Florida Marlins' Midseason Report Card: The Way You Make Me Feel

We're approaching the MLB All-Star break and that can only mean one thing: an endless supply of midseason report cards detailing each team's strengths and weaknesses and each player's unique ability to crap the bed at just the right moment (we're looking at you, A-Rod).

Of course, that doesn't mean I won't participate. I'll just do it a little differently, to keep you mildly entertained.

While everyone else will, undoubtedly, be using an alphabetical grading system, I'll be describing the strengths and weaknesses of your 2009 Florida Marlins through the use of something relevant; something timely; something slightly morbid, come to think of it—the music of one, Michael Jackson.

Now, without any further ado, I present to you, the Bright Orange Seats Midseason Report Card.

JAM ON!

You Are Not Alone

To Josh Johnson,

When 2008 ended, the Marlins had a lot to look forward to in 2009. In the second half of the season, Josh Johnson, Chris Volstad and Anibal Sanchez had all come back from injuries and showed their nastiest stuff. Add to that, Ricky Nolasco's unbelievable season and a young Andrew Miller, who showed glimpses in his rookie year, and there was no reason to believe that pitching wouldn't be the Marlins' strong point in '09.

Almost 80 games in, it seems like Johnson might be the only one fulfilling those expectations.

Sanchez, out with right shoulder soreness since June 4, has pitched only 35 innings this season. Only about half of those have been pitched well. With an ERA over 5.50, he's been far from the guy the Marlins thought they'd be getting this year.

Speaking of...

Sometime in the offseason, Marlins brass kicked Scott Olsen to the curb and named Nolasco as the ace. And how has the newest No. 1 guy repaid them? With the highest ERA on the team, a 4-6 record, and a brief stint in the minor leagues, of course.

With Sanchez and Nolasco struggling though, the rest of the pitching staff has held it together. While not meeting the lofty expectations set forth by the fans, Volstad and Miller have more than held their own.

Which brings us to Johnson; clearly the real ace of the staff. As of right now, he's one of the top five pitchers in the National League, with a 7-1 record, 2.76 ERA, and 94 strikeouts. And if there were any kind of justice in Major League Baseball, he'd be joining Hanley at the All-Star Game in St. Louis, July 14.

For now, Johnson is the guy carrying this team on his shoulders, to a .500 record. If the rest of the rotation can get their shit together, the second half of the season could be a lot more interesting, especially given the complete and total ineptness of the rest of the NL East.

Scream

To the bullpen (more specifically, Renyel Pinto and Matt Lindtsrom),

The good news is that the bullpen this season isn't much worse than last year's band of merry misfits. The bad news is that they aren't much better, either.

While it may not truly reflect in the stats, there isn't a single reliever in the Marlins bullpen you would feel comfortable handing the ball to in a one-run game. Renyel Pinto? Burke Badenhop? And Lord help you if the ball is in Matt Lindstrom's hands. I've watched a number of ninth innings from my couch, rocking back and forth and screaming obscenities at a large, inanimate flat-panel television, while Kevin Gregg v2.0 hurls pitches 37 feet outside of the strike zone.

If this team doesn't develop some arms or bring in outside help, this bullpen could find itself fighting granny porn and Ben Afleck films for the top spot on my Top 10 List of Things I Have a Hard Time Watching Without Throwing Up (that's a working title).

Believe me, this bullpen makes you want to scream.

Bad

To Emilio Bonifacio and the rest of the stone-handed Marlins,

If there were one Michael Jackson lyric to describe the Marlins' fielding skills, it would be from this song:

Because I'm bad, I'm bad-come on
(bad bad-really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad-you know it
(bad bad-really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad-come on, you know
(bad bad-really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who's bad . . .

To give you an idea of just how terrible this area has been, while looking up the stats, I mistakenly read the number of errors as 693. I was one column over, reading the total number of assists, but it took a good ten minutes before it registered that 693 might be a little too absurd a number, even for this team.

Really, really bad.

Thriller

To the offense of the Florida Marlins,

Say what you will about the names littered throughout the Marlins' lineup, but you can't say they aren't entertaining.

Dan Uggla, Cody Ross, and Hanley Ramirez are all on pace to hit roughly 30 homers; Jorge Cantu has been coming up with a ton of big hits, while Ross Gload and Brett Carroll have filled-in nicely when needed.

Even Emilio Bonifacio, though severely limited, can be fun to watch once he's on the base path. It's just a matter of him figuring out how to get on said base path.

And at the very least, he's the best pinch runner in the game, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

Black or White

To the second half of the season and the Marlins playoff chances,

If the Marlins can come out of the gate, after the All-Star break, playing the way they played to start the season, then the rest of the division better be looking in the rear view mirror. If Nolasco stays on track (now that he's back) and Anibal Sanchez can figure things out coming off the DL, then there's no reason to believe this team won't compete for, at least, the wild card.

Of course, that's the hopefully optimistic outlook that can be countered by pointing out the month and a half that followed. Should the Fish fall back into the realm of ice cold bats and hopeless pitching, the last 80-plus games of the season could feel as long as it felt when your eighth grade teacher forced you to watch all ten hours of Roots.

More than likely, though, the second half of 2009 will fall somewhere between those two black and white scenarios. Shades of gray and whatnot. No matter what, it's sure to be an interesting end to the season.

Three more months of Marlins baseball—The Way You Make Me Feel.