The Return of WWE Random Thoughts: How to Fix the Product, Punk & 3 Hour Raws

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"How hard could it be to sell a fight between two men when they have plenty of fantastic source material to pick from on a daily basis? The WWE has this wonderful, unique platform for a story-telling medium that they sometimes forget about. Between introducing characters like Brodus Clay, Albert—I mean Lord Tensai and whatever the hell John Cena is at the moment and the perpetually terrible stories, heels and faces they try to sell us, it's dumbing-down a product that already doesn't need to be. As long as everything seems like a "shoot" to the public, then interest, gossip, rumors and ratings will skyrocket."

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Disclaimer: Put on a pot of coffee because you're about to read an actual, rather long article. There's not really any prize associated with reading the whole thing, but even if you crap out halfway or a couple sentences in I thank you for the "read" in advance.

Cue the "Return of Random Thoughts" theme music!

But before we get into the highly anticipated, much talked about return of my highly educational, very observant and 100-percent factually correct random thoughts, I thought I'd share with all of you an epiphany I had...

For those of you who don't know what an epiphany is, it's the moment in one's life when he or she has a "moment of clarity." A moment when the invisible light bulb above your head turns on. A moment when everything in the world makes sense, or at the bare minimum you solve the answer to a problem or question that plagued your mind. I had this exact moment when thinking about how to make the WWE product better.

Side Note: When I say "thinking" about it, what I really mean is that I was watching last Monday's terrible, cringe-inducing episode of Raw with a couple of friends of mine, and by "friends" I mean a bottle of red wine (don't worry, it's scientifically proven to be good for you), his buddy "cigar" and his cousin "sushi". I try to keep things classy when watching professional wrestling.

I'm still not sure who came up with this epiphany in the first place, my brain or my pal "red wine", but whoever did is freaking ingenious.

How can the WWE make their product better? Simple. Stop with all the "story lines" and just tell us the story we already know. Tell us what we all want to know more of anyway. Tell us the gritty, grimy, sleazy and politically fueled backstage stories. Tell us all about how things "work" behind the scenes, real feuds, with real people, real problems...just with fake, pre-determined solutions.

The WWE, especially in the year 2012, has an impossible war they continue to try to fight. This war? The war against the internet, people like me, people like you and all the so-called pundits, analysts, critics and rumor hoarders. The ones that spread gossip, spoilers and every detailed piece of information they can get their fingers on. It's nearly impossible for the WWE to keep a secret in this day and age, let alone stop themselves from spilling the beans all for the sake of drawing ratings. More on ratings later. 

Well, what do you mean "tell the story we already know"? Well, the WWE already gave us glimpses of this idea. We all remember last year when CM Punk's contract was supposed to run out. The WWE took general, everyday, public information and turned it into a story platform. Punk sold it perfectly along with McMahon and his co-star John Cena, which resurrected his career like starring in Pulp Fiction did for John Travolta. It also set fire to and changed the WWE landscape in the process. 

Everyone (fans) bought into this idea of blending reality with story telling. A new era—dubbed the "Reality Era"—had begun and excitement for the product was at an all-time high. Ratings rose along with interest, Punk became an overnight, bona-fide superstar and the company produced one of the greatest pay-per-views the fan base had seen in a long time with Money in the Bank. 

We also saw this idea manifest itself in the real-life love triangle that developed between Edge, Lita and Matt Hardy. That story provided real raw emotion that allowed the fans to choose a side rather than have the WWE force a villain and hero down our throats in the form of a "story". It provided a real feud, with real people...just with a fake, pre-determined solution. 

What if the WWE took this idea, but unleashed all of its potential? What if the WWE opened its lock box full of guarded secrets, backstage politics and personal grudges to everyone? What if the term "shoot promo" just became a common description of a normal promo? Why does the WWE in this day and age of the internet, all knowing fans and leaked spoilers on upcoming "feuds" still continue to tell us fabricated stories?

