Tim Wiese: From Troubled Bundesliga Star to WWE Dreamer
Abandoning a stable career as a top-flight goalkeeper for a fleeting chance to make it in World Wrestling Entertainment, 32-year-old German Tim Wiese's professional life continues to be erratic, strange and unconventional.
Wiese's first act in the WWE was to stare down Gold and Stardust, a confronting, freaky-looking and cake faced duo.
Using Wiese as a distraction, The Usos—a hyperactive Samoan American tag team—ambushed Gold and Stardust from behind.
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As an act of gratitude, The Usos welcomed Wiese into the ring.
Donning a grey tank top and light blue jeans, Wiese approached the corner turnbuckle, gingerly stood on the first rope (Tim, second rope next time) and flexed his bulging biceps at the Festhalle Frankfurt audience.
Being an extrovert is normal to Wiese, so naturally he is attracted to the WWE's bright lights.
Wiese morphed into a "Porsche-driving, toned [and] solarium-tanned" goalkeeper at Kaiserslautern, per David Gohla at Kicker (h/t Jonathan Wilson's book The Outsider: A History of the Goalkeeper).
In 2004, then Germany U21 manager Uli Stielike pleaded with then German national team manager Rudi Voller not to use Wiese, a hot-shot German youth international, as a squad filler for the senior team.
"We'd be losing a huge amount of quality if we don't have Wiese," Stielike said, per FIFA's official website. "I don't have an alternative [to Wiese]."
In 2005, Werder Bremen gambled on Wiese's incredible talent as he was sidelined with a cruciate knee injury.
At Werder, Wiese established himself as an acrobatic, exhilarating and reckless shot-stopper.
He played with an edge, as if the song "Metalingus" by Alter Bridge was embedded in his mind on reloop.
Wiese's me-first demeanour garnered enemies among the German goalkeeping fraternity, per Ronald Reng's book A Life too Short: The Tragedy of Robert Enke:
"[Wiese] was a tabloid goalkeeper.
He dived even for shots half a yard away from him; shots he could have parried standing up.
But then the fans wouldn't have marvelled at his exploits.
If a solitary striker ran at Wiese, he slid like a kung fu fighter with his leg stretched out at his attacker.
And the commentators cried with great excitement: 'Wiese takes the most amazing risks!'
The other keepers seethed with fury in front of the television: 'Didn't the media understand that it was simply a mistake to throw yourself so frantically at a striker?'
"
Instead of turning into a world-class goalkeeper, Wiese's mouth became as prominent as his attention-seeking saves.
Upon being suspended, he brashly slammed the German Football Association.
"That is incomprehensible," Wiese said, per Bild (h/t ESPN FC). "They [German FA] just do whatever they want. I am lost for words."
Wiese also claimed without hesitation that Jens Lehmann had mental problems.
"The man [Lehmann] belongs on the couch," Wiese said, per The Telegraph. "He should be committed, preferably locked up."
When the cameras aren't rolling, etiquette is imperative in the WWE culture.
Here is a cautionary tale for Wiese of the hazing Muhammad Hassan faced after losing the trust of his fellow pros, as told by former WWE wrestler Hardcore Holly, per his autobiography:
"When Muhammad Hassan came in [to the WWE], he was making huge money.
He hadn't been in the company for six months, he had such an easy gimmick to get over, and he was working with [Hulk] Hogan, so he [Hassan] figured he'd keep making that money forever.
He was staying in $300-a-night hotels, getting the most expensive rental cars ... he thought he was untouchable.
He got so much heat in the locker room because he had an ego like you wouldn't believe.
Nobody went to bat for him when his character got cut, and he ended up homeless.
"
Diplomacy is not a word in Wiese's vocabulary, but it should be his go-to word if he wants to successfully navigate the politicking of the WWE.
In Wiese's final season at Werder, he was ranked ninth out of 18 in the Kicker goalkeeper rankings.
Average and mediocre, two adjectives which in the past described him on a bad day (he had so much promise).
He was the German goalkeeper's equivalent of Drew McIntyre: propped up as a big talent, but a series of unfortunate events led to his career petering out.
Though, Wiese was still serviceable and Hoffenheim offered him a lifeline.
He was burdened with expectations he could not live up to and did not want to meet.
"Every time we [Hoffenheim] lost, I was being analysed and criticised, not the team. It was all about me," Wiese said, per Bild (h/t Eurosport). "It was like being in a horror movie. The pressure was inhuman. I could not play freely."
To alleviate the stress, Wiese sabotaged his own footballing career by diminishing his agility for brute strength.
"I had to deal with all the negativity [somehow]," Wiese said, per Bild (h/t the Guardian). "[Plus] lifting weights is fun."
Hoffenheim and Wiese "mutually agreed" to terminate their contractual relationship in January.
To stay in the WWE, Wiese needs to develop into an athlete, actor, entertainer, self-promoter and wrestler all-in-one.
The WWE is one of the most physically demanding and psychologically sapping environments in show business.
"The daily grind [and] constantly battling injuries [is] something we never let fans see," Batista said, per his documentary. "It was all wearing on me."
Throughout Batista's life, he constantly fought against the odds and made his WWE debut as a 33-year-old, thus should be an inspiration to Wiese. But not every late-bloomer transitions from a "muscleheaded goofball" to a "six-time World Heavyweight Champion" like Batista, per WWE's official website.
Being forced into a gimmick, a la Stardust, one of the wrestlers Wiese distracted, is par for the course.
Stardust is Cody Rhodes: wrestling royalty, model looks, in peak physical shape, able to recall his lines and deliver on cue with conviction.
Yet, Rhodes is hidden behind hideously yellow make-up and plays a bizarre and eccentric character.
What Wiese will discover is when the WWE instructs you to do something—no matter how laborious the assignment is—you do it in order to live another day.
If Wiese truly believes being in the WWE will be easier than being a professional goalkeeper, then someone needs to tell him: "USO Crazy!"
