Report: 'Miracle' That Babe Ruth Able to Live Strictly on Hot Dogs, Beer

Taylor SmithAnalyst IAugust 30, 2009

According to reports, the popular adage that claimed "Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer" wasn't just an adage.

Baltimore-area nutritionist Herbert von Vitamin last week was granted the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study the remains of arguably the greatest slugger in the history of Major League Baseball.

"The results of my tests were simply stunning," said von Vitamin, while doing his daily set of 5,420 push-ups. "The fact that this man was able to live 53 years on nothing but hot dogs and beer is nothing short of a medical miracle."

"He could have likely filled several hundred silos with the plaque in those arteries," he added.

Not only did Ruth slug 714 home runs while being nearly obese, he was also able to do so under the influence of record amounts of alcohol.

"The influence of the beer-only liquid diet may be even more mind-boggling," said von Vitamin. "Imagine what kind of numbers he would've been able to put up had he not been blacked-out drunk for 95 percent of his at-bats."

Two topics von Vitamin refused to discuss involved Ruth's fondness for cigar smoking and "women of the night."

"Don't even get me started on the lung problems and STD's this guy must've had," he said. "Thinking about that may cause me to lose my mind and quit my job."

Semi-disgraced ex-Major League Baseball slugger Sammy Sosa had little to say on the matter.

"No puedo hablar ingles," said Sosa, while clearly reading an English language copy of "Ulysses."

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig had this to say about whether or not Ruth's legacy will be tainted by these discoveries.

"No, I don't think he'll be tainted," said Selig, while counting dollar bills. "He's still probably healthier than three-fourths of the guys that have played since I've been in charge."

Update: It has just been confirmed that Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder has been on the so-called "Ruth Diet" since he has been in the Majors.


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