How hard could it be to sell a fight between two men when they have plenty of fantastic source material to pick from on a daily basis? The WWE has this wonderful, unique platform for a story-telling medium that they sometimes forget about. Between introducing characters like Brodus Clay, Albert—I mean Lord Tensai and whatever the hell John Cena is at the moment and the perpetually terrible stories, heels and faces they try to sell us, it's dumbing-down a product that already doesn't need to be. 

What if everyone gets along and there's not enough bad blood in the locker room to sell feuds? Then the WWE can lie their faces off to us and we'd all never know the difference. As long as everything seems like a "shoot" to the public, then interest, gossip, rumors and ratings will skyrocket.

While I agree that at the moment there's no need to build up the upcoming match between Punk and Daniel Bryan (fans of actual wrestling will want to watch this regardless), I can't wait to see what load of crap (by that I mean story) they try to sell us. We all know Punk and Bryan have been friends for a long time, came up through the trenches together and have a fond respect for each other, but that doesn't mean the "creative team" has to sell some fake, over-the-top grudge.

Friends fight all the time, have heated words with each other and don't always see eye to eye. All the "creative" team needs to do is allow them to air the dirty laundry accumulated throughout their years working together and it will make a compelling fight.

The WWE is going to have to adapt at some point with their story telling mechanics. Might as well tell us the personal, everyday backstage stories we read about all the time anyway, or at least fabricate them into some honest human drama. 

The WWE is experimenting with this now with the HHH/Lesnar feud, but they need to go all the way and allow Pauly H, Hunter and Lesnar to "shoot" each other to death. Let the backstage politics blur into the scripted ring. Don't tell me Hunter's arm is broken and show me ridiculous pictures of him in business meetings with a cast on. Don't add a "bone snapping" sound to footage that makes it look like Lesnar really broke his arm. Don't try to sell me on fake lawsuits unless they actually exist in the real world. Just allow me to watch these men hype a match as if it were real.

Because we all know that professional wrestling has scripted endings, but that doesn't mean the stories have to be scripted along with the outcome.

And now for some random thoughts... 

Random Thought No. 1

Speaking of keeping it real. Remember that whole Punk/Jericho feud where they brought Punk's family into the story? That certainty had an air of realness to it, but the WWE dumbed it down between the obviously fake bottle smashing, the hilariously awful text message and footage the WWE released (produced) of Punk at a bar and the over-the-top facial expressions Punk was forced to make for a month during the whole thing.

If Jericho mentioned Punk's family once while face-to-face in a heated promo, it would have stuck much more then dragging that concept out for a month with each "promo" being basically the same, boring thing.

Random Thought No. 2

Someone needs to explain to me why they took a microphone away from CM Punk all of a sudden.

Someone also needs to explain to me why or how Punk became an audience placating, fake-puking, wannabe comedian, super good guy. I love Punk and what he means and has done to my favorite product, but I don't need the "good-guys" to be boy scouts who slap high-fives and share lame jokes with little kids and the audience. Maybe the WWE wants/needs that, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this.

...I'm looking at you, Sheamus! It's amazing how quickly a wrestler loses all of his swagger and personality the moment he becomes a face.

Random Thought No. 3

Why do we even need heels and faces anymore? Shouldn't the WWE just let us decide who we like to cheer and who we like to boo? Some people are just not meant to be pigeon-holed or can't pull off the good or bad routine. 

This reminds me of a time in my life (7th grade) when I tried to be a real life "heel". I skipped classes, lied to my parents, stayed out late doing rebellious things with friends, purposely flunked social studies as a protest against stereotyping cultures and you know what happened? I got grounded, got detentions and basically realized I was a terrible heel. So I made the switch back to face.

Just because Orton gets cheered doesn't make him a "good-guy". He gets cheered because people respect him and his in-ring abilities and appreciate the amount of time he's spent trying to make this product relevant. Something tells me that Orton would be much more effective and have no problem acting like a jerk. Once again the WWE should sell us what we know and not what they want or think we know. Because we already know everything anyway!

