MLB Trade Scenarios: One Fictional Baseball Star Every Team Needs Most

MLB teams looking to acquire talent prior to the 2012 trade deadline must choose from a limited selection of real, active players.

How sweet would it be if that wasn't the case?

There are countless phenoms in the fictional world who would have immediate and long-term impacts in Major League Baseball.

I've brought 30 stars to the big leagues and matched them with clubs that need their contributions.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Clu Haywood (Major League)

The Arizona Diamondbacks offense thrives at Chase Field (.839 OPS), but doesn't pack a punch on the road (.690 OPS).

Before giving up on the 2012 season, the team should plug an extra slugger into the lineup.

Clu Haywood's defense is suspect, especially at third base (it's possible that he has never played there). Still, he provides an overall contribution that should relegate Willie Bloomquist and Ryan "Tatman" Roberts to reserve roles.

Atlanta Braves: Kenny Powers (Eastbound and Down)

Earlier in his career, hard-throwing Kenny Powers was known for his gaudy strikeout rate.

The Atlanta Braves are willing to take a risk on somebody with erratic fastball command. Their bridge to closer Craig Kimbrel isn't quite what it used to be, and Powers' swing-and-miss stuff fills a need.

Managing this personality shouldn't be a challenge for the organization that put up with John Rocker during his prime years.

Baltimore Orioles: Wolfgang (Hey Arnold!)

Despite low expectations, the Baltimore Orioles have remained in the thick of the American League wildcard race.

Reinforcements like Jason Hammel and Brian Roberts are likely to return before season's end to help them win games down the stretch.

They have the talent to qualify for October baseball, but lack confidence. That's understandable considering that the O's are 15 years removed from their most recent postseason appearance.

Wolfgang began puberty early and has grown into an imposing presence on the mound. Orioles teammates would be inspired by his past triumphs—granted, they were against fourth-graders—and stand a better chance at maintaining their high level of performance.

Boston Red Sox: Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)

Throughout an inconsistent 2012 campaign, local and national media have regularly reported about disharmony in the Boston Red Sox clubhouse.

New manager Bobby Valentine has been under a microscope since spring training, while slugger David Ortiz is pouring gasoline on the fire with his comments about contract negotiations and general unhappiness.

Acquiring pint-sized closer Henry Rowengartner could change the culture.

Though immature, this preteen throws a legitimate heater. His mantra—don't take the game too seriously—would hopefully strike a cord with these uptight underachievers.

Chicago Cubs: Ebby Calvin 'Nuke' LaLoosh (Bull Durham)

Trades of veteran starters Ryan Dempster and Matt Garza seem imminent. Once they're gone, the Chicago Cubs will need new, talented arms to plug into the rotation.

During this rebuilding process, the club is eager to add young players whose salaries will be team-controlled for awhile.

"Nuke" LaLoosh is a high-ceiling prospect who could be molded into an ace.

A big-league stint  in 2012 would serve as an invaluable learning experience.

Chicago White Sox: Carlos (The Benchwarmers)

Fortunately, the Chicago White Sox don't have any glaring holes on their big-league squad. Pursuing a versatile player like Carlos would be their best bet.

This Albert Pujols lookalike is as comfortable on the mound as he is in the batter's box.

The key is to ensure that he doesn't have access to alcohol during games.

Cincinnati Reds: Stan Ross (Mr. 3000)

With Joey Votto recuperating from arthroscopic surgery, the Cincinnati Reds are depleted of left-handed bats. Such imbalance puts Dusty Baker's team at a platoon disadvantage in most late-game situations.

Returning to Major League Baseball has humbled former All-Star Stan Ross. He wouldn't protest to coming off the bench.

Cleveland Indians: Henry Wiggen (The Southpaw, Bang the Drum Slowly)

On the other side of Ohio, the Cleveland Indians are similarly trying to create better matchups.

The only southpaws on their pitching staff are Tony Sipp (5.46 ERA) and Rafael Perez, who was just activated from the disabled list for the first time since late April. It's no coincidence that left-handed batters have thrived versus the Tribe with a combined OPS of nearly .800.

Using Henry Wiggen as a starter in place of Derek Lowe could lead to a turnaround.

Colorado Rockies: Joe "Calico" Castle (Calico Joe)

With their pitching in ruins, the Colorado Rockies have no choice but to out-slug all opponents.

Their light-hitting infield isn't suited for that strategy.

The Rockies only have a small sample size on which to evaluate rookie Joe "Calico" Castle, but what's not to love about 21 home runs in 38 games? They would consider starting him as a corner infielder, perhaps even in place of longtime first baseman Todd Helton.

