Mocking the 2012 NFL Draft with Les Miles

According to the NFL Network and Rich Eisen’s very own Twitter feed, Les Miles will be your feature entertainment for this year's NFL draft. This, of course, is wonderful news because there is not a human being alive that could possibly be opposed to more Les Miles in any forum or capacity.

Although details are still circulating, Miles, Eisen and Mike Mayock are clearly the most fascinating television draft option available and will provide you with instant results and feedback regarding each pick on the NFL Network. Miles would be the best option if he was videotaped reading the Portuguese dictionary, which says quite a bit about his entertainment value as well as the competition at hand.

Using Bleacher Report’s very own Matt Miller—a must-follow in the month of April, I might add—I’ve anticipated the appropriate Les Miles commentary based off Miller’s latest NFL mock draft.

1. Indianapolis: Andrew Luck (QB, Stanford)

Les Analysis: “Really a no-brainer first pick, if you ask me, especially if he brings back that beard. I grew a beard once. It itched badly, though so I shaved it off using a pocket knife and a can of molasses.”

2. Washington: Robert Griffin III (QB, Baylor)

Les Analysis: “I love his arm, and you have to love what he can do with his feet. Speaking of feet, how about his Elmo socks he wore? Says a lot about this man’s character, if you ask me. Man, do I miss Sesame Street."

3. Minnesota: Matt Kalil (OT, USC)

Les Analysis: “A cornerstone left tackle is key in the rebuilding process. Plus, his last name spelled backwards is ‘Lilak,’ which is what my sensei nicknamed me when I got my blue belt in karate."

4. Cleveland: Morris Claiborne (CB, LSU)

Les Analysis: “I watched this young man grow to become the best cover corner in college football. I’m thrilled for him and his family. Now, does anyone have a tissue I can borrow because Mr. Mayock will no longer let me cry into his suit jacket?”

5. Tampa Bay: Trent Richardson (RB, Alabama)

Les Analysis: “What a force, and what a steal for Tampa Bay. I made Trent get an MRI in front of our team doctors in 2010 because their was rampant speculation that he was made of Adamantium.”

6. St. Louis: Justin Blackmon (WR, Oklahoma St.)

Les Analysis: “This guy catches everything you throw at him. I could throw a New York hot dog at him from a nearby stand, and I guarantee you he could catch with one hand or in his mouth. Be right back; I’m starving.”

7. Jacksonville: Quntion Coples (DE, UNC)

Les Analysis: “The perfect 4-3 defensive end and a guy will cause havoc coming around the ends. Needless to say, teams will have to 'cope' with Mr. Coples for many years to come. Get it, guys? It’s a play on words.”

8. Miami: Ryan Tannehill (QB, Texas A&M)

Les Analysis: “Impressive rise by Ryan considering he’s had that broken foot and all. And if this whole quarterbacking thing doesn’t work out for the Dolphins, he’ll still be a better wide receiver than Ted Ginn, Jr. What do you mean I can’t say that?”

9. Carolina: Michael Brockers (DT, LSU)

Les Analysis: “Two LSU players in the top 10. I’m a proud poppa right now, and I couldn’t be happier for Michael. What a talent, what a large man. I’m going to have him toss me in the air for a few hours to celebrate.”

10. Buffalo: Riley Reiff (OT, Iowa)

Les Analysis: “Iowa seems to put out linemen in the top 10 each year in the draft. It’s actually pretty incredible. Who knew that corn was the secret ingredient in producing talented, large men? Plan to start mixing it in our Gatorade.”

11. Kansas City: David DeCastro (OG, Stanford)

Les Analysis: “It’s fantastic to see a guard sneak his way into the top 12, and DeCastro has 'Pro Bowl' written all over him. Speaking of 'guard,' does anyone have Jeremy Lin’s phone number? I’ve love to sleep on that infamous couch. This is exhausting.”

12. Seattle: Luke Kuechly (LB, Boston College)

Les Analysis: “Tackling machine and a one-man wrecking crew. The only problem I envision with this young man is that last name, which is actually pronounced ‘Cool Luke’ I’m told by this random iPhone app. A name of ‘Luke Cool Luke’ is pretty majestic. No problems on my end.”

13. Arizona: Nick Perry (OLB, USC)

Les Analysis: “I wasn’t paying attention. Sorry. Anyone want a bite of this sandwich?”

14. Dallas: Melvin Ingram (OLB, South Carolina)

Les Analysis: “Melvin seems to score a touchdown every time he gets his hands on the call. The problem, however, is that defensive players don’t touch the ball much. It would be a disservice to this young man’s ability not to play him in the Wildcat every three plays or so.”

