16 Comical Fantasy Baseball Team Names You've Never Heard

Steve McDevittContributor IIIApril 2, 2013

16 Comical Fantasy Baseball Team Names You've Never Heard

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    The MLB season is upon us and with it also comes the beginning of a new fantasy baseball season.

    Your draft may have gone off with a hiccup; however, after looking at your fictional lineup, you realize it   lacks something.

    You need a spark. A lyric. A punch. A creative musing.

    You need a team name and not just any team name. A good team name your league chums will be jealous of.

    Sure, anyone can come up with a fantasy name and think they're a creative baseball genius.

    Bourn Identity.

    Bats in the Pelfry.

    Mauer Patch Kids.

    Life's a Beachy.

    I just came up with four right there, but let's face it, we've heard them before.

    So, what are some good names to earn the respect of your fantasy cohorts and really solidify yourself as a respectable team this season?

    If you click the next slide you will find some options. Some will make you laugh, some will make you cry and some will force you to find a good therapist afterward.

It’s Not Choo, It’s Me

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    Shin-soo Chin made the big move from Ohio to...Ohio this offseason. I'd imagine the conversation went a little something like this with Cleveland brass.

    Indians: Choo, you've been traded to the Reds

    Choo: But...why?

    Indians: Look, it's not Choo it's us...wait...did I just say that...of course it's Choo, you haven't hit in two seasons.

Put Another Shrimp on the Grilli

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    Originally a first-round pick of the San Francisco Giants in 1997, Grilli probably dreamed of a day when he could barbecue fresh seafood caught right out of the San Francisco Bay post outing.

    Unfortunately, he was traded before he reached the big league level, and he now has to settle for whatever crustacean he can find cruising the waters outside of PNC Park.

Billy Beane Is Not My Lover

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    After killing it on the charts with his original single, "Billie Jean," Michael Jackson enjoyed much less success with this less-known sequel, but the fans of Oakland could care less.

    Beane has continued to shock baseball enthusiasts year after year, putting up winning seasons with lackluster rosters.

    Will you do the same with your fantasy squad in 2013?

I Don't Normally Drink Beer, but When I Do, I Profar Dos Equis

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    His bats pine tar themselves.

    When he plays the field, there are never bad hops.

    There is no crying in baseball...unless he does.

    When he makes a basket catch, he literally uses a basket.

    His batting average always goes up, even when he records an out.

    When he is on base, the bases steal on their own.

    Cows voluntarily slaughter themselves in hopes of becoming his glove.

    He is the most interesting prospect in the majors.

    "I don't normally draft unproven shortstops from the AL West, but when I do, I draft Profar."

    -Anonymous reader that dons a silver beard and perfect old-man hair.

Milk Was a Bad Joyce

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    If you've got Matt Joyce on your team, then a warm glass of milk might be necessary to put you to sleep at night. For everyone else that isn't in a glass cage of emotion, Joyce is definitely a bad choice. And so is milk. But mostly Joyce.

Somebody That I Used Cano

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    If you have Robinson Cano on your team, you certainly won't treat him like a stranger and stoop so low like Gotye was so aptly treated. Chances are you won't need to howl these words, unless you fall asleep at the fantasy wheel and trade this second bagger godsend.

    I mean, sure, there are a few things Cano doesn't do well—saving babies from burning buildings while also figuring out the theory of relativity blindfolded for example and wrestling tiger sharks while dressed in a rotting seal outfit just to name another.

    That's about it.

    Don't make Cano someone you used to know on squad.

The Tortoise and the Haren

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    Dan Haren's ERA, like his eponymous counterpart, is fast to speed ahead of its competition without any thought of change or strategy. Once stellar, Haren has found himself in the epicenter of a sharp decline, and with a meager spring, a rebound does not appear imminent.

    One can only hope a return to the national league where he eclipsed the 200-plus strikeout plateau with Arizona in 2008 and 2009 will be the elixir this fireballer needs.

Diaper Rauch

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    I'm not sure which is worse—a reddish area of your skin that constantly itches or the stress endured watching your team ERA rise after a Jon Rauch appearance. Whatever the case, I think there is over-the-counter ointment for both ailments.

Living in a Van Down by the Rivera

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    It will be tough to manage your fantasy baseball team, when you're living in a van down by the river, unless a beaver dam has a sufficient internet connection.

Better Latos Than Never

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    No one likes tardiness—unless it is involved in a sweet fantasy baseball name.

    Mat Latos and Reds are out for blood this season after blowing a 2-0 series lead against San Francisco last October. If they show up on time for the games, they should be able to take the NL Central.

    Latos may not lead your fantasy team to victory in 2013, but at least you'll be first in line on your league's waiver wire.

This Is Crazy, but Call Me Maybin

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    Hey, I just drafted you. This is crazy. But can you please hit over .260?

    If you're not getting this reference, you're not listening to enough Carly Rae Jepsen, but probably have more friends than me as a result.

Don’t Make Your Daddy Get His Beltre

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    If you had Adrian Beltre on your team during his Seattle years, a throttling with a belt would have felt like fairies massaging your body after what he put you through. After three rebound seasons, one can safely prognosticate another monster season for the Dominican native.

    But don't think daddy isn't watching you from behind his martini with belt in hand once your fantasy team slips into seventh place...

Motte Gonna Work Here Anymore

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    "First, Mr. Samir Naga...Naga...Naga...Not gonna work here anymore, anyway..."

    If you're not familiar with one of the best quotes from the move Office Space, it probably means you spend the right amount of time managing your fantasy baseball squad instead of watching mindless movies.

    If you have Jason Motte on your team this season, this could very well be the name for you when it turns out the tear in his elbow shelves him for the whole season.

Heyward to Your Mother

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    M.C. Hammer made a career of instructing listeners to give a word to their mother, sans explanations or any content of what to actually tell her.

    Me: Word Mom

    Mother: Yes you were saying?

    Me: Well, uh, nothing I guess

    Jason Heyward, on the other hand, has 30/30 potential, and it wouldn't be surprising if he finds himself ranked as a top-five outfielder in 2014. Tell that to your mother and see what she says. Word.

Duda, Where’s My Car?

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    Dude, what's mine say?

    It says you didn't live up to fantasy hype in 2012.


Beaten with the Uggla Stick

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    I'm not sure which is more discerning: naming your fantasy team after an egregiously negative rating of a someone's appearance or having Dan Uggla as your starting second baseman. Either way, neither are good for your self-esteem the next morning.