MLB Postseason: Dullards in the Broadcast Booth

Young Enthusiastic Blogger (YEB) was taking a business trip.

Well, it might have been a pleasure trip, but airport security always seems to treat business people just a little bit better.

The airport was busy but quiet—most people aren’t very talkative when traveling. With four hours to kill before a connecting flight, YEB found himself a seat at one of those overpriced airport restaurants.

You know—the ones that serve leftover cafeteria food from local elementary schools and charge five-star prices.

About an hour into his novel YEB was interrupted by a man asking if he could sit down.  Engrossed in the book, YEB had failed to notice the restaurant fill up beyond capacity.

YEB invited the man to sit and moments later realized it was Somewhat Important broadcaster Dude (SID)—a reasonably well-known play-by-play TV broadcaster who'd been covering the baseball playoffs.

YEB:  Hey, aren’t you one of the guys covering the baseball playoffs this year?
 
SID:  Yeah, I’m trying to catch a flight back to Boston but I’ve been delayed almost four hours thanks to some weather. It’s nice to be recognized—are you a big baseball fan?

YEB:  You could say that.
 
SID:  What have you thought of the broadcasts so far? We’re always trying to improve the viewer experience. Did you like the Queen Latifah interview?

YEB:  You’re joking right? Those celebrity interviews have to be the dumbest things you guys do.
 
The broadcaster sat dumbfounded for a moment.
 
SID: Don’t you like celebrities? We’ve always been told “more celebrities.”
 
YEB: Personally I’m not into the whole celebrity-worship thing. Maybe the rest of the country has that affliction—you media types more than anyone—but I'm pretty sure most people who tune in to watch a baseball game are probably interested in baseball.
 
SID: And they get baseball.
 
YEB: Unfortunately we also get thirty minutes of close-ups of Clint Hurdle chewing and spitting. I don’t need to see that. I get nightmares. Matter of fact, why is it that you guys can give us so many great shots of the crowd and the dugout yet you fail miserably at showing whether a long fly ball was fair or foul of the Pesky Pole? Did you not know balls would be hit there?
 
SID took a bite of his sandwich. He did his best to look nonchalant—but he was also looking around the restaurant for a different seat.
 
SID: It’s always so nice to talk to viewers. Now I know why I don’t do it more often.  Okay brain-boy, since I want to finish this food and there’s nowhere else for me to sit, I’d be happy to entertain any more constructive criticisms you might have.
 
SID crossed his arms and stared.  YEB thought for a moment. How often does one get an opportunity like this?
 
YEB: Okay then. Do you even know about baseball? Every couple of innings I hear you guys get something very simple like baseball history completely wrong...

And it gets old when every time a team gets a player on first with less than two outs there are constant cries of “Bunt! Bunt!” from the broadcast booth. Do you understand bunting rarely increases a team’s chance to score? And guys like Todd Helton don’t bunt because they’re good hitters. Quit with the bunt fetish and start doing your homework.
 
SID:  You can’t be serious. Of course bunting works—why else would managers do it?
 
YEB:  It makes them feel like they’re actually doing something. And heck, I could live with your constant demands that teams give away outs if you weren’t so enamored with RBIs. I know this information is only 30 years old so it might be new to you, but a player’s RBI totals are dependent more on the people around him than on his own ability.
 
SID:  Good God, you’re one of those “stats” guys aren’t you? I bet you have a Bill James book on you somewhere right now.
 
YEB: Uh...maybe.
 
SID:  I’m sure the next thing you’re going to tell me is I should start giving a player’s OPS instead of his batting average.
 
YEB:  That was on my list. OPS is the best measure of a player’s offensive ability that can be explained without a quadratic equation. It’s easy to understand, and it works. You could use the time wasted on Queen Latifah's cleavage to explain OPS to your viewers instead.
 
SID:  People like you are out to destroy baseball. You want the world to drop the time-tested stats and analysis we all grew up with and replace them with whatever new magical catch-all stat is popular with the nerds this week. People like you disgust me. Why can’t you just enjoy baseball like the rest of us instead of trying to dissect the game like it was a frog in a science class?
 
Now YEB was the one looking for another seat.
 
YEB:  Well, I need to go catch my flight. Good talking to you.
 
SID:  Yeah, well, same to you.
 
YEB:  One more constructive criticism—could you please learn how to pronounce “Gutierrez”?
 
With that YEB got up from the table and left. He found an empty seat on a bench in the airport. It was facing a runway and provided a wonderful view. YEB took out a copy of Bill James’ Historical Baseball Abstract and clutched it to his chest. He began rocking back and forth, repeating the words to himself like a chant:

“He’s not evil, just ignorant. He's not evil he's just ignorant.”