Last January, I wrote …

Often times the JoeSportsFan inbox receives press releases announcing “big things” in the world of sports and corporate America. The announcement for Oreo’s “Ultimate Sibling Rivalry” is one such example, and while the commercial aired 10 days ago, it’s worth revisiting for a couple of reasons.

1. Manning Brothers and Williams Sisters to Compete in Ultimate Sibling Rivalry with a Twist, Lick and Dunk

Not sure about you guys (and ladies), but when promoting the Brothers Manning and Sisters Williams, the use of “twist”, “lick” and “dunk” is probably best left in the rough draft.

2. East Hanover, N.J. (Jan. 15, 2009) – On Jan.18, 2009, Peyton and Eli Manning and Venus and Serena Williams, both sibling members of the Oreo® Double Stuf™ Racing League, will come together in their second joint TV commercial to see which pair can twist, lick and dunk an Oreo Double Stuf cookie and glass of milk the fastest. The ad will air during the NFC Conference Championship game.

The matter-of-fact statement that yes, Peyton and Eli Manning and Venus and Serena Williams play for Oreo. That’s where their fame came from, people. Bet you didn’t know that.

3. If you’re a quicker licker, you will rock in the DSRL …

Blimp implosion lets air out of Williams Manning lick-off

Those were two scrolling headlines on the DSRL Web site ticker. Fun times.

For the record, you can view the resulting commercial below …

That was four months ago. Then Saturday I received the following email …

Hey there –

I work with the Oreo Double Stuf Racing League and we had an event yesterday that had the Manning brothers and Williams sisters coaching consumers licking off in Palm Beach. The Williams team won, but we also have GREAT footage of the Williams and Mannings facing off in doubles tennis.

Let me know if you’d like me to send over the footage. Thought it might work well with your blog.

Thanks,
Scott Slattery

This is right now …

Scott, thanks for the email. I really wish I was there to see this lick off. If there’s one thing the world is lacking these days, it’s coverage of professional athletes licking cookies. I would like to tell you that I kind of get turned on when Serena licks the icing off the cookie, but I can’t because I’m quite disgusted. Disgusted at the fact that you’d have the Williams sisters and Manning brothers eat Oreos without dunking them in milk.

Relay that message to your bosses, jerky.

– Patrick Imig###MORE###

April 27

1896 – Rogers Hornsby, the only National League player to win the Triple Crown, is born.  He’s largely considered the best player in St. Louis Cardinals’ history that’s not named “Stan Musial” or “Albert Pujols” or “Tito Landrum”.

1944 – Cuba Gooding, Sr, father of The Rod Tidwell, is born.  He was not a Sundevil and did not make miracles happen.

1981 - The first female soccer official is hired by the North American Soccer League (NASL).  She was smoking hot, but NASL research showed that the progressive movement was relatively low risk since 87.4% of the soccer players were homosexuals.

1992 - Toronto Blue Jays trade Jeff Kent to the New York Mets for David Cone and a porn mustache to be be named later.

You see, the thing about most headliners is that they’re satisfied with just one snappy pun.  They crank out one cheesy line, blow up the font to about 55 point, turn off their computers and head to the bar.

Not the New York Post.  They’re the leader in this industry because where most headliners see one opportunity for a line, they push for three or four.  Be it a rhyme, a snapper or just some good old fashioned alliteration, they know how to squeeze the most out of a sports headline:

That’s three snappers in a grand total of twelve words.  Suck on that, Fox Sports.

Another fresh pack of Worthless Baseball Cards show that the Topps company really revved up their fake pose quota for the 1987 season.