Presently, the lineup isn't getting the job done.

Detroit Tigers: Alejandro 'Butch' Heddo (Rookie of the Year)

What an intimidator!

The Detroit Tigers boast baseball's best three-four duo (Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder), and Alejandro "Butch" Heddo would further strengthen the heart of the batting order.

Designated hitter Delmon Young has had a forgettable season, on and off the field. Heddo is also a free swinger, but at least he's more of a threat to go deep.

Houston Astros: Chester (Fairly OddParents)

"I wish Chester was the best baseball player in the world," Timmy Turner asked of his fairy godparents with his friend at the plate.

His request transformed a brace-faced loser into a one-boy wrecking crew.

After trading Carlos Lee and Brett Myers, the Houston Astros are nearly devoid of MLB talent. They need help everywhere.

Kansas City Royals: Roy Hobbs (The Natural)

Roy Hobbs is the next closest thing to a franchise savior.

His tremendous skills can carry a team to greatness.

He's particularly familiar with right field, where the Kansas City Royals start Jeff Francoeur, who's mired in a lengthy slump. Frenchy's defense has also been sub-par in 2012.

The Royals haven't tasted the playoffs in many years, but Hobbs could change their fortunes.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Jack Parkman (Major League II)

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim desire extra lineup depth. Following their four top-of-the-order hitters, rallies tend to cease.

Minimal production from catcher and DH has affected them, which is why Jack Parkman could make them more menacing.

He doesn't exactly have a "winning attitude," but there are some prominent Angels who may be able to fix his mindset.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Roger Dorn (Major League)

Roger Dorn is of the same ilk. He signed with his previous team for financial reasons, and his disinterest in playing detached him from the group.

Ideally, switching to the Los Angeles Dodgers would inspire him to make a stronger defensive effort, but just acquiring his bat would be a plus.

Manager Don Mattingly hasn't yet found a better alternative at third base.

Miami Marlins: Pedro Cerrano (Major League)

Only the Chicago Cubs and San Diego Padres score less frequently than the Miami Marlins. However, those teams aren't committed to winning immediately.

Simply put, the Fish have been disappointing.

Pedro Cerrano is susceptible to curveballs and definitely a bit loopy, but the spiritual outfielder hits for a ton of power.

Justin Ruggiano is showing his mortality more with each passing day, so Cerrano would get to see the field.

Milwaukee Brewers: Henry Skrimshander (The Art of Fielding)

The Milwaukee Brewers will have a gaping void to address if they fail to extend the contract of starting pitcher Zack Greinke.

For now, though, their focus must be on the shortstop position.

At the end of his turbulent collegiate career, Henry Skrimshander appeared to be regaining the peace of mind that allowed him to dominate during his junior year.

When he's right, the slender middle infielder never mishandles a ball.

Minnesota Twins: Ryan Dunne (Summer Catch)

Minnesota Twins pitching has been awful for two consecutive summers. The quality of the staff will continue to deteriorate—if that's possible—once Francisco Liriano is dealt to a contender.

The club can replace him with Ryan Dunne, another left-hander with potential.

Minnesota would really be on the right track if Dunne ever developed a consistent release point. In the absence of that, Liriano has battled through bouts of wildness and failed to earn the organization's trust.

New York Mets: Ricky 'Wild Thing' Vaughn (Major League)

If the New York Mets do not intend to add a shutdown reliever, they might as well sell at the trade deadline. Right now, their bullpen is a huge hindrance.

Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn is the sort of guy who will walk the bases full and proceed to strike out the side. Still, that's an improvement.

Also, the media and fans would fall in love with his quirkiness.

New York Yankees: Willie Mays Hayes (Major League)

Reports that outfielder Brett Gardner will undergo potentially season-ending elbow surgery makes this an obvious match.

Willie May Hayes (Omar Epps version) developed into a great all-around player. Even before his batting improved, Hayes always had the speed that the 2012 New York Yankees need.

When balls aren't reaching the seats, Hayes can ignite the offense with his aggressive baserunning.

Oakland Athletics: Dottie Hinson (A League of Their Own)

The low-budget Oakland Athletics are amid a special season, and the nation has barely noticed.

Adding a woman to their roster would be one way of drawing attention.

Of course, Dottie Hinson isn't your run-of-the-mill wannabe MLB player. She's a remarkable athlete who could beat out Derek Norris and Kurt Suzuki for a starting job!

With a backstop who can swing the bat, the A's would prove their legitimacy.

