Undertaker's Vegetative State: A Sarcastic List of Suspects (Satire)

Buzz M.@@KingofbuzzersAnalyst IJune 19, 2010

Undertaker's Vegetative State: A Sarcastic List of Suspects (Satire)

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    Hello, IWC. I'm back.

    Two weeks ago, Kane found "his brother," the Undertaker, in a vegetative state. Since then, I've read dozens of interesting articles and slideshows suggesting lists of suspects behind this attack.

    Honestly speaking, I had one take on this storyline. I mean, the Phenom has been involved in many similar stories before (buried, killed, blown-up, crashed).

    Other than this, I really like how things went, and I can't wait to find out who the guilty individual could be.

    While reading the articles and comments, I got inspired by certain ideas and decided to prepare my own "unique" list.

    Rather than proposing actual thoughts and choices that were already discussed in previous articles, I thought I could suggest a unique list of suspects.

    This list is a special one, as it contains some sarcastic thoughts rather than realistic ones.

    So today, I give my own distinct suspects and conspiracies surrounding this mysterious issue.

    I know many people here are not fans of sarcasm and comic articles, but still, I think it's not a bad idea to have some special articles at certain moments.

    After all, WWE is not only about wrestling. We should also focus on the "E" letter.

    I apologize beforehand to anyone who doesn't like sarcasm, and to those who saw this as a waste of time.

    All said and done, let the show begin.

Tajiri

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Carlito

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Team Lay-Cool

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    This team seems to be taking out everybody standing in their way. Even the Undertaker.

    Michelle McCool thought that she had to end her issues with the Phenom so she can focus more on her team.

    Crime Scene:

    McCool just confronted Taker and told him the bitter truth. The poor man couldn't stand on his feet after hearing this.

    To make sure he stays down, Layla joined McCool. They made this silly "simply flawless" pose before pounding his head with their co-titles.

    I know this sounds a bit cheesy and that there are much better and hotter scenarios. But remember, we can't cross the PG lines.

Drew McIntyre

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    With support of Vince McMahon, the "Chosen One" can have anything done for him at WWE.

    Crime Scene:

    McIntyre encountered the Undertaker at the parking lot and gave him a letter signed by VKM.

    It says, "As the chairman of WWE, I hereby order you to enter in a vegetative state."

    With someone who can use signed letters to suspend wrestlers, pin the GM, cancel losses and regain titles, it's easy for him to "vegetate" a wrestler. Isn't it?

The Boogeyman

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    My next suspect is the bizarre, worm-eating Boogeyman.

    Crime Scene:

    Undertaker was lying on his bed after a hard fought battle against Rey Mysterio.

    Just then, red lights flashed, and the freaking monster rose from under the bed, and made a quick worm spitting move.

    To the Phenom's bad luck, it seems that those worms died thousands of years ago.

Rikishi

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    My next suspect is the member of the Samoan Anoa'i wrestling family, Rikishi.

    It's not difficult to think about how Rikishi might take out the "dead man."

    Crime Scene:

    Undertaker was sitting in his dark room leaning on the wall.

    A surprising ray of light dropped from the ceiling, and Taker saw something getting closer to him, but he couldn't determine that object.

    As it got closer, it simply turned out to be a "butt." Yes, that's Rikishi ready to perform his brand, "Stink-face."

    The Samoan fighter spent quite a time sitting on the poor man's face. By the time he finished, the phenom was nothing but a vegetative "dead man."

    I wonder what Rikishi had for dinner before coming!

Hornswoggle

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    And there you go. The best WWE superstar to ever step in the ring.

    What can I say about Hornswoggle?

    He has it all: ring skills, mic skills, a wide variety of move-sets, and many other factors that could simply make him the face of WWE.

    This superstar has done it all.

    He's the best cruiser-weight champion in WWE. Even officials decided to retire this title because they couldn't find someone more talented than him to hold it. They thought that making him lose would be a disgrace to his shining career.

    He had the greatest and longest feud ever against Chavo Guerrero, and this feud is still running. It really helped boost Chavo to the stars.

    He joined DX and made it the best DX stable ever—even better than Chyna and X-Pac days.

    Today he continues pushing new talents like Christian and Dolph Ziggler, while still helping others like Chavo and Khali.

    I wouldn't even be surprised if he turned out to be the mastermind behind the "NXT invasion."

    With all this said, this man still lacks one major thing.

    A deserved WWE title reign. And what better way to snatch a title shot then taking out the Phenom?

    Crime Scene:

    It doesn't matter how the attack was executed, especially with a wrestler who has various talents and skills like Horny. You can expect anything from him.

    My imagination tells me that he performed an "Earth Shattering" tadpole splash on the poor Undertaker.

    If Hornswoggle is the one behind this attack, Kane will be in deep trouble.

The Easiest Choice!!!

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    Why do we need suspects?

    It's simple, Undertaker is a vegetarian.

    However, it seems that he ate an excess amount of vegetables in his last meal, which made him turn into one himself.

Honorable Mentions

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The End

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