Elias Sports Bureau Amends Jon Lester’s No-hitter With Asterisk

Visit us at Chatterbalks.com!

BOSTON - According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Boston Red Sox SP Jon Lester’s no-hitter on Monday night was amended with an asterisk. The Red Sox hurler successfully pitched nine full innings for the win without giving up a hit, which under normal circumstances is defined as a no-hitter. However, the gem occurred against the famously second-rate Kansas City Royals.

The Elias Sports Bureau is the primary statistical service for most major media sources. Elias compares Lester’s no-hitter with the likes of Randy Johnson’s June 26, 2005, outing against the Mets, where he gave up four earned runs in 6 2/3 innings.

“Well, we never really touched Bonds’ record with the asterisk because there is no clear proof that he did cheat. However, it is very certain that the Royals are, at best, a mediocre team. Therefore, a no-hitter pitched against the Royals is simply a ‘pretty good game,’ ” reported Elias statistical observer Don Rosencrans. “The asterisk is powerful - we like to think that it is the monolith of statistical symbols.”

In the sports world, the asterisk is the equivalent of a scarlet letter. Many players and teams who have been branded with the glyph have never been seen again. Elias, responsible for the daily stats that will appear in tomorrow’s paper, could not bear the responsibility of publishing an inferior no-hitter. Shortly after the statistical change, ESPN dropped the news story to ‘Pittsburgh-Pirates-level,’ a segment reserved for the bottom of SportsCenter.

After hearing the news, Lester was remorseful about what he did to the Royals.

“At one point, I sorta felt bad for the Royals,” the pitcher explained. “Billy Butler came up to the plate, and he was literally tearing up after I threw my famous 93 mph heater. I wanted to let them get a hit off me, but it was tough. In the end, I didn’t really deserve the no-hitter.”

So far this season, the Royals are the lowest-scoring team in the A.L. Almost every pitcher facing the Royals this year, according to Elias, has nearly thrown a ‘no-no.’