Tinder Profiles for Top 2016 NBA Free Agents
It's like the 2012-old adage says: There isn't enough Tinder in NBA free agency.
Though we could deliver you another free-agent rankings or think piece on why Kevin Durant should sign with the Philadelphia 76ers, we decided that creating Tinder profiles for the top 10 available players was a better use of our time.
These obviously authentic (they're not authentic) dossiers are not billboards of desperation. They aren't even players pitching themselves. This summer, with the cap exploding, it's teams that do the groveling. Each of these Tinder pages seeks to explain why—in the players' own, not-at-all made-up words.
Nicolas Batum, Charlotte Hornets
Nicolas Batum isn't supposed to be a flight risk. He and the Charlotte Hornets are expected to agree on a new deal almost immediately. But now the Golden State Warriors apparently view him as their Plan B to Kevin Durant, according to Bay Area News Group's Marcus Thompson.
Can your team offer Batum what he can't get with either Charlotte or Golden State?
Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder
For those keeping score at home, Durant is probably going to meet with every big-market team in existence once free agency begins, according to Broussard—except the Washington Wizards.
For those interested in common sense, it's unlikely Durant truly considers leaving the Oklahoma City Thunder for any team outside of Oakland and San Antonio.
Let the (mostly futile) courting war begin!
Bradley Beal, Washington Wizards
“I feel like I’m a max player and that’s what I’m looking for," Bradley Beal said of his restricted free agency, per the Washington Post's Jorge Castillo. "If Washington can’t meet that requirement then I may be thinking elsewhere. I’m pretty sure that they probably won’t [let me go]."
At least other teams can still try, right?
On a side note: John Wall had trouble coming to terms with Reggie Jackson's five-year, $80 million deal last summer. How will he react to Beal making more than him next season?
Mike Conley, Memphis Grizzlies
Ahem:
| 2011-12 | 104.6 (5) | 93.4 (29) |
| 2012-13 | 104.2 (10) | 96.0 (30) |
| 2013-14 | 105.0 (13) | 100.5 (26) |
| 2014-15 | 105.2 (10) | 100.3 (26) |
| 2015-16 | 105.1 (10) | 100.6 (28) |
So yeah, the Memphis Grizzlies are screwed if Mike Conley leaves. On the bright side, if he does sign elsewhere, we have a surprise contender for "Team Most Likely to Overpay Rajon Rondo" honors.
DeMar DeRozan, Toronto Raptors
Sources told ESPN.com's Tim MacMahon that DeMar DeRozan doesn't plan on meeting with teams other than the Toronto Raptors to start free agency. This is good news for the Raptors, who probably shouldn't rock the boat too much after making an Eastern Conference Finals appearance.
It's also good news for Los Angeles Lakers fans who don't trust their team to not grossly overpay for players who aren't megastars.
Andre Drummond, Detroit Pistons
Andre Drummond's loyalty to the Detroit Pistons is the second-worst-kept secret in the NBA, right behind the New York Knicks' infatuation with big names who haven't been meeting expectations for a half-decade.
As a restricted free agent, chances are Drummond sticks with Detroit. But, hey, you never know. Maybe Dwight Howard offers to reunite with Ryan Anderson and Pistons coach-president Stan Van Gundy at the veteran's minimum.
(Writer's note: "Barney" is purple-dinosaur shorthand for "Harrison Barnes.")
Al Horford, Atlanta Hawks
Had you asked me one month ago if Al Horford would be with the Atlanta Hawks next season, my answer would have been "definitely maybe."
Now, after Atlanta flirted with trading for Nerlens Noel, per The Vertical's Shams Charania, the official answer is "I have no friggin' idea."
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
"I love it here in Cleveland. I have no intentions of leaving," LeBron James told ESPN.com's Dave McMenamin of his future with the Cleveland Cavaliers. "There are some technicalities to take care of I'll leave up to my agent. That's right from the horse's mouth."
Man, oh man, is 2014 Joel Embiid going to be so upset:
Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat
It's not about if Dwyane Wade will re-sign with the Miami Heat. It's about how long his next contract will last.
"One Heat person expects a deal ultimately will be reached paying him at least $15 million, perhaps much closer to, or at, $20 million," wrote the Miami Herald's Barry Jackson. "The Heat’s preference is for one year, to give it 2017 flexibility."
There will inevitably be reports to the contrary. In fact, there already are. Sources told ESPN.com's Brian Windhorst Wade is being portrayed as a flight risk around the league after failing to find "common ground" in contract talks with the Heat.
Don't worry, this lovers' quarrel is temporary. Wade isn't leaving Miami—unless the banana boat crew impossibly forges a superteam in Cleveland.
Hassan Whiteside, Miami Heat
We have gone from "Hassan Whiteside doesn't belong in the NBA" to "How many teams will offer him a max contract in free agency?"
Next season, we will officially broach the "Is Whiteside better than Drummond?" subject too many of us have been ignoring.
What a time to be alive.
Stats courtesy of Basketball-Reference.com and NBA.com, unless otherwise cited. Salary information via Basketball Insiders.
Dan Favale covers the NBA for Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter, @danfavale.
