2010 College Football Pedictions: What you can be sure of this Fall

As the 2010 calendar has turned to August, and thousands of collegiate football players across the nation prepare to descend upon their respective campuses for the joy of two-a-days, we can now finally begin to chit-chat about who we think (or vehemently know) will be number one in come January.

After years of watching my annual preseason locks fail to finish atop the college football world after the BCS computers finish spewing their oil, and calculating intrinsic formulas that my simple human mind will never be able to comprehend, I have given up making such predictions.

In fact, I the only prediction I am willing to make about the perennial champion is that not a soul on this earth knows who it will be. No matter how adamantly somebody rattles of the fact that Alabama has 11 returners including Mark Ingram, or how Ohio State has the perfect balance between a strong ground game and stingy defense, or how Boise State excretes BCS excellence when it counts--they just don't really know.

I have been told that there is a certain German octopus named Paul who, if given boxes with team logos on it and a snack inside, could effectively predict our winner as he did every single elimination stage game at the FIFA World Cup this summer. However, it is my understanding (or excuse) that octopuses don't have souls, confirming my belief that no soul can knowingly predict this years' BCS outcome.

What I can predict (as sure as a keg party at the Delta Kappa Epsilon Chi house on a Thursday night in September) is that this football season will fulfill the needs and wants of college sports fans. From beers to cheerleaders and blowouts to upsets, the College Football will feed your Saturday appetite.

Beer and Tailgating

Oh those clever Notre Dame fans, with such a wonderful play on words.

Alas, one of the finer things in life can be an ice cold beer before a football game. For most, that beer would be preferable amidst the company of thousands of friends scattered across a concrete palace with no walls or ceilings for as far as the eye can see.

You can be sure that millions of college football fans across this nation will take part in the great American past time of tailgating.

In this sanctuary it is safe to eat gluttonous amounts of meat and deep fried goods while drinking plenty of suds. It is the only thing more American than a Toby Keith 4th of July party at McDonald's.

For college football fans, this ritual is heaven on earth, and as long as people inhabit this earth so must tailgating and beer drinking live on. For this reason, we can safely predict the 2010 college football season will have plenty of tailgates and plenty of beer.

That’s right, plenty of it inside the stadium, outside the stadium, and within an arms length of 92.7% of every arm chair in the United States.

Clichés and Color Commentary

For those who unfortunately cannot make it out to the stadium or to a local establishment too loud to hear the television, we must listen to the expert commentary of various local and national game announcers.

Let the hyperboles and clichés fly!

We'll hear the terms "magic" and “wizardry” and “chosen-one” so many times, we will begin to actually believe in our hearts that we’re watching a Quidditch match at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Somebody will be "Cinderella" and a comeback will be “for the ages” and something "you couldn't write this in any script."

Most announcers weave the tale of a game and the various back stories in poetic fashion. Some are even great at doing it. However, there will no doubt be many times we, as fans, will wince while we massage our foreheads after hearing "that will make every highlight reel in the nation!" after a second quarter field goal.

But fans do secretly love sports clichés, so announcers please keep them coming. Remember a perfectly timed cliché or hyperbole can turn a good play into an "unbelievable" one.

Upsets and Beat Downs

With 120 Division 1-A college football teams spread across this great nation, there will inevitably be a few uneven match-ups. You may see a spread or two of 50 or more points, and you may see a team cover that spread by winning by 51 or more points.

At that same token, on any given Saturday (clichés-like puns- really are fun), any team can beat another. Just take a look at BYU's shocker against Florida State or Clemson’s inexplicable defeat at the hands of the not-so-mighty two-win Maryland Terps in 2009.

It is the unknown that brings us that great excitement that tugs at your stomach so tightly you begin to wonder if you made a mistake washing down that suspicious looking burger with a Milwaukee's Best as you rushed from your tailgating party to the stadium for kickoff. Relax friend, although you may be battling some severe acid reflux, it is the thrilling scent of an upset that has your stomach left in knots.

Cheerleaders! (no matter what Judge Underhill says)

According to U.S. District Judge Stefan Underhill, cheerleading is not a sport. Not competitively, nor college football cheerily. Whether that last statement makes sense or not, under Title IX there will be no talk of cheerleading as a sport of any kind as the law currently stands.

