most glaring offense – a Yankees fan’s claim of 27 championships.  It’s like an introduction for them.  “Hi, my name’s Dave.”  “Hi, Dave, I’m a fan of the 27 Championship Yankees.”  The only thing that would be more egregious is if they had trumpeters announce their arrival and team’s accomplishment.

But how many championships have each of these individuals been around for?  The next time a Yankees fan says that to you, ask him or her how the 1932 team compared to the ’58 squad (the ’32 team was the last of their first run of crowns and featured Babe Ruth’s alleged “called shot”); or who the manager was in 1947 (Bucky Harris); or where the parade was held in 1961 (Mac Goldberg’s Upper East Side townhouse)? 

The beauty of any championship is the nostalgia, the memories created by a successful conclusion to your team’s season, the seeds of loyalty blooming ceremoniously for you to enjoy the fruits of your support.

Just showing up and claiming victory isn’t right.  Who else does that?  But I invite Yankees fans to claim anything they’ve experienced, even if they were too young to consciously remember it.  For instance, if one was born in 1970, then he gets to claim seven championships.  Only those seniors born prior to 1923 are allowed to talk about all 27.

Joe Girardi doesn’t help matters by constantly changing his uniform number to the next championship it would be should they win again.  I think he could cut the animosity shown to him a little if he changed his uniform number to $206,000,000.  At least then people would say, “Well, at least he understands the major reason he’s winning.”

Red Sox fans are whiners (note the payroll crack one paragraph earlier), which can become annoying, but we’re not obnoxious (er, compared to really obnoxious fans).  Yes, there was the potential for the Nation to usurp Yankees fans as the most hated in the league in 2008 as their 21st century trophy count ballooned to two-to-nothing over New York, but given the torment we’d been put through, we ask the court to disregard any transgressions we may have had. 

When the Sox won in October 2004, people asked the question, “What will become of Sox fans’ identity?” And there are many Sox fans today who don’t follow the team with the same desperate nature of previous campaigns; because it’s been done. The quest has been achieved.

Many believers (die-hards, not just “pink hats”) would not have minded if baseball just closed up shop and went home after 2004. Let the Sox be the first and last winners of the World Series. And so now, the goal isn’t to win once to shut Yankees fans up, but it’s to consistently keep Yankees fans from crowing.  Any poor qualities we may show are done as a reaction to those of the Empire.

Then from 2004-2008, the Yankees were floundering (floundering being a relative term) and the Red Sox were doing well.  Others outside the Nation and Empire began to confuse the two fan bases. Again, there are similarities, but still differences which must be acknowledged by outsiders.  There was the threat of Red Sox fans “becoming” Yankees fans, in the sense that they would exhibit the same entitled attitude.

But alas, it didn’t happen.  Boston fans always had it in the back of their minds that there was another shoe to fall.  It’s how we were bred.  And that shoe did fall with a Game Seven loss to the Tampa Bay Rays and a Yankees World Series victory last year. 

And so with a Yankees team on top and a Boston team positioned as the perennial challenger, we may seem similar, but one still comes up short in terms of the most-hated fan base.  And that fan base is drinking Sam Adams. 

In conclusion, Your Eminences, I believe I have proven without a shadow of a doubt (and with no help from Breyer) that it is, in fact, Red Sox fans who are nicer and less obnoxious, even if only by the width of the foul line, than Yankees fans. 

The defense breasts.