College Football 2012: Fan Training Camp Regimen to Get in Shape for New Season

With a mere 30 days separating us from the kickoff of the 2012 college football season, it’s time to ask fans everywhere…are you ready?

And in this case, we don’t mean “are you ready to watch live-action college football games?” because the answer to that question is blatantly obvious to the zealous enthusiast, what we’re asking here is, “are you READY?”

Yes, “ready” as in are you prepared, are you geared up, are you equipped, are you organized and have you arranged everything you in need to in anticipation of the glorious onslaught of college football that lies tantalizingly just around the corner?

To answer these burning questions, the following slideshow outlines a delicious yet crucial regimen that the vigilant fan needs to carefully follow to be truly ready for the kick-off of the greatest team sport in this great nation.

Though the prescribed course of therapy may need to be individualized for distinct regions, fanbases or climates, it’s a tremendous foundation on which to build a magnificent season.

The message here is clear; be prepared, be serious, be mindful…because before we know it, January will roll around and it will all be over, once again.

Indeed let us go forth, hand-in-hand, and not waste a precious second… yes friend and fellow fanatic, let us gird our loins for the greatness that is our destiny.

Finger Exercises

In the modern world of college football fandemonium, there may be no more important apparatus than the remote control.

Indeed, the means with which we apply jurisdiction over the television, and therefore the selection of live-feed football games, is nothing short of vital.

To be thoroughly ready to exercise command of one’s game-watching options, simple finger exercises are strongly encouraged for the serious fan.

These drills, which can be done on an actual remote control or one of the many “training” models offered at athletics retailers, should be done both prior to the season and during the few days during the week when games are not being broadcast.

Remember, to completely capitalize on your viewing options, you must be in top-notch physical condition in order to ensure that the correct buttons are pushed at precisely the exact time.

The necessary cat-like reflexes don’t just happen naturally; they require practice.

Cleaning Tap/Keg Lines

If you are lucky enough to claim ownership of a keg-dispensing device, you should count your blessings and then be committed to regular maintenance.

Though a yearly upkeep schedule is obviously crucial, really August is the most important check-up time for the kegerator owner.

Remember, your careful attention to detail in this area not only enhances your enjoyment of the college football season, it also goes a long way in making your loved one’s experience more palatable.

Clearing Out Space on DVR

There is nothing worse than trying to juggle life’s “other” schedule and your college football needs and finding out that your DVR isn’t in a position to provide a depository for the games you will miss.

Again, the best way to prevent these types of catastrophic disasters is to be proactive rather than reactive.

In other words, clear out the DVR memory in August and be very well-heeled in November.

This is not the Bachelorette or Dancing with the Stars, this is live-action, Grade AAA college football.

Use your head, son.

Calendar Clean-Out

The concept of a seasonal calendar clean-out is a tricky scheme, but it needs to be done if you’re seriously committed to a full-bodied college football campaign.

The approach here is to sit down with your full fall calendar and whittle down your commitments to a bare, “I absolutely have to” minimum.

It’s a lot like a administering a tough financial budget to get out of debt or reach a certain monetary goal and, it’s also like a good diet; what do I have to eat just to stay alive?

Careful consideration of the verbiage used in declining invitations or rescheduling events is crucial to ensure that feeding your college-football passion doesn’t hurt everyone else’s feelings.

But, that doesn’t mean that honesty should be sacrificed for mere civility.

To illustrate, let’s say that your brother’s kid's birthday party is at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 3, which just so happens to be about halfway into the Texas Tech vs. Texas game, what do you do?

Option one is to show up on time, and then be noticeably passive aggressive at the cake cutting, or instead be MIA while hiding in the half-bath with the smelly candles furiously trying to get enough G’s to watch the feed on your I-phone.

Option two is to tell your brother, and his wife, that you’ll be happy to come at just a hair after 3 p.m. (or whenever the game is over).

As an excuse, you say you have a critical issue to take care of, which in reality, you damn well do.

Significant Other/Spouse Saturation

Here’s another delicate little topic but again, one that is better to be handled proactively rather than reactively.

There is no doubt that college football fanatics suffer relationships that are somewhat hindered while the season is in full swing.

The true enthusiast has a choice, sit back and endure the consequences of watching football from 11 a.m. to 3 a.m. every Saturday or think ahead and have a plan.

The “saturation plan” offered starts in August and then winds down as the season heats up.

The No. 1 dictum in this scheme is to make a serious time commitment in August; yes, do it up big before the summer ends.

Every relationship and every individual is different, so while one of us might be walking on the beach and talking about our feelings for six hours for four weeks, the other one of us is curled up on the couch watching meaningful commentary about reality TV.

