Obscure, Poorly-Dressed Golfer Makes Hilarious Boasts

Ever heard of Ian Poulter? Yeah, me neither. I watch a lot of golf, and I can’t say that this guy’s name ring much of a bell.

But he thinks he’s pretty special. A while back he made some comments comparing himself to Tiger Woods. In fact, those comments may be the only reason you’re aware of him—if you even are.

Here’s what he was quoted as saying several weeks ago:

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“The trouble is I don’t rate anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I really respect every professional golfer, but I know I haven’t played to my full potential and when that happens, it will be just me and Tiger.”

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Wow. That’s a bold statement. A very stupid, bold statement. And now he clarifies those comments by saying,

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“They weren’t asked a few months ago, they were three-years-old and so they were kind of dated. They weren’t really asked in a 10-minute proper interview situation as well. I was actually working at the time on the putting green trying to do my practice.”

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So, journalists, you’ve been put on notice. Ian has publicly stated the rules for talking to him. No interviews outside of the proper 10-minute interview situation. No quotes taken from things he says on the putting green.

Look, I’m going to level with you. The main reason for this post is that picture. I don’t really care what he said or when he said it. I mostly just wanted to show you this gold-lamay-wearing weirdo’s penchant for Vegas Showgirl outfits. All this business about his comparing himself to Tiger Woods and then backtracking on those quotes… that’s all just a smokescreen… just an excuse to make fun of Ian’s attire. I can’t tell if this guy is trying to blind other players or if he just stumbled into Goodwill on Drag Queen Day. I mean, look at that shirt!

Let’s zoom in and take a closer look at those pant-legs too, shall we?

What in the world is going on here? Are those flamenco dancing pants? Or ice dancing pants? What’s with the Bedazzler jewels, Ian? I can’t tell if you’re lining up the putt or getting ready for a triple sow-cow.

And people thought Payne Stewart dressed funny—rest his soul. This Poulter guy is the whole package, from head to toe.

I’m not inclined to take seriously anyone that dresses like Barbarella. I don’t really care what the quote is. And the frosty blonde locks on the spiky hair are like the icing on this questionably-dressed cake.

So I looked up Ian Poulter to see if there was anything about his career that might explain why he was so boastful. And you know what? He tied for 17th in that recent match play tournament that Tiger Woods totally dominated. Good for him. Tied for 17th. Hey, that’s better than I ever finished in a PGA event.

Let me ask you this, though: Did they dock him any strokes for that gold shirt? Because it’s been a while since I had the PGA rule book memorized, but I swear I remember a “dressing like a girl” clause. Maybe not.

Ian has been on the tour since 1995, and his career earnings are $4,256,557.

All I have to say about that is: the dude can definitely afford some better shirts. Maybe something made of mesh, or with the sleeves ripped off….something nice and manly.

Okay, seriously, how is it possible for a golfer to make that much money and most of us have never heard of him? Geez. I need to get on the PGA tour. How hard can it be? You never know, I may be one dye job at Great Clips away from golfing greatness and one shopping spree on the clearance rack at Rave away from my outlandish statements on Tiger Woods getting national media attention. And Lord knows I’ve made plenty of outlandish statements about Tiger Woods.

Alright. I’m done. I’ve had my fun. Probably went a bit overboard. But, hey, it’s not every day an obscure drag queen golfer makes hilarious boasts and gives me so much comedy fodder. Sergio Garcia could show up to the Masters in a chicken costume and he would look less ridiculous than this guy.