Luckily, our favorite bundles of excitement and spirit won't let Judge Underhill's silly ruling stop them from bringing great joy to the masses during college football season. And of course, the guys with the Popeye sized forearms will be there too to hoist our favorite perseverant bundles of spunk high in the air for all to adore.

Take that Judge Under-estimator of cheerleader resolve!

Somebody will Break a Rule

As sure as steroid controversies cloud the purity of baseball, the hope that all college athletes put the ‘student’ before the ‘athlete’ is shot to not by all kinds of rule breaking. We're not talking about getting a write-up for "partying too loud on a Tuesday night" here, we're talking about "gimme back those national championship trophies and Heisman" uh-ohs.

From everything to taking gifts from agents, hooking friends up with textbooks, to athletes having luxurious, off-campus housing when any rational human being can see they should not be able to afford it--we have seen it in abundance over the last few years in college sports.

The latest example of actions such as this was by Reggie Bush, and now he has left his alma mater in some dire straits. USC has lost ten athletic scholarships a season for the next three years and will not be bowl eligible for the next two seasons. Tack on vacating wins in 2004-05 and perhaps a National Championship and you'll see the NCAA is really cracking down.
The only problem is, Reggie Bush is now a multi-million dollar Super Bowl Champion in the NFL, and former head coach Pete Carol has flown the coup to the Seattle Seahawks in 2010.

Until those actually involved in the incident are levied the harshest punishments rather than a team of players who have probably never talked to Reggie Bush once in their lives, then this kind of nonsense will regrettably continue.

Rivalries

With no Mega-120 Conference in sight for Division-1A football, your favorite rivalries will live on in 2010.

There is no guarantee that when Notre Dame and Michigan square off that it is going to be a good game. The game could suck, but if it is even the slightest bit entertaining the emotions are all amplified to make for some extremely entertaining viewing—one of the many reasons we love rivalries.
Let's be honest, although a good battle on the field can enhance rivalry, it is really all about the fan banter. Whoever wins the previous year just gives their fans the upper hand to rub it rival fans' faces for the next year. The torch will switch hands, and life will be good.

Even the casual fan can feel the energy that comes from watching a good rivalry game and seeing the fans and opposing bands go at it. The Red River Rivalry between Texas and Oklahoma, is must watch theater year after year. Same can be said for Florida vs. Florida State, Alabama vs. Auburn, and the list goes on-and-on-and-on.

I mean, who really watches Army or Navy religiously? I see very few hands up.

Now, who watches Army vs. Navy religiously? That's more like it.

BCS Controversy and Playoff Debates

It is only a matter of time before the infinite debate about whether or not the NCAA should implement a playoff system for Division 1-A football will resume its incessant fervor.

Remember Frankenstein, and Orwell's 1984? Well, our fears that technology would hold us captive have indeed come true, and we are left with haunting nightmares each and every January when we aren't really sure that the best team was crowned National Champions.

Just wait until a team like Middle Tennessee marches through the Sunbelt Conference with an undefeated record, only to get punished with a trip to the Lysol Toilet Bowl because the lack of a playoff system left them without the chance to give an Alabama a run for their money.

ESPN would host a three-hour "BCS Playoff Speculation Special” that even Lebron James would gawk at.

A Team will Win the BCS Bowl

As sure as I once though I was and the more I think of it, I could be wrong about all of these predictions.

Obama and the U.S. Government could decide that Prohibition should be reinstated, and the citizens of this great country may very well say, "You’re right government; beer is a harmful chemical that should be banned." Like there is no chicken without the egg, there is no tailgate without the beer...or something like that.

Clichés may disappear and all color commentators fired, effective immediately.

There may be no upsets or beat downs, just good clean football.

Cheerleaders might give into that ignoramus judge and decide to sit this season out.

Nobody might break no rules.

Rivalries may all get rained out due to new "Rain Bylaw Laws" created by the BCS machines.

And everyone may just lie down and take what the BCS gives them, and accepts it once and for all.

I might even have an epiphany and come to find that I am the only soul on earth who knows 100% who the National Champ will be come January 2011....

And wouldn't you know it: Texas Longhorns 2010 National Champions.