But, we’re all doing the same thing, and that’s whatever the non-fan in the relationship wants.

Moving on into the season itself, time is clearly set aside (clearly outside the parameters of game time) for further canoodling, hand holding and other actions necessary for fostering relationships that will last past the national championship game.

Again, think ahead, be smart, and remember; it will all be over in four months and we’ll still want someone to scratch our backs…

TV Package Review

With the wide array of packages offered by both cable and satellite providers, it’s important to weigh all your football viewing options before the season actually begins.

Really, if you follow one team passionately, you may want to sit down with your squad’s schedule and see how it fits into whatever your paying for now and make tweaks or complete account shifts as necessary.

Spreadsheets are encouraged when comparing and contrasting TV packages and it’s also absolutely crucial to get the whole “ESPN 3” live-feed logistics worked out BEFORE the season starts.

Local Bar Review

The backup plan to a specific game not being available via TV at your home is to find a local eatery or watering hole that offers an amped-up combination of both monitors and game packages.

Again, this relationship is important to have well underway and consensual before the season begins.

Important factors in finding a suitable alternate home base for your viewing pleasure are TV locations, TV quality, ease of getting some guy behind the bar to change the channel for you, sound options (i.e. you can hear the broadcasters or not, based on your preference) and then a safe distance from your home.

Less important but still worthy of mention are quality of food and beverage selection, but keep in mind, this is really about watching the game.

See the game first, eat and drink next.

Refrigerator Clean-Out

Keeping one’s chilled foods up to date and in a sanitary state is important year round, but when August rolls around, the stakes are much higher in the world of home refrigeration.

The first thing to consider in prepping your fridge for the season is getting rid of stuff that has nothing to do with football and by this we mean fruit juices, yogurt and the leafy crap that goes in salads.

This not only leaves room for the stuff you really need, it helps you keep your eye on the ball.

There is nothing worse than coming home with three cases of beer, a couple 12-packs of Dr. Pepper, two summer sausages and three gallons of dip and finding out that your refrigerator can’t handle the job.

Grease Renewal

For those who own a “Fry Daddy” or other home deep-frying device, it’s time to clean your grease.

Yes, as disgusting a chore as it surely is, you need to empty the gadget of goodness, clean it properly, and refill it with clean, glorious oil.

In reality, its fine to have a “dirty” fry-up, complete with bits and pieces from all season long, in late November, but there is no reason this needs to happen in September.

Final Summer Diet

We can all pretend like we won’t eat the chicken wings, drink that dreaded seventh beer (remember, Saturday lasts a full 24 hours) or finish off that dip at 11 p.m. during the West Coast game but, in all honesty, we know we probably will.

Sure, some game days will witness more self-control than others, but we all know we’re going to eat and drink stuff we shouldn’t whilst enjoying our favorite pastime.

With all this in mind, let’s all go on a final 30-day summer diet, a gastronomic cleansing if you will, before the season begins.

It makes sense and we’ll look better on Facebook when we post our September photos, which are all taken while we’re still smiling, while we’re still undefeated, before our team starts losing conference games in October.

Lunges

Defined aptly as “a sudden forward thrust of the body, typically with an arm outstretched to attack someone or seize something,” the lunge is college football preparatory worthy on a bunch of different levels.

First, we are preparing the body for the campaign ahead with actual exercise, and it’s the employment of training that both raises the eyebrow and cleanses the palette (especially if you own an NCAA-licensed unitard).

Secondly, by definition, we are preparing to attack the loud fan of the other team, the hated coach of the rival, the beer guy who is not moving fast enough up the steep steps; it’s a metaphoric preparation.

Lastly, and again symbolically, we are seizing something as we lunge; we are seizing the season, the dream of a better outcome, and the hope of hopes that in January, the crystal encrusted football will be ours…

Emergency Home Repair Kit

Let’s be honest, if things go wrong, if the ball slips out of someone’s hand or a coverage gets blown…things could get really ugly.

There may be no more passion driven rage than that of a disgruntled college football fan, an enthusiast who could taste victory, glory and see title town but instead gets a huge dose of “almost” shoved directly down their throats.

This is when something inevitably gets thrown, broken or beat down and therefore we need a plan to fix the said damage.

The methodology here is actually reactive; prepare an emergency kit to repair any potential destruction.

This could be as simple as making sure the power tools are charged or purchasing some spackle and a putty knife, or it could be as complex as buying tools if you have none.

The truth is those who are offended by whatever spoil that occurs by your hand will have their spirits uplifted if there is a plan of reparation in place.

Pre-Send Birthday/Anniversary Messages

Seriously, why try and juggle greeting card sending with the college football season?

