2009 MLB Predictions

Nick StejContributor IApril 24, 2009

ST. PETERSBURG, FL - APRIL 16: Manager Ozzie Guillen #13 of the  Chicago White Sox blows a bubble against the Tampa Bay Rays on April 16, 2009 at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, Florida.  (Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)

First off, the Yankees are making the playoffs this year. 

That leaves one deserving team out: the Rays.  They could win 98 games this year, beat the Yanks 19-18, reverse Hitler’s impact on the world, and still not make the playoffs.  The Sox are too good and the Yanks have to make playoffs; otherwise, Selig appears in the first five minutes of Law and Order SVU.

The AL Central is always a crapshoot. 

Cliff Lee is a Greg Kihn. 

I want to hear more of Ozzie’s bullshit, but the W-Sox got weaker.  Their pitching staff is still solid. 

The Twins are back with the Royals. 

Tigers are good if healthy, and Royals need a new Saberhagen or Byrd.

Halos, please.

Team DR lost in the WBC after hacking into a flight baggie for two years in a row.  Thanks, Omar! 

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Phils have sack.  World Series! 

Sorry, Dusty Pete, you can keep your AL MVP trophy but Chase Utley is still the best on the planet. 

Barveros, Nats, and Fish suck.  Fish might make a run.  They still suck.

Why are both Central divisions crapshoots?  It’s like watching TRL every day.  No matter who wins No. 1, you’re a loser, three and out.

In the NL West, there’s sometimes one team that wins 110 games and destroys their AL opponent in the World Series. 

Talent is necessary for supplementing Manny’s eccentricities. 

The Dodgers implode.  Giants, Fathers, and D’Bags still suck.  Maybe the Rockies resurge? 

NL West sucks at least 10 corn dogs at once and loves every one of them.

Predictions

AL East

  1. BOS: The starting pitchers own, and Penny comes back to form.  Tek continues to fade.  Kottaras starts to hit and WEEI sweats his nuts until his batting average evens out after a hot start.  
  2. NYY: ARod finally produces in the postseason, but Jeter fails.  This creates a new ESPN controversy over who should be the Yanks' shortstop. It will be no sooner than August, due to Jeter’s apparent loss of wheels. 
  3. TB: D-Rays play better than they Yanks.  Nuevo Jeffrey Mayer swoops in for Deus Ex Machina. They have the talent and chemistry to win any division but this one.
  4. TOR: Leafs might make the playoffs. Actually, never mind.
  5. BAL: Where did Millar go? 

AL Central

  1. CHW: Are we wing diving?  Ozzie rules.
  2. CLE: Cliff Lee is shit.
  3. DET: They set the team record for Hepatitis infections.  Dontrelle Willis gets called back to the major league team wearing makeup.
  4. MIN: It's a bad team with a new stadium.
  5. KC: We got Coco!

AL West

  1. ANA: Halos, please.
  2. Everyone else goes down here.

NL East

  1. PHI: World Series! World Series!
  2. FLA: Pending Hanley Ramirez trade, they may move down two spots. 
  3. NYM/Team DR: Tank job! 
  4. ATL: John Smoltz’ hair comes back for a 18-10, 3.22 season, in which it places fourth in Cy Young voting. 
  5. DC: I heard from Verity that their pick is a guy that throws 103 with a nasty slider.  Eckstein and Dunn help this year, but come on. 


NL Central

  1. MIL: These fat asses just get baseball.
  2. HOU: Mash, baby, mash.  Bring back the Killer B’s.
  3. CHC: And root, root, root for the basement.  The Cubs suck.  Pinella is getting tossed a record number of times and his team is going to have a diaspora.  Soriano continues to not hit in the clutch. 
  4. STL: LaRussa ruined baseball.  If a pitcher doesn’t go for seven, it’s an embarrassment to him and all he loves. 
  5. PIT: I have Clemente’s last hat. 
  6. CIN: I saw their spring training lineup and thought I’d stumbled into a Charlotte Mud Sharks Game. Bronson Arroyo shears corn rows, yet continues to act like a douche.  40-122. 

NL West

  1. COL: Tulo leads Rocks to division title. 
  2. ARI: Brandon Webb wins another 20 games and Cy throws bowling ball sinkers.  The team still sucks. 
  3. LAD: Manny Ramirez gets biker-stomped by teammates.  Corn rows are outlawed by all non-tropical baseball leagues excluding pony league. 
  4. SF: It's a good thing that Jake Peavy got traded, or we’d be last. 
  5. SD: Peavy eventually gets traded.  

Postseason

The Yankees and Angels are the usual first round casualties in the AL.  The Rays should have been there, as they could have made a run.

I think that a random upstart is cranking the No. 1 seed in the NL.  Call them Milwaukee.  Philly beats whoever.

The Red Sox beat White Sox in five.  They are used to hard ALCS.

Philly sweeps the random aforementioned fictional team, and is stomped by the Red Sox.