Biggest Meltdowns from CFB Coaches

The greatest coaching meltdowns in sports history are typically reserved for minor league baseball managers who must pierce the humid monotony of an interminable baseball season, but these eight irked college football coaches make for equally entertaining viewing. 

College coaches always want to protect their players, but all too often they seek to defend those young men on the roster as if they were prepubescent teenagers, not elite athletes above the age of majority recruited to the school specifically for the purpose of playing a sport. 

An undeniable tension exists in college football whereby youngsters play a game for zero money. But many of those football programs make millions upon millions of dollars of profit, which justifiably makes those programs worthy of media coverage and subject to journalistic criticism.

Most of these coaches, including Mike Gundy and Urban Meyer, were simply defending their players. One coach ran into trouble with an overwrought metaphor, while another extolled the rigors of D-I football, and the most infamous of all saw a legend slug a player and knock his own career to the canvas for good.

8. Urban Meyer, Florida

Urban Meyer, now head coach at Ohio State, has elevated himself to the status of one of the best college football coaches in history with three national titles to his credit. However, everything along the way comes as a learning process.  

While the coach at Florida in 2010, Meyer felt the need to tell the Orlando Sentinel's Jeremy Fowler that he is a "bad guy" and would not be welcomed back at any Florida practice because of a quote in one of his stories.

Of course—of course!—the incident related in some way to Heisman Trophy winner and former Gator Tim Tebow.

Fowler had used a quote from Florida wide receiver Deonte Thompson, who said that teammate John Brantley was "a real quarterback" in comparison to Tebow, who had declared for the upcoming NFL draft that spring.

Meyer subsequently apologized to Fowler less than a week later, holding a one-on-one conversation on the practice field for about 20 minutes. "Urban did apologize, and I feel like as a work-related conversation it was constructive," Fowler said.

7. Nick Saban, Alabama

Revered Alabama coach Nick Saban hates misinformation, especially as it relates to reports of player injuries. In order to combat that, he planned to start posting false reports on message boards simply to mess with journalists, even though by his own admission, "I don't know how to do that."  

With the obsessive following around Saban and Bama, the thirst for information can create a cacophony of news that may lack the veracity reserved for, say, The Associated Press. 

Nevertheless, Saban's lack of journalism school credentials hurt him here, as he implored journalists to be more disciplined in their reporting by threatening to post fake news on message boards. (Hey, remember message boards?)

Saban also appeared to encourage the assembled press to actively print misinformation as well, but he was just deploying some of the old Saban sarcasm. As part of a prolonged press conference, Saban unveiled his diabolical smokescreen for the media: 

"

I'm gonna post something that's just total B.S. So you all can go crazy out there on misinformation and bad information, and have no professionalism to try to find out if it did or didn't happen. Just create some you-know-what. Anything that you can. Just create whatever. No documentation, no verification, no professionalism to find out if it really happened.

"

Keep an eye out for those fake message board posts. Saban probably uses a screen name along the lines of "NickH8sAuburn"—at least for posts made after the 2013 Iron Bowl.

6. Les Miles, LSU

Understandably, people in sports get annoyed when they have to call a press conference to address rumors reported by ESPN. 

LSU coach Les Miles once showed visible irritation when he proclaimed during a press conference that rumors of him accepting the Michigan job were untrue: "I'm the head coach at LSU. I will be the head coach at LSU. ... There will be no questions for me. I represent me in this issue. Please ask me after. I'm busy. Thank you very much. Have a great day." He then turned and walked out of the room.

However, Miles does not always carry himself with such a gruff manner. 

Responding to a newspaper column that had called LSU wide receiver Russell Shepard a "flop," Miles took a unique angle in commending his team for a 2012 win over Ole Miss, saying: "There is no such thing as a flop that takes the field for our football team. ... Spectacular group of men. You go find them, you throw your arms around them, you give them a big kiss on the mouth—if you're a girl."

Miles barely seems to have a clue as to what he's talking about from sentence to sentence, but the bottom line is: He's proud of his players. Perhaps he simply should have said that instead.

5. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

University of Colorado coach Dan Hawkins once took issue with a mother's complaint, made by way of an anonymous letter, that players only get two weeks off during summer. His response? To scream at the top of his lungs: "It's Division I football! It's the Big 12!" 

Well, in that case, those unpaid student athletes should be putting in some overtime, maybe working nights and weekends. What on Earth could be more important than the welfare of the Buffaloes football team?

If you want time off from a commitment to play college sports, then Hawkins has some advice: "Go play intramurals, brother." Evidently, Hawkins' speech writer is Hulk Hogan.

