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Breaking News: Shaquille O'Neal Revealed As True NBA Commisioner (Humor)

Hoops4life Analyst IJune 1, 2009

PHOENIX - FEBRUARY 15:  Shaquille O'Neal #32 of the Western Conference runs up court after a basket during the 58th NBA All-Star Game, part of 2009 NBA All-Star Weekend at US Airways Center on February 15, 2009 in Phoenix, Arizona.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

Breaking News: Shaquille O'Neal revealed as the true commissioner, making former teams fight for who gets to retire his jersey.


In an incredible revelation earlier today, it has become apparent that David Stern is not the true commissioner of the league, and has just been the face of the operation. ( the information was revealed by former bad guy, now good guy, Tim Donaghy)

Shaquille O'Neal, he of three rings and finals MVP's, is in fact the true commissioner of the NBA, and has been controlling NBA outcomes for years now.

At a press conference held earlier today, Stern had this to say:

''He took me to a club one night...some drinks were had...and the next morning it appeared I had signed certain documents. I'm just happy that Mr. O'Neal kept me on, he said he needed a hip face for the youngsters to connect with..''


It was also revealed that O'Neal had in fact orchestrated this year's NBA Finals' matchup between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Orlando Magic.

The two teams O'Neal had the most success with will apparently be fighting for not only an NBA Championship, but the honour of hanging O'Neal's jersey when he retires.

As the big man stepped to the podium, he issued this statement

''I couldn't really decide where to hang it...so I thought the best option was just have them battle it out. In the 2010 Finals it'll be the Miami Heat vs the Phoenix Suns to decide where I get to be a Police Officer''

Shaquille went on to reveal several other events he had constructed for personal reasons at some point in this decade, some examples being:

1. Robert Horry getting the big shots in San Antonio (He was owed after hitting the big shot after O'Neal missed in 2002 against the Kings)

2.Dwyane Wade missing so much time due to injury (He was starting to steal the spotlight)

3. The Cavs being swept by the Spurs in 2007 (If Shaq got swept in his first trip to the finals, apparently so does James)

4.Tim Duncan not being signed to Orlando (''That's my house'')

5.Amare Stoudemire's season-ending eye surgery this year (see number 2)


At one point during the press conference, a young reporter asked why, if Shaquille had as much control over NBA outcomes, his own Phoenix Suns failed to even make the playoffs this year...to which O'Neal quickly replied:

''Now how in the hell am I gunna Twitter if I've got to play in the game?"


O'Neal has assured us that the NBA will not change despite the shocking revelation, though he did give us some insights into future events happening in the NBA:

The NBA shall extend into Europe and China within the decade, so that O'Neal can ''get his fill of great food.''

A new rule only allowing players under 6'10 and 250 pounds eligible to be put into the draft will be enforced next year.

The three second violation and offensive charge fouls are to be removed

Stan Van Gundy is going to be replaced by his brother Jeff

Kobe Bryant will be made to attend an ''Appreciating A**'' Seminar.

Although this has shaken many fan's faith in the NBA, really it does make it a lot more fun...and we get a great finals match-up in the process.

And besides...we all had an inkling, right?

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