O Gracious King, The Court Jester Has Arrived

(The following was written in five minutes in an effort to beat my previous article that was written in six minutes. The following may sound a bit grammatically perplexing but aerodynamically tripidacious with a side of BOW CHIGGA WOW WAA!!!!)

Regardless of what you hear people on ESPN say about this Shaq trade, it does not and will not have a catclysmic effect on the NBA's landscape.

As much as Shaq improved statiscally this year from his last few years in the league, Shaq isn't the guy he used to be. No, no, no. You probably think I'm referring to the guy that won all those finals MVPs during the Lakers dynasty. No, he has been gone for years now.

I'm actually talking about the guy that was on his way out of LA and helped Miami win a championship by attracting the occasional double team and giving Wade more room to operate. Yes, that guy! That's the guy I'm talking about when I say who Shaq isn't anymore.

Shaquille O'Neil, at this stage of his career, is just a name. He is a shell of a shell of who he used to be. And I know Cavs fans don't want to hear this and they don't want anyone Mountain Dewing on their parade. But I'm sorry. I owe it to those pure NBA fans out there to speak on what I have learned.

And what I have learned is that the only kind of center Shaq is anymore is the center of attention. It's a position he cherishes more than any on the court, and it is one he may have no choice but to relinquish being on the same team as LeBron James.

But he won't. He can't. For as much as Shaq realizes that the Cavs start and finish with LeBron James, he will want to leave his mark, and mark my words, it will happen to the detriment of the Cavs' offense.

I've seen how the Cavs play. They are an up and down team. All about the tempo. Sure, Shaq will have a good time choreographing dances on the sidelines, but once he is on the court, his slow butt is going to make Zydrunas look like Allen Iverson circa '98.

You know what's funny? The Suns had a championship contending team before they traded for Shaq. Shaq said coming into Phoenix that he was going to fade into the background. What ended up happening? Shaq forced the Suns to slow down their offense and what eventually happened is that Shaq became the focal point on offense. Soon thereafter, the Suns became a lottery team.

Yeah sure, you could say Amare going down caused that. But I remember those games where Shaq was down low in the paint and it left Amare with no room to operate.

I remember how Shaq pointed to his ring finger when he first got to Phoenix and ended up leaving the franchise worse than when they got him.

I remember how Shaq left the Heat with all the disparaging remarks against the Heat training staff and players.

I remember how Shaq looked broken down and dead before he started playing with Steve Nash and got into better court shape due to the miraculous workings of the Phoenix Suns training staff (Caveat—be on the lookout for Shaq to break down now that he doesn't have the Phoenix Suns training staff taking care of him).

I remember how happy I was when Miami first got Shaq and how much happier I was when they traded him.

I remember that for all the hub bub about Shaq lifting up every team's morale, he single-handedly was the grump of all grumps the year Miami finished with the worst record in the league, prompting the Heat to trade him since he just QUIT on the team.

Shaq will be a free agent after next year. It seems like a low-risk move for Cleveland. Everything to gain. Nothing to lose. Heck, they lost Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic. Those guys never even saw a sniff of playoff time during the Cavs run this year.

Yet, I know what the Cavs just inherited. So do the Heat fans. So do the Suns fans. So do the Laker fans, even though its harder for them to admit considering how his legacy was made there.

Mark my words....

He will promise rings to those Cavs faithful.

He will promise to be the dutiful sidekick.

He will talk about how LeBron is "the King".

But all Shaq is at this point in his career is a court jester.

And the Cavs just gave him a seat next to the throne.

Unfortunately for the Cavaliers, and all too well beknownst to former Shaq teams, they are about to find out that the joke is on them.

The big disaster is on his way...

(Okay, I didn't beat my record of six minutes. This one actually took about 15. But you better believe that I didn't waste a second of my time proofreading. It's 2:03 in the morning after all! Time to dream about Ricky Rubio getting traded to the Heat tomorrow!!! Good night!!!!)