10 Ways to Improve the Champions League Draw

What event is too long, over-hyped and filled with lengthy spells where nothing happens?

Chelsea's recent visit to Old Trafford is technically a correct answer, but we were actually thinking of the Champions League draw. 

It is solemn, it takes itself far too seriously and it needs a little spicing up. As we prepare for Thursday's Group Stage draw in Monaco, here's our suggestions for improvements...

Make the Ceremony Five Minutes Long

Whether it's a Ballon d'Or award ceremony or a tournament draw, glitzy events organised by football's governing bodies always last way too long.

Last year, the tedious process was dragged out to nearly 38 minutes by the introduction of former legends, clips from previous years and awkward chat between folks who don't share a common first language.

Let's scrap all of the nonsense and cut to the chase.

Make the whole process five minutes long. That allows a generous 9.4 seconds for each of the 32 balls to be drawn, at which point we can all get on with the rest of our lives.

Hold a 'rookie Talent Show' for New Teams

The "rookie talent show" is a staple of every NFL team's pre-season, whereby the newest players are forced to debase themselves in front of their new colleagues.

It's a lighthearted hazing routine that would help combat some of the pomposity of the current draw, if applied to Champions League debutants or those returning after a period of absence.

If they beat Celtic, for example, new boys Shakhter Karagandy could come on stage and spin plates—being careful not to sacrifice any sheep in the process. Perhaps Viktoria Plzeň could perform a glee-style a capella version of the Champions League theme, while juggling flaming bowling pins.

Make Managers Who Hate Each Other Sit Next to Each Other

If Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola were forced to sit next to each other, the entire world would probably miss the draw, as all cameras would be trained on them.

Pep would be wise to complement his hipster look with a pair of trendy black-rimmed glasses, as they might prove useful in thumb-gouging situations.

Put a Snake in with the Balls

One of the four selection pots has a hungry and mildly agitated viper in it, but which one?! 

Will Steve McManaman dawdle over picking the balls if he knows that he might need Pedro Pinto to come and suck the venom from his wrist?

We may have just found a new way to match the drama on the field. 

Give Staff from Disqualified Teams Menial Roles During the Draw

Fenerbahçe and Metalist Kharkiv have both been expelled from the 2013-14 Champions League on match-fixing charges, with SB Nation confirming that the Court of Arbitration for Sport turned down their respective appeals on Wednesday.

As part of their punishments, players and staff from both teams should be made to perform demeaning jobs at the ceremony.

Metalist coach Myron Markevych could collect coats in the cloakroom as his peers arrive. Fener president Aziz Yıldırım could be forced to carry trays of hors d'oeuvres at the after party. Maybe Raul Meireles could be the man responsible for handling and provoking the venomous snake that will be placed in one of the draw pots.

Let Ian Holloway Conduct the Ceremony

Ian Holloway is unlikely to ever manage a Champions League team, but that doesn't mean he should not be part of the proceedings.

Currently, as each ball is drawn a host will explain who the team are, and where they have ranked in previous European Cup competitions.

Give this job to Ollie! Not only will it be amusing to hear his west country drawl chew through the likes of "Olympiacos Piraeus," but he would certainly add some brilliant banter to what is a very dry process.  

Turn the Draw into a Competition Pt. 1

Rather than arbitrarily picking balls, why not add a sporting angle to the group stage draw?

Here's a suggestion: There are eight large bins placed at one end of a field. On the halfway line, a chosen player from each club has to kick a ball into one of those bins. That determines his team's Champions League group. Higher seeded teams get to kick last, and if a player misses, he gets to go again, but not until everyone else has taken a pop. 

While a player takes his shot, the other 31 contestants are allowed to try and put him off, BASEketball-style.  

Turn the Draw into a Competition Pt. 2

If the aforementioned ball-hoofing competition is a little radical, then how about adding an element of gameshow-style entertainment?

Once a team's ball is drawn, a representative must stand up and play the "Yes/No" game for one minute, answering questions about their side. If they slip up, they immediately get thrown into the Europa League.

N.B. Manchester Utd should not use Phil Neville as their representative in this game.

Encourage the Audience to Heckle

Football is a sport where passions run high and a game is changed by the support or provocation from beyond the sidelines.

The staid atmosphere created by club staff, UEFA dignitaries and journalists who are struggling to stay awake during a Champions League draw does not seem to reflect this.

The process could stand to be a little rowdier. Perhaps Arsene Wenger could lead a chorus of "It's all gone quiet over there!" as Manchester City get put in the same group as Bayern Munich and Paris Saint-Germain. Maybe Manuel Pellegrini could hit back with "You're not singing any more!" as The Gunners get drawn with Juventus and Borussia Dortmund. 

It's not a proper football occasion unless there are stewards lining up the aisle. 

Ensure Manchester Utd Don't Get an Easy Group

Come on, they're due a harder one soon, aren't they?

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