5 Bold Predictions for the Cole Hamels vs. Bryce Harper Beanball Rematch

Wednesday night, Cole Hamels and Bryce Harper face each other for the first time since the veteran left-hander plunked the rookie with the very first pitch of their nationally televised Sunday Night Baseball matchup. 

What will happen in the rematch? Will Hamels again try to intimidate the brash upstart? Will Harper dismiss the smug officer of baseball justice? 

Or will we just see a routine batter-vs.-pitcher confrontation, ending in a groundout, flyout, strikeout or base hit? That lacks some drama, doesn't it? 

Maybe these two are destined to do this forever (I'll let you decide who's Batman and who's the Joker in this scenario). If so, it will be because these five things occurred in the Hamels-Harper rematch. 

Hamels Plunks Harper Again

Hey, why not? Hamels wanted to take the rookie down a peg when he threw a fastball at Harper's back two weeks ago. Do it again and tell him, "Yeah, that's right. Again."

Maybe after he hits Harper with the pitch, Hamels can jump around like Rocky at the top of the Philadelphia Art Museum steps. Even better, Hamels could actually dash from the pitching mound at Citizens Bank Park to the museum with a parade of Phillies fans trailing behind him. What is that distance, like six miles? 

Or he could do something more low-key, like striking the same pose he took at a charity fashion show last August. 

But afterwards, Hamels really shouldn't admit he threw at Harper intentionally. That kind of honesty gets you suspended. Even if it's only like getting one start pushed back for a starting pitcher.

Harper Takes Hamels Deep

Trying to intimidate Harper by throwing at him didn't work for Hamels. So when they meet again Wednesday night, Hamels will instead try to throw the ball by him. See if the rookie can hit some of Hamels' heat.

But Harper will hit that fastball, maybe one that Hamels left a bit too high up in the strike zone, and take him out of the ballpark. 

That would render the score Harper 2, Hamels 0. Harper stole home plate on Hamels. The next step is to smack a home run off him. 

Hamels Strikes Harper Out Three Times

But after Harper gets his gimme from an overconfident Hamels, the lefty will learn his lesson. Maybe Hamels can't overpower Harper, but he can sure deceive him.

With everything else in his pitching arsenal, Hamels makes the rookie look foolish in the three other times they face each other on Wednesday.

Whether it's with his cutter, curveball, or that nasty changeup, Hamels has any number of ways to make Harper take a bad, flailing swing or buckle his knees. And that will be Harper's true "welcome to the major leagues" moment that Hamels was originally going for when he plunked Harper and started this overblown arch-rivalry. 

Hamels and Harper Settle the Score in Midair Collision

Before the first pitch, Hamels gets on a motorcycle in the left-field corner. Across the field, in the right-field corner, Harper revs up a bike of his own. 

When Ruben Amaro Jr. waves a flag in center field, the two combatants rocket toward each other. Hamels leans in to his handlebars and grits his teeth with determination. Harper just has the same look he always has on his face. 

Just before the two cycles collide, Hamels and Harper leap into the air and collide in midair. Boom! Just like in Mission: Impossible 2.

Hamels Gets Hooked Up to a Lie Detector

After hitting Harper two weeks ago, Hamels rather boldly admitted that it was no accident.

He meant to hit Harper in some silly attempt to harken back to the "old days" of baseball. You know, when pitchers hit batters all the time. No one ever got any hits. Batters just kept circling the bases with each successive plunk. They would later strike out when expecting to get hit, but the pitcher threw the ball over the plate. C'mon, man.

But Hamels apparently thinks we forgot about all that (these blog entries don't go away, man!). Now he's indulging in some revisionist history, telling USA Today's Bob Nightengale that it was "unintentional."

Maybe Hamels meant that he didn't mean for the plunking to become this thing that took over the baseball news cycle. Or that he didn't intend for Harper to go right back at him by progressing around the bases and stealing home.

So this thing gets settled, and our intelligence isn't insulted. As lineup cards are exchanged, a table and two chairs are set at home plate. Hamels is then administered a lie detector test. 

"Did you intentionally throw at the kid?" Hamels will be asked. If he says no, that needle will scrawl back and forth frantically, like a rogue windshield wiper. Hamels will begin sweating, and Davey Johnson will slam his hands on the table and scream, "I want the truth!"

OK, that may have gone on a bit too long. I just hope this post had the right number of movie references for you. If not, I can come back with more next time. 

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