2009 Florida Marlins: The Fat Chick at the Bar

Being a Marlins fan in 2009 is the third most frustrating job in all of sports, trailing only Sidney Ponson's AA sponsor and the button on David Well's pants.

Building off of the good fortune of '08, this team sprinted out of the gate to an 11-1 start. The pitching was everything we, as fans, expected it would be, while the offense was finding ways to produce, despite a significant lack of Josh Willinghams and Mike Jacobses in the batting order.

After all, who needs big bats when you've got Emilio Bonifacio, a guy who doesn't have to hit it out to round the bases?

Yes, this would be the season that the Marlins would truly compete for the division.

Unfortunately, optimism is the sports equivalent of beer goggles. When things are going well, you start to forget all about reality.

You forget that this pitching staff had proven themselves for all of half a season, last year. Your brain ignores that the Marlins organization, notorious for evaluating talent, was dead set against offering Dan Uggla a multi-year contract, for a reason.

You see Bonifacio as the smoking hot redhead at the bar, when in reality, it's three in the morning, you're drunk, and he's the fat chick you're going to hate yourself for waking up next to in the morning.

Do I wish I were wrong? Certainly.

But, the Marlins' .247 batting average, .383 slugging percentage, 494 strikeouts, 49 errors, .978 fielding percentage, and sub-.500 record would suggest that this isn't just a slump.

And if it weren't for El Cool J.J., the Marlins' Opening Day rotation would have a collective ERA similar to C.C. Sabathia's BMI.

Earlier in the year, I would've chalked it up to sample size, but once you hit 60 games, what you've seen is pretty much what you're going to get.

Maybe the '08 season went a little too perfectly; the Marlins had an infield that broke home run records, suffered no substantial injuries, and they hung around the top of the NL East long enough to make you legitimately proud.

And not that We-spent-about-a-month-in-first-but-never-actually-had-a-shot proud, that Pirates fans have gotten used to over the last decade or so, but real pride that this team might some day cause some damage.

Maybe it was just enough to get your hopes up, especially seeing how this season started out. Maybe it was just enough to turn you into an optimist.

Yay, optimism.

But the All-Star Break is last call at the bar and, if you haven't already, pretty soon you'll begin to sober up and see the beast you're about to bump uglies with.

That beast is your 2009 Florida Marlins.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go down another six-pack and try to get back to being drunkenly optimistic.