A Guide to Surviving Baseball's Steroid Era (Satire)

B MacCorrespondent IMay 8, 2009

ANAHEIM, CA - MAY 6: Home plate umpire Bill Hohn ejects manager Mike Scioscia of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim during an argument at home in the game with the Toronto Blue Jays at Angel Stadium May 6, 2009 in Anaheim, California.  (Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

Performing Enhancing Drugs, steroids, HGH, hGC, geez oh man. What is baseball coming to these days? Why is it that players need these things to play better?

Well I am not here to answer those questions. Heck no. I would feign an attempt to answer those questions. I am not a "baseballologist" (baseball+some kind of -ology+ scientist), so I have the slightest of ideas as to why players take the stuff.

But, I can try to provide a survival guide for how to survive the steroid era of baseball. That I can do for you. This guide you will find all the tools you need to survive a potential steroid era collapse of Major League Baseball.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 1: Make a "Voo-Doo" Doll

No. Not for the kids. If anyone person can take most of the blame for allowing steroids on their watch, it would be you know who. So go ahead make a "Voo-Doo" doll.

Start off small. Try starting off by making a doll of your fantasy league commissioner, then move your way up the ladder. Try sticking the pins in some place were it hurts the most. Or try giving it to the dog; see what he does with it.

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Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 2: Become a medical doctor

First off, don't be like House and steal your own prescription pad and then forge your doctor/friend's name on it, just so you can get the "stuff". No. You won't get very far.

Become a medically licensed doctor and write your own prescriptions for the "stuff." That way you do not get in trouble with the law or any overseeing organization.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 3: Muckrake

If at first you don't succeed at trying to metaphorically "bury" someone, try some good old-fashioned 1910's muckraking. If it worked for Upton Sinclair and William Randolph Hearst back in the 1900's, it can work for you.

Try muckraking "small fish" first, then move up to "bigger fish." Start at the township level and then move up to county. Or if we are talking about PEDs start at the middle school level and then work your way up.

But watch out what claims you make about children in high school. Remember in ninth grade one looks completely different from what they would look like in twelfth grade.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 4: Stay away from questionable people and things

Look...if you got an uncle or an aunt or a cousin at is rather shady. Or they have "priors" stay away from them. Don't allow them to give you anything that looks "funny," tastes "funny," or makes your body feel "funny."

This means stay away from needles of all kinds. Sewing, hypodermic, medical, lasers, etc. Also stay away from weird sounding, smelling, or tasting products.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 5: Go on "Fact Finding" missions

If you do choose to take a substance or product, go on a fact finding mission. Get the information about said substance or product.

No one likes being caught with their pants down. No, not even porn stars. Get the facts straight. Try asking your boss if said substance would be a "fireable" offense.

Plausible Deniability only works for the President of the United States, because there is some stuff that he/she does not need to know (about). Just ask J.C. Romero.

Or just ask yourself: "What would Cole Hamels do?"

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 6: Blacklists, marked men, persecutions, and the truth

If your name lands on a list due to said use of said substance come out and say it. "Yes, I took said substance. I did it so I could finish (insert job)," or "I did it so I could get back to/from (insert something) sooner."

No one likes a whistler or a whisteblower. Everyone loves the truth. Lying only makes you look more guilty. Now then, if you just happen to be a "marked man" or a selected individual chosen by a journalist for persecution, slap a restraining order on them. Gag orders are also effective.

If worse comes to worst, try the United States Supreme Court. They work very well. Congress...they are only good at exposing the issue.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 7: Go on Hiatus

Just that, go on hiatus. Go away for about four to five months. It all blow over, like a raging hurricane or typhoon. Go into "exile" or seclusion or even hermitage.

If you go away for a while the issue will just die out eventually. If not... try changing your name, shaving, chop off the dreadlocks, and your profession. Or try going on a Christian mission, and while your at it: try finding God.

If all else fails and you can not escape the issue: enter Federal Witness Protection.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 8: Think about the children

Think about the children. Try doing some "public relations" in schools. Get the word out about the "stuff" that people are taking. Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, offer children steroids, PEDs, or other contraband stuff.

No. Giving the "stuff" to children will get your big butt thrown in jail for a time period of no less than three years to no more than ten years.

Just think about the children.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 9: Prohibition

"You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!"- Mayor Quimby.

I am not saying ban alcohol. Heck no. If it failed the first time why try again? Try gunning for this: if steroids and other performing enhancing drugs are illegal, why not make them more illegal.

Steroid Era Survival Lesson Number 10: Just Say No

Remember that one phrase that your teachers, parents, high school guidance counselors, and family doctors told you? Well here it comes into play.

Just say no if someone offers your performing enhancing drugs or steroids. That also goes for other illegal substances under United States Code (U.S.C.) and legal age requirements.

I do not need to reiterate how bad these things are for you. Unless you are recovering from Chemotherapy, receiving hormone therapy, or recovering from some other medical malady; do not take the stuff.

You know what? Maybe Major League Baseball needs to revert back to the Dead Ball Era. Where the men were men...their "forms" of PEDs and steroids consisted of beer/alcohol, cigars and cigarettes, hot dogs, Coca-Cola, and a whole lot of women.


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