If you make the characters real enough, people will naturally respond to them whether it's positive or negative. Imagine the feuds, matches and epic promos we could have if there was no longer a heel/face line separating everybody into groups. Everyone just cheered for the person they liked, respected or at the least tolerated more.

Random Thought No. 4

Ratings... 

(face palm)

Do you know that millions of people watch American Idol every week (I'm a Phil Phillips guy for the record) and only half that amount watch shows like Walking Dead, Mad Men,  or Game of Thrones. Does that make American Idol better TV programming? 

Of course not. The WWE should focus more on delivering a consistent quality product then tinkering with it each week in order to elicit more viewers. Ratings in wrestling only matter when you have competition.

Random Thought No. 5

If you're not watching Game of Thrones, then you're missing out on some of the best modern television ever produced. This got me thinking...

Who's in the Lanister family within the WWE? Definitely Johnny Ace, Kevin Nash and potentially Brock Lesnar. If you've never watched the show you can use deductive reasoning to determine that being a Lanister is not a good thing.

Jon Snow for king!

Random Thought No. 6

If you didn't know by the endless articles, news and gossip, by now you've probably heard that John Cena got divorced. Should it be used in a story line? I personally don't see why not. If two people are arguing and someone wants to go to the lowest common denominator in order to draw a reaction, then why shouldn't someone in a high-profile feud with Cena not bring it up?

Oh, wait, I forgot. We live in a highly PC, PG, everyone wins, baby-ears society at the moment. 

Random Thought No. 7

The "Yes!" chant might be one of the greatest things ever concocted by the WWE universe. You want to know what the worst is?

"What?"

I said do you want to know what the worst chant is?

"What?"

Are you freaking kidding me? I said do you want to... Oh, I see what you're doing here...

Random Thought No. 8

I think I got a little carried away with the whole "keep all feuds real" idea. Maybe we should just keep the high profile, pay-per-view selling, main event feuds that way. I do like some comedy, skits and characters in my WWE.

I got a good chuckle when Santino crashed into the ropes when attempting to dive through them. I laughed out loud when right before a well-timed commercial break Punk looked on in confusion and said, "You're supposed to go through the ropes.."

Just goes to show you how tough a juggling job it is to book wrestling events. You need a little of everything for everyone when you're trying to be basically a wrestling variety show, but then again maybe that's the problem.

Random Thought No. 9

I hope everyone semi-enjoyed the Single Man's Guide and Game to Finding Love as a WWE Fan. One of the greatest ideas about this whole article didn't even come from the article itself, but by a comment someone left on it... which has since been deleted probably due to insane breaches in copyright laws.

This commenter brought an amazing, million-dollar invention into the spotlight when he proposed that there should be a WWE dating.com website.

Going to an event alone because none of your "cool" friends watch wrestling? Log onto WWEdating.com and find singles in your area also going to the event! 

Tired of being judged for your pro wrestling passion? Log onto WWEdating.com and find someone who better suits your wants, needs and common likes!

Side Note: If I find out that someone created this site or something similar after reading this article, I'm going to be incredibly upset I just got Winklevossed out of a lucrative business venture.

Random Thought No. 10

So I guess it's officially official that Raw is going to expand to a three-hour "interactive" show. Glad to know I have DVR that will allow me to fast forward through what is bound to be endless amounts of crap and filler.

I'm sure it's going to be great initially, but it's pretty tough to keep people interested during three-hour movies, let alone a three-hour wrestling show. Especially if said show is every week.

My Friend: Guy, I couldn't even make it through the Godfather in one sitting! And that movie is a classic. How am I supposed to sit through a three-hour wrestling show? It's gonna take me at least until Wednesday to watch all of it! By then everything will be ruined when friends and the WWE itself post results on my freaking Facebook news feed.

I'll play ball with this idea if they remove an hour from Smackdown, because let's face it—they spend an hour of that show recapping Raw anyway. God forbid they actually add more time to Smackdown so they can recap everything from Raw! When would the madness end!

Random Thought No. 11

Yup, I love being a wrestling fan!