Yes, do send your tidings of comfort and joy; but pre-purchase and write all the cards in August, put stamps upon them and leave yourself sticky notes on when to mail them.

Place them, in order, next to the TV and post them as self-instructed.

Suddenly, you are considerate, mindful and gracious; and you don’t miss the game!

Beverage Stockpile

Though you’ll no doubt have time on a weekly basis during the season to restock your beverage supply, it’s a good idea to have a separate stockpile somewhere else in your home.

This stockpile, refrigerated or not, is filled with items bought at a sale or fair price, which can be utilized in case of a liquid emergency.

Situations such as blizzards, quadruple overtime, surprise guests, dramatic swings in the top 25 or shocking and unanticipated improvement in your own team’s fortune are all conditions that could be well suited for the stockpile plan.

Make a 'Throwables' Plan

Back to throwing things around when the football goes sour; if you are a compulsive or chronic “thrower” then you might want to pre-plan in order to avoid excessive destruction.

The idea here is to set aside some stuff that you can slam, toss or hurl while minimizing damages.

An important note in planning objects of anger is to not go too “soft” and set yourself up to fail by virtue of allocating items that don’t give you any relief when you hurl them.

Basically, pillows and soft toys probably aren’t going to cut it if you get mad enough; therefore, hide the crystal and the good lamp and put out some figurines, smallish books and old stuff destined for the charity or garage-sale pile.

Wardrobe Review

Though most of us have some well-worn spirit wear that needs to be retired, this is not a directive to rid yourself of what works.

Yes, there is inherent value in NCAA wear that is tried and true, but why not add just a bit of “something new” to your college football wardrobe each season?

Again, this is all about being prepared; while you may not care what you wear on game day at home, what will you do when your phone rings one glorious day with free tickets on the other end of the line?

And, what friend, will you do when your squad suddenly makes the conference title game, the January bowl or the BCS?

Football comes at us fast, which makes the pre-purchase of a new jersey or some festive outerwear nothing short of sensible.

Review Message-Board Passwords

This preparatory step may seem wholly unimportant, but the truth is nearly every passionate and techno-savvy fan will have a moment this season where the issue of passwords will come into play.

Yes, at some point, whether after a huge defeat, a big win, a controversial call or an unexpected outcome, you’re going to jump on the Internet to read a slew of message boards where other fans are celebrating, whining or just flat-out talking crap.

And then some guy/gal, with only a username hide behind, will say something that will wind you up, make you laugh or cause you to slam your fist on the nearest solid item.

Then it’s inevitable, you’ll want to reply and if you haven’t prepared yourself for the moment you’ll be shuffling around in your contacts in a feverish attempt to remember or locate your password and/or username to XYZ.com.

By the time you find it, or remember it, you’ll likely have lost some of your fire or, if nothing else the moment will have passed and whoever riled you up will be offline and 64 subsequent posts will now separate his post and then one you wanted to submit.

Therefore, to avoid all this, go now and make sure you KNOW the passwords/usernames to the sites you visit regularly.

Stand ready, my friend.

Education Station

Here’s one initiative that could benefit the entire college football nation.

Yes, if more fans did their homework; reviewed some stats, digested conference changes, scanned schedules and did some quick fact checks, everyone would be the better for it.

The only thing worse than a guy/gal who is mouthing off about a critical college football issue that he obviously knows nothing about is being that guy/gal.

Knowledge is a separate issue from passion, but when fused delicately together, they are a beautiful, formidable and dangerous weapon.

And they benefit mankind.

Designated-Driver Plan

For some folks, college football and frothy lager, cocktails, frosty blender concoctions and shooters go hand in hand.

And honestly, there is nothing wrong with this sensual partnership so long as somebody is willing to be responsible.

If you stay at home with just the family, this obviously doesn’t apply, but if you are having people over, going to a bar, going to the game itself and you plan to drink, you should also plan to have a designated driver.

This is as critical as all the other training regime combined and could have them most lasting impact.

It’s never really fun when it’s your turn to be the valiant D.D., but when you are you’re truly transcending the college football fanbase and serving a larger populous.

The fairest approach, if you are a member of a fan group during the season, is a Rota whereby there is a different assigned safe and completely sober driver each (and every) game day.

Squats and Curls

Participating in the simple exercises known as squats and curls, which can realistically be done with or without actual fitness equipment, result in an almost endless array of direct benefits for your college football season.

Curls aid in the quest to successfully grapple with large drinks over a long span of time and they also help with little tasks such as recliner launch and snack consumption.

Squats prepare the enthusiasts to play the much-lauded “heavy lifter” on game day, which may include but is not limited to cooler transfers, keg delivery, beverage loading, outdoor fryer set-up, grease relocation, grill conveyance and yes, drunk-girl home delivery.