After making his name at Boise State and moving to Colorado, Hawkins took a job coaching the CFL's Montreal Alouettes. He lasted only one season there, perhaps due to Canadian labor laws, which grant employees too much vacation time per annum. 

And as the folks at the Best Damn Sports Show Period pointed out, Hawkins' irrational yelling did indeed sound like grating comedian Sam Kinison.

4. John L. Smith, Arkansas

Arkansas head coach John L. Smith seems to have an issue with glum appearances. Following his team's 52-0 loss to Alabama, the assembled members of the press had apparently decided that a collective hangdog look would suit the mood of the room for Smith's Monday press conference. 

Instead, Smith angrily ordered the other people in the room to smile. Smile!! OK?! 

While Smith cracked a smile of his own between barked exhortations toward grinning, he seemed to be releasing some genuine steam built up during the course of losing by more than seven touchdowns to the Crimson Tide. 

Once some of the nervous attendees did in fact smile, Smith moved on promptly to the upcoming matchup against Rutgers, seeming ready to handle both portions of the question-and-answer session. 

Smith had also shown a hot temper previously. Back in 2005 while at Michigan State, Smith threw his coaching staff under the bus following a mistake late in the half against Ohio State, venting: "The kids are playing their tail off, and the coaches are screwing it up!"

3. David Bennett, Coastal Carolina

David Bennett was the first coach for the football program at Coastal Carolina University. And when Bennett wants to spin out a sustained metaphor about cats and dogs, it makes about as much sense as the school's nickname being the Chanticleers. (It's a rooster.)

What is clear is that Bennett wants more dogs and fewer cats. You see, his screen door is broken, either literally or figuratively. Either way, he's both a dog lover and a skilled storyteller.

Cats are preening and sometimes wear shoes, according to Bennett, whereas dogs are better, judging by the tone of Bennett's voice and his delivery. Of course, it's not clear how dogs can get out of the broken screen door he described, but there is certainly no need for a cat in the house.

Perhaps Bennett is allergic to feline dander. Either way, the head-scratching diatribe got an auto-tuned remix and even made its way to comedian Daniel Tosh's show Tosh.0, as Bennett earned the football program some unintentional exposure among millennials.

2. Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State

Back in 2007, Oklahoma State football coach Mike Gundy issued a famous challenge to a reporter that seemed more like a Will Ferrell skit on Saturday Night Live: "Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40!" He even tried to trademark that phrase.

The reporter in question was Jenni Carlson from The Oklahoman, and the story is more complicated than merely a coach irked about a newspaper article. 

Regarding a front-page item in the sports section titled "QB Change All About Attitude," Gundy spewed bile at those gathered for a press conference: "This was brought to me by a mother, of children. ... Three-fourths of it is inaccurate...and that article had to have been written by a person who doesn't have a child."

Moreover, the reporter had probably never even seen an upset child in their entire life, and that editor is garbage! At least according to Gundy.

"It makes me want to puke," Gundy spat as he walked out of the room. All the animosity related to a quarterback named Bobby Reid, whom Gundy himself had benched unceremoniously.

As noted by ESPN The Magazine's Tom Friend in a 2008 article (h/t For The Win's Nina Mandell), Reid did not view Gundy's rant as a coach defending his player. Instead, he viewed it as a coach yelling completely disingenuous words. "Honestly, the way I took it, I felt like it was all a front. That it was all a big show. It didn't feel genuine," Reid said.

Reid even went so far as to claim that Gundy's three-minute rant "basically ended my life."

1. Woody Hayes, Ohio State

Legendary coach Woody Hayes had a reputation for a pugilistic nature, which was befitting of a salty, hard-nosed football coach. While at the helm of Ohio State, he had variously berated and charged after journalists, cameramen and referees, but nothing had occurred to warrant any significant discipline.

However, a 65-year-old Hayes besmirched his own legacy after he punched Clemson defender Charlie Bauman in the neck following a Tigers interception in the 1978 Gator Bowl. Hayes seemed to have simply lost his mind following his team's damning turnover, and the inexplicable act led to his firing as head coach.

As noted by ESPN.com's Brian Bennett, Clemson linebacker Bubba Brown was running behind Bauman after the interception, and he heard Hayes yell at Bauman: "You SOB, I just lost my job!" After swinging at the intercepting player, Brown said of Hayes: "You could see the disgust and anger coming off his face. Charlie said, 'What did you do that for?'"

Hayes was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame as a coach in 1983, and he passed away in 1987.