New York Signs a 'Giant' Replacement for Plaxico Burress (Satire)

Ian PhilipAnalyst IIIJune 14, 2009

GLENDALE, AZ - FEBRUARY 03:  Quarterback Eli Manning #10 of the New York Giants celebrates with running back Brandon Jacobs #27 after Manning throws to wide receiver Plaxico Burress #17 of the New York Giants as Burress catches a 13-yard touchdown pass in the fourth quarter over Ellis Hobbs #27 of the New England Patriots during Super Bowl XLII on February 3, 2008 at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona.  The Giants defeated the Patriots 17-14.  (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Just days after failing to lure the Sears Tower from Chicago to replace troubled 9'6" wide receiver Plaxico Burress, the Giants scored big by signing the Empire State Building to snag Eli Manning's blimp-like passes.

The Sears Tower scoffed at NFL Network analyst Adam Schefter's claim that he wasn't ready for the bright lights of the city that never sleeps.

"That pompous ass Schefter doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm from Chicago, player. My stats man...Even I can't get up high enough to get those wounded ducks Manning chucks. Who do I look like, Plaxico Burress?"

The Empire State Building wasted no time letting anybody with in ear shot know that he is up for the challenge. 

"Yo God, I'm the big man up here in New York. I can go up and get it. (You) know what I mean? Catching Eli's ducks will be a whole lot easier than catching all those little ass pigeons."

Building took a parting shot at the Sears Tower.

"It's like my man the late great Biggie Smalls said. The city didn't need that Tower anyway. When the game's on the line, he'll drop passes unexpectedly like bird ( expletive)."

Building went on to say he's been waiting for this chance ever since watching David Tyree struggle to bring down Eli's perfectly thrown fourth quarter pass on 3rd and 5 against the New England Patriots in the 2007 Super Bowl.

"You kidding me?" Building exclaimed, "The ball was only 12 feet high! My son could have gone up and got that one."

Former Giants GM Ernie Acorsi explained that putting thousands of employees out of work and hundreds of companies out of business was necessary if "Big Blue" is to win another championship with Eli Manning at the helm.

"It's like I said before, Eli is better than Philip Rivers, Osi Umenyiora is better than Shawne Merriman, and now the Empire State Building will be better than Antonio Gates ever was. Empire has the talent to go up thousands of feet to grab those helium fueled bombs that Eli lofts, if need be. The league is not ready. I for one am proud of (current Giants GM) Floyd Reese for making the tough decision."

Oakland Raider Al Davis has taken note, trying to sign the Golden Gate Bridge to stretch the field vertically in a whole different way. Bridge, however, was not interested in the "mad house" that is the Raiders until "Crazy Al" is no longer running the once-proud franchise.

To accommodate Building's extraordinary height, Roger Goodell has declared that all dome teams on the Giants' schedule must now play any scheduled home games against Big Blue at Giants Stadium in New Jersey, angering the entire city of New Orleans.

The Saints were scheduled to host the Giants on October 8. 

"Sacré bleu!" yelled New Orleans Saints fan Pierre LaFleur, "First he gives the Giants our home game after Katrina, then he ships the team off to London to play the Chargers, now he's stolen another one from us!"

The Minnesota Vikings, who also lost a home game with the Building signing, relish the chance for a ninth city to experience the coming of the profit Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. Long-time Minnesota resident Cheryl Booker was particularly excited.

"Those fine folks in New York are very blessed to have an opportunity to see Purple Jesus live. Seeing his revival on the television isn't the same, don't cha know?"


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