Indianapolis Indians Opener: The Horror...The Horror!!!

Yesterday, we went to the Indianapolis Indians season opener. It was great fun, until they started getting blown out. Then we made our own fun. More on that later.

The game opened up with some promise, as Indians pitcher Jason Davis sat the Toledo Mud Hens down quickly. Two flyouts started the game, followed by a hit, which then became a stolen base and an advance to third on a throwing error by catcher Erik Kratz. However, Davis got Mike Hessman (he still plays baseball?) to fly out to right. No runs scored.

Following this, Andrew McCutchen came up to lead off for the Indians, and lined a pitch into DEEP left-center field. For those of you unaware of the dimensions of Victory Field, left-center is the deepest area of the park. McCutchen took it to the warning track, but if he hit it anywhere else, it would have been gone. As it was, he ended up with a triple, but from our vantage point it certainly looked like it could have been an inside-the-park home run if the third base coach sent him.

This was followed up with another triple this time to straight-away center by Brian Bixler, scoring McCutchen. Indians get on the board first with a one-run lead.

Up next was Jeff Salazar, who flew out, but got the ball deep enough to get Bixler home. This was followed up two flyouts from Garrett Jones and Neil Walker to end the inning, 2-0 Indians.

Then it happened. By "it," I mean a combination of horrible pitching and horrible fielding.

Jason Davis managed to give up four runs the next inning, and following that inning was a series of Corey Hamman, who gave up five runs while walking two and still managed to stay in the game for not only that full inning, but deep enough into the next inning to give up three more runs, including a home run. His ERA on the night? 54. That is the most ridiculously high ERA I have ever seen. I know it's a small sample, but it's hilarious to look at.

Hamman was followed by a combination of Jeremy Powell and Dave Davidson, who were equally as bad. By now, we'd accepted as a foregone conclusion that the Indians were going to lose, so we started entertaining ourselves. More on that after the highlights and lowlights of the game.

Highlights:

• Andrew McCutchen was 2-4 with a single, a triple, and a walk. He's showing great patience at the plate, making pitchers work, and hitting his pitch. He also made possibly the best out I've ever seen on the basepaths. Allow me to explain:

McCutchen was standing on first when a ball was grounded weakly up the middle. With two outs, he proceeded to sprint to second at full speed. As the fielder bent over to pick up the ball, he got in the way of the basepath, so McCutchen leapt over him to get to the base. He made it, but unfortunately for him his back foot clipped the fielder and he was out.

• Brian Bixler also had a good day at the plate, going 2-for-5 with a double and a triple. Too bad he'll also be featured prominently in our lowlights.

• Evan Meek came into the game late and looked incredibly sharp. The knock on him in the majors is that he doesn't show enough control, but he was popping mitts for the entire inning of work he had. He did hit one batter, but he struck two batters out and made them look silly in the process. After seeing him live for the second time, I think he really may have a future with the Pirates organization, perhaps as a setup man for Matt Capps.

• Neil Walker had a decent day at the plate with one hit and one walk, but he worked every count deep and had one AB where he had to have fouled off at least ten pitches. The important thing is he's showing a lot of discipline that he lacked early last year.

In addition, Walker showed tremendous range defensively at third base. It's clear he's still learning the position (which you'll see in the lowlights), but he absolutely has the raw defensive skills to be a fantastic third baseman.

Midlight:

I wasn't sure if this should be considered a highlight or a lowlight, but at one point Indians DH Larry Broadway was fouling pitches off at will, including one that landed in our section.

Peter had the best shot at it, but it eventually started moving towards the stairs. As a result, Peter started sprinting down the stairs in an attempt to field it after it rolled down them, but instead he tripped at about the fifth step and ended up taking out a group of people at the bottom. He didn't get the ball.

Lowlights:

Can I list the entire game?

• Neil Walker almost made an awesome play. This is where my "he's still learning the position" view comes into play, as he ran up and did an excellent job barehanding a check-swing hit that was basically a bunt, but he had a fantastic chance to throw the runner out at home and prevent a run from scoring, and chose instead to throw it to first. It was scored as a hit, but it was really a fielder's choice, and Walker made the wrong choice.

• Brian Bixler is a terrible fielder. There's no two ways about this. Walker was covering much of Bixler's territory the entire game, which resulted in several balls being grounded through that hole due to miscommunication between the two.

Bixler is more or less a Derek Jeter type of defensive shortstop. Every time he made a play, he made me say "WOW!" To a casual observer, he looks like a great defender, but when you watch him closely you see that he simply doesn't have the range to get to balls that should be routine.

• Steve Pearce will swing at ANYTHING. He has absolutely no patience at the plate. I used to wonder why the Pirates refused to promote him and give him any decent playing time, but after seeing him in person, I think I know why: one Adam LaRoche is enough.

• The starting pitcher and bullpen were both horrible. This is of no real consequence to the Pirates, as none of the pitchers the Indians used are actual prospects, save for Meek who performed well. However, it doesn't bode well for fans of a AAA team that finished last the previous year when your opening day starter only lasts for two innings.

And finally...hilarity:

• There is a second baseman in the Detroit Tigers system named Will Rhymes. This is one of the most sublime names I have ever witnessed. We kept shouting at him to throw down a freestyle for us, but he steadfastly refused. He was the player of the game, making it even funnier.

Thomas' three observations:

• There was a woman outside the bathroom selling...something, and shouting things incredibly loudly the entire game. Unfortunately, nobody could understand a word she was saying, so she wasn't doing very well. She sort of sounded like the cat lady from the Simpsons, and eventually Thomas deduced that she must be speaking Klingon.

• There was, for no explainable reason, a puddle of urine square in the middle of the Victory Field men's restroom.

• There was a hefty man walking in the concourse with a Red Sox hat and what can only be described as a Charles Darwin beard. No word on whether or not it was actually Rocco Baldelli.

And last, but certainly not least, after about the third inning we gave up on any sort of rally and took to just shouting lines from the song "Captain Jack (Ey Yo)" by Captain Jack.

Thus began The Campaign. We need your help, Sixty Feet, Six Inches readers! Don't let us down! Spread the word!

This only served to alienate everyone in our section, who had no idea what was going on. Eventually they started filing out en masse. We're not sure if it was because of the 16-5 final score or because of us, but never the less, we have adopted a new motto: "Sixty Feet, Six Inches: nobody clear out a section like us!"

The highlight of the Captain Jack hilarity came when a drunken man wandered to our section and started telling us to sing "Ole ole ole," the soccer song. Instead, we petitioned that he sing Captain Jack. He refused, saying "I like that song, but no." The remainder of the section proceeded to crack up.

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