The All-Presidential Basketball Team

Max KienzlerAnalyst IJune 14, 2009

Starting at Center, a 6'4 giant of a man, hailing from Springfield, Ill., your 16th president..."Honest" Abraham Lincoln.

  • The man would fill the role of a Dikembe Mutombo/Hakeem. Decent inside post moves, but there mostly for rebounding, defending, and blocking shots.
  • Best postgame interview quote: "A house divided against itself cannot stand." Interpretation: Abe knows that unity and working as a team is the only way to win the championship. He was a wise man.

At Power Forward, coming in at 6'2 from Shadwell, Va, putting the "old" in "old school," Thomas Jefferson.

  • Jefferson fits the sort of Charles Barkley mold. Undersized, but a fighter who uses his brain as much as his brawn, at least in basketball terms. Besides, the man wrote the Declaration of Independence so you know he can write the book on defense.
  • Best postgame interview quote: "Delay is preferable to error." Interpretation: The team must be patient. Do not rush shots on offense or go for an ill-advised steal on defense. That said, we think that too much delay results in a shot clock violation...they didn't have that back in his day, so we will give him a pass.

At Small Forward, he stands 6'2 and comes all the way from Honolulu, Hawaii, our current president and team captain, Barack Obama.

  • Obama is our go-to option. If compared to an NBA player at this position, I would focus on Larry Bird or maybe LeBron James. He can hit the outside jumper, he can post up, and his defense should be pesky due to his length.
  • Best postgame interview quote:"I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody." Interpretation: Obvious choice for such a well-rounded ball player. It displays his willingness to pass the ball and shows his ability to lead a team by trusting in his teammates and getting everyone involved.

Playing Shooting Guard and standing 6'1, he comes from Waxhaws (in one of the Carolinas) and brings some real grit to the team, the Seventh President, Andrew Jackson.

  • Tough and determined with a solid shooting stroke, Jackson fills the role of a Joe Dumars. Lockdown defender and a clutch shooter but also doesn't need the ball to be effective.
  • Best postgame interview quote: "I have always been afraid of banks." Interpretation: The man is cocky. He doesn't believe in using the backboard.

And at point guard, from Brookline, Mass., standing 6'0 even, the 35th president and one of the most popular, John F. Kennedy.

  • If he can run the U.S. government, he can run the point. He was considered a man of vision and inner strength. So he is like John Stockton, great court vision and the mental and physical toughness to lead this star-studded squad.
  • Best postgame interview quote: "Sure it's a big job; but I don't know anyone who can do it better than I can." Interpretation: No one can beat me. JFK is slick, smooth, smart, and what is more, he knows it. He can be modest when necessary. But when the game is on the line, he is the playmaker. He knows he can do it, and he knows that no one can stop him.

Reserves on the following page...


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C- Lyndon B Johnson - 6'3

  • Big, burly and tough. He brings the size needed to clog the middle on both defense and offense. I imagine him as a Jason Maxiell type.
  • Postgame quote: "You aren't learning anything when you're talking." Interpretation: The man schools other players and lets his game do the talking.

PF - Bill Clinton - 6'2

  • Also big, Clinton looks like he would be a crafty player. He is one of those who can pull out the old man tricks. A sneaky scorer and a pesky defender. God help me, think Anderson Varejao.
  • Postgame quote: “Keep your eyes on the prize and don't turn back.” Interpretation: We are not sure if he is referring to the championship, or to the ladies, but we agree regardless.

SF - George Washington - 6'2

  • Whether it is the three from deep, a midrange fadeaway or a layup in traffic, Ole George is instant offense. As a cagey veteran, he knows all the moves and has a polished game. He is there to provide support and to teach the younger players. Think Toni Kukoc with the Bucks.
  • Postgame quote: "It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one." Interpretation: Washington doesn't make excuses. He just hits big shots.

SG - Ronald Reagan - 6'1

  • He likes taking jumpers and his ability to "draw" fouls by falling down a lot often have opponents frustrated. That said, he is a streaky shooter and his acting job on defense irritates many. Think Sasha Vujacic, except with less hair.
  • Postgame quote: "It's true, hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" Interpretation: He doesn't work hard. (Thus why Reagan is a reserve)

G - Warren Harding - 6'0

  • A tough individual, Harding made the team mostly due to his size (he was over 6 feet tall.) He plays tough D, although he is called by some a "dirty player" and can hit jumpers when open.. However, it is  not consistent, and he has never been able to create his own shot. A Bruce Bowen type, except not as good.
  • Postgame quote: "I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies in a fight. But my friends, my goddamned friends, they're the ones who keep me walking the floor at nights!" Interpretation: Harding gets frustrated by his lack of playing time and with the lack of shots he gets... although with this team, he shouldn't be surprised.

PG - Dwight Eisenhower - 5'10

  • Fast as lightning, Ike is the Muggsy Bogues of the team. He has great ball handling, a good head on his shoulders, although he wants to run-and-gun so much he does turn the ball over occasionally, and he is fearless. The perfect speed back up to JFK.
  • Postgame quote: "What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog." Interpretation: It doesn't matter how short he is, he wants it more than anybody else. And if he doesn't, he will run you over with a tank.

G - Richard Nixon - 5'10

  • Despite the abundence of guards, Nixon makes the team due to his quick hands and his very well known love for reviewing tapes.
  • Postgame quote: "I am not a crook." Interpretation: Come on, you had to know that was coming. I mean Nixon is on the team to steal the ball...and to be a mainstay in the tape room...okay, it is getting way too easy.