Albert Pujols Suspended for Use of the Gym (Satire)

Albert Pujols has been suspended from Major League Baseball after testing positive for using the gym, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced yesterday.

"We have a problem in baseball," said Hall of Fame second baseman Ryne Sandberg upon hearing the news. "Using [the gym] is not respecting the game."

Although it is impossible to tell without testing whether a given player is using the gym, it is often clear in retrospect. Gym users tend to be bulkier, with larger muscles and less body fat. The added strength from illicit gym use contributes to both more powerful hitting and lengthened stamina.

Pujols, accordingly, currently leads the league in home runs, RBI, runs, slugging percentage, and OPS. Detractors point to the gym as the driving force behind this dominance.

While the revelation about Pujols raises suspicions about other players, some were quick to deny involvement.

"I have never used [the gym]. Period," said Rafael Palmeiro, longtime first baseman for the Rangers and Orioles, who has long been under suspicion. "I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never."

Sammy Sosa, who went toe-to-toe with Mark McGwire in their famous race to break the home run record, spoke up as well: "I have never used [the gym]...I have not broken the laws of the United States or the laws of the Dominican Republic. I have been tested as recently as 2004, and I am clean."

Others, like Houston Astros first baseman Lance Berkman, think the entire issue is overblown.

"The [gym] issue is not quite as big an issue as some people think," said Berkman. "This is a hot-button issue now. People are making a mountain out of a molehill."

Manny Ramirez, fresh off his own 50-game suspension, added that if Pujols didn't kill or rape anybody, the league ought to let it slide.

Speculation can only now begin on what gym use means for Pujols' records, and whether it will keep him out of Cooperstown. Antagonists argue that gym use, while not specifically banned by the league before 2006, creates an unlevel playing field.

Clearly, if some players use the gym and others do not, the advantage goes to those who did.

Jose Canseco, once known as baseball's Godfather of the Gym but now long-retired from the game, has been open about the role that the gym played in his career.

"Have I used [the gym]? You bet I did. Did [the gym] make me a better baseball player? Of course it did."

And despite the consternation around gym use, Canseco doesn't have any shame.

"If I had it all to do over again, would I live a [gym]-enriched life? Yes, I would."