A Beginner's Guide to Chicago Baseball: Survive if We Let You

We dip into the mailbag for today's article.

"Ernest, I love the articles. I know you're a Chicago native, and due to work, I'm moving there in a few weeks. I love baseball, and am currently willing to declare my loyalty to one of Chicago's clubs. Anything I should know ahead of time? I don't want to get my ass kicked."

Signed,

Red Line Rookie

RLR,

First, welcome to the greatest city in the world—when it's not cold. Which it usually is. I really hope you brought a coat.

Chicago has very rich baseball tradition, and I advise you to read up on it. However, in the interest of brevity, I'm gonna get right to the point and give you some do's and dont's about both teams, and not let my obvious bias (SOXSOXSOXSOXSOX) influence you (Seriously, though—White Sox Baseball).

First things first—know these two iron-clad rules.

1. PICK. A. SIDE.

There is no quicker way to be outed as a bandwagon fan (or, even worse, someone who doesn't like baseball!) than to say soft-ass chestnuts like "I like Chicago, so I don't care" or "I grew up going to both games, so I like both"

Get that s#@t outta here.

Whatever it takes, you better have a baseball team ready when someone asks.

2. Know What You're Talking About

I once had a conversation with an old Mexican man, an Irish union guy, and an Asian elderly gent about the 1998-'99 infield and why we miss Robin Ventura. Chicago is a cold, old-fashioned, segregated city, and love for baseball warms us up and brings us together.

So, know what you're talking about.

Read. Check stats. Do what you must to be current.

If you follow those two, you're on the right track. Now let's look at your two options:

Things You Need to Know About the Cubs

Wrigley is an awesome place to be if you like a more jovial atmosphere. Seriously, if Cubs day games were in a movie (and they have been) the title would have to be "There Will be Beer."

They (Cubs fans) are usually none-too-keen on being reminded of their century-long postseason futility. If I'm you, the word "curse" doesn't leave my mouth unless someone brings it up to you.

The seventh-inning stretch is a lovely tradition, and you should take part.

As a newbie, sit in the bleachers. Those are cheaper tickets (good luck with that) and fun people-watching. Oh, and a baseball game, too.

There are also more hot girls.

They are usually drunk.

This = Win.

Wrigleyville itself is the Bourbon Street of the Midwest. Before and after a game (especially if they win) it shouldn't be too hard for you to find a bottle to fall into. This is a good time to make friends.

Night games are overrated. The place didn't have lights full-time until I was 15, or something.

While most acknowledge the White Sox as their primary source of disgust, these guys get really serious when St. Louis comes to town. So, don't be from St. Louis.

Things You Need to Know About the White Sox

Traditionally, Southsiders are more working class than your average Cubs fan (We call them fratboys). Thus, you will see a lot more mustaches and guts. Don't forget this is a union town, jack.

There's fun to be had, and, while Cubs fans disagree with me about this, baseball seems to be taken more seriously at The Cell (note: you have not earned the right to call it Comiskey, so don't).

There isn't as much to do in the surrounding area, since this is the Southside. Either hit Taylor Street afterward, or get your ass on the train—this is no time to be a hero.

We take the Crosstown rivalry much more seriously, it seems. Some of this is because of inferior feelings stemming from high school, but mostly, it's because of the fight.

What do you mean, you don't know about the fight?

Saturday, May 20, 2006—A day that will live in infamy.

White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski (the only Florida Gator I will ever respect) was coming home off a sac fly. He gave Cubs catcher Michael Barrett the ol' Stony Island Special at home. A.J. slaps the plate to celebrate, and Barrett squares off and cracks him in the jaw.

At this point, to quote the late Biggie Smalls "stuff got thrown, and a fucking fight broke out." There were a lot of ejections, and the stands were filled with people wild-ing out. Seriously, the crime rate went up for about 20 minutes. Ever since then, it seems, things have been tense.

One of our bigger rallying cries is that there has always been biased media coverage towards the Cubs. This is usually true, but it's also mostly because the team was owned by a huge media outlet for a long time.

What are you gonna do? Win a damn World Series, that's what.

The White Sox don't have many day games, as the field had lights a lot earlier than Wrigley. This has led to my personal favorite phrase: "Cubs fans have day games, Sox fans have jobs".

Rivalry talk non-withstanding, the Sox are in a very frustrating division where Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit, and even the freaking Royals can beat the others on any given day.

A good tip: Don't be from Minnesota, Cleveland, Detroit, or Kansas City. Actually, No one in Chicago likes Detroit, now that I think about it.

Lastly, The President of the United States of America is a White Sox fan. I get a huge smile on my face every time I say that.

So I hope this little guide has helped you out in picking a side to love. While the jeering is all in good fun, know that you're in a great sports town with lots to enjoy from both sides. Also, while baseball may divide the city, but the Bears unite it.

Seriously, God help you if you don't like the Bears.