Philadelphia Phillies: Bobby Rayburn (The Fan)

The Philadelphia Phillies are preparing to part with center fielder Shane Victorino, either in the coming days or next offseason.

Triple-A prospect Domonic Brown is trying to learn the position, but he hasn't played an inning in the big leagues in 2012.

Former MVP Bobby Rayburn is certainly a qualified candidate to take over.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Benny 'the Jet' Rodriguez (The Sandlot)

Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez is a tall shortstop in the mold of Derek Jeter and Cal Ripken, Jr. He'll be an asset in the lineup.

At times, superstar Andrew McCutchen has not gotten any assistance from his fellow Pittsburgh Pirates.

The front office won't be able to sign many established teammates as McCutchen's salary rises. Investing in someone young seems like the wisest course of action.

San Diego Padres: Eddie Harris (Major League)

Petco Park is notoriously pitcher-friendly due to its dimensions and weather conditions. You don't have to miss bats to find success.

Even ageless veteran Eddie Harris could thrive in San Diego Padres home games.

As the team looks to compensate its left fielder and closer, according to Scott Miller of CBSSports.com, it can build a solid rotation out of scrap pieces.

San Francisco Giants: Lou Collins (Little Big League)

The San Francisco Giants have miraculously risen into first place despite negligible production from first base (and Tim Lincecum).

In his sophomore season, 24-year-old Brandon Belt has been totally unreliable. The organization remains loyal to him, but I doubt that would be the case if Lou Collins was available via trade.

While Belt is vulnerable against right-handed pitching, Collins feasts upon it.

Seattle Mariners: Rex 'T-Rex' Pennebaker (Mr. 3000)

Felix Hernandez is the lone All-Star-caliber player on the Seattle Mariners roster.

Ichiro Suzuki has steeply declined, and young regulars like Dustin Ackley and Jesus Montero haven't blossomed yet.

It's too late for the M's to salvage their 2012 season, but acquiring five-tool outfielder "T-Rex" Pennebaker before the deadline would brighten their future. He also brings swagger, which is something the team sorely lacks.

St. Louis Cardinals: Mel Clark (Angels in the Outfield)

The defending World Series champs are staring up at the Cincinnati Reds and Pittsburgh Pirates in a top-heavy NL Central division.

Their MLB-best run differential suggests that more wins are forthcoming, but they shouldn't remain idle.

Adding rotation depth with Mel Clark minimizes the loss of Chris Carpenter. Though Clark would just be a rental, his workhorse mentality would keep the incompetent St. Louis Cardinals bullpen from blowing leads.

Tampa Bay Rays: 'Crash' Davis (Bull Durham)

The Tampa Bay Rays would be a dangerous team down the stretch if they were to upgrade their personnel behind the plate. Neither Jose Lobaton nor Jose Molina are well-rounded players.

"Crash" Davis, however, is an established, power-hitting catcher.

Through many years in the minor leagues, he has learned to work with young pitchers, and Tampa Bay's starting staff is chock full of those.

Davis' volatile temper wouldn't cause problems in Joe Maddon's laid-back clubhouse.

Texas Rangers: Jack Elliot (Mr. Baseball)

The Texas Rangers are loaded and getting healthier by the day.

Their lineup has had trouble in recent weeks while first baseman Mitch Moreland missed time with a hamstring injury, but he is expected back before month's end.

Lefty-swinging Jack Elliot is similar to—though older than—Moreland. Elliot could inherit his responsibilities in case re-acclimation doesn't go smoothly.

Toronto Blue Jays: Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game)

Injuries have decimated the Toronto Blue Jays pitching staff in 2012. Even after acquiring David Carpenter, J.A. Happ and Brandon Lyon in a 10-player trade, they require another arm.

Veteran Billy Chapel is tired of pitching meaningless games late in the season, and he still has a nasty curveball.

Meanwhile, Toronto is within striking distance of both American League wildcard spots.

It seems like a sensible match.

Whatever innings the Jays squeeze out of his damaged arm would improve their chances of reaching the postseason.

Washington Nationals: Steve Nebraska (The Scout)

For the billionth time, Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo reiterated his plan to shut down Stephen Strasburg later this summer.

Fire-baller Steve Nebraska could fill the impending vacancy in the rotation.

When his mind is right, he can be utterly dominant.

The Nationals are likely playoff-bound, but they have few players with October experience. It just so happens that Nebraska pitched his finest game—a perfect, 27-strikeout performance—during the World Series.

This sort of fictional addition would put them in championship contention.

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