15. Philadelphia: Dontari Poe (DT, Memphis)

Les Analysis: “A big boy with wheels is hard to find, believe me. And anyone that shares the same last name as such a successful songwriter is worthy of a lengthy look in my humble opinion.”

16. New York (AFC): Michael Floyd (WR, Notre Dame)

Les Analysis: “I know many will point to off-the-field questions, but no one doubts that this kid can be one hell of a player on the next level. My off-the-field activities include Celine Dion and replica ship building. Sometimes together. Don’t judge us.”

17. Cincinnati: Kendall Wright (WR, Baylor)

Les Analysis: “It didn’t hurt that he played with Robert Griffin III, but this little guy has plenty of skills. Speaking of ‘right,’ has anyone seen Drew Carey these days? He was much more pleasant as a fat guy.”

18. San Diego: Stephon Gilmore (CB, South Carolina)

Les Analysis: “Really an underrated prospect in this year’s draft, if you ask me, and a steal for San Diego this late. Reminds a lot of Gilmore Girls, one of the true life-altering television programs of our time. Man, the emotion.”

19. Chicago: Coby Fleener (TE, Stanford)

Les Analysis: “How good is this guy’s last name? Fleener? Is that real? That’s what I’m callin’ Mayock for the rest of the show. Ha. Fleener. Rhymes with...”

20. Tennessee: Alshon Jeffery (WR, South Carolina)

Les Analysis: “Really special player with underrated ability. Imagine what he’ll be when he has a talented quarterback throwing to him. I’m not sure that’ll happen in Tennessee, but you can still imagine.”

21. Cincinnati: Dre Kirkpatrick (CB, Alabama)

Les Analysis: “Forget the off-the-field issues. Cincinnati’s getting itself an absolute player. We’ve all had our fair share of issues with grass. Hell, I was going to pop in a little Bermuda during the next commercial break.”

22. Cleveland: Lamar Miller (RB, Miami)

Les Analysis: “One of my favorite talents in this year’s draft, and Miller could be a feature back for a long time in Cleveland. It’s Miller time indeed! Anyone want an extra beer? I snuck a few in with my backpack.” 

23. Detroit: Cordy Glenn (OG, Georgia)

Les Analysis: “Nice pick, although I thought Detroit might have gone defense on this pick. Feel like Cordy would be a pretty good name for a pet hamster. I left mine at home, unfortunately. Miss you, Mr. Furry Antlers.”

24. Pittsburgh: Courtney Upshaw (OLB, Alabama)

Les Analysis: “He’s 280 pounds, and you better not try and run the read option to his side. Still, I feel like his girlish first name really hurt his draft stock. I don’t care about names. In fact, I’d happily recruit someone named 'Squid' or 'Cold Play.' In fact, I'd recruit 'em even harder.” 

25. Denver: Fletcher Cox (DT, Mississippi St.)

Les Analysis: “Man, what time is it? I’m filling in for one of the Blue Man Group guys for the late show and this is taking forever.”

26. Houston: Stephen Hill (WR, Georgia Tech)

Les Analysis SUSPENDED: [Miles leaves NFL draft to do quick cameo for Blue Man Group. He returns shortly after the 27th pick sweating, with some blue paint still on his ears.]

27. New England: Andrew Branch (OLB, Clemson)

Les Analysis: “The Patriots defense needs work, and this young man should fit nicely in that 3-4 scheme. He’ll somehow end up catching seven touchdowns for them next year, and there’s not a damn thing we can do to stop it.”

28. Green Bay: Whitney Mercilus (OLB, Illinois)

Les Analysis: “Really nice pick and late value for a guy that should bolster and already impressive pass rush. Plus, now Green Bay can begin printing its ‘Lord have Mercilus!‘ T-shirts, which is also a nice perk.”

29. Baltimore: Dont’a Hightower (ILB, Alabama)

Les Analysis: “Ray Lewis and Dont’a Hightower playing side by side? Not a bad combination for at least next year, and not a bad guy to take the torch once Lewis has retired. OK, no more Alabama guys, please.”

30. San Francisco: Peter Konz (OG, Wisconsin)

Les Analysis: “Two guards in the first round? How ‘bout it, guys? Like this pick for San Francisco, and I really like the head coach. Ol’ Jim Harbaugh and I once wrestled a pack of wild boars together for money. Oh, Tijuana.”

31. New England: Kendall Reyes (DE, UConn)

Les Analysis: “Wait, didn’t they already pick? My goodness. Bill Belichick is so good he can literally steal other people’s draft picks. I don’t know much about this kid Reyes, but I do know he’s a steal when you're able to magically reappear in the first round."

32. New York (NFC): Mike Adams (OT, Ohio St.)

Les Analysis: “We’re done? We’re finally done. Oh, thank goodness. It’s been a real pleasure being here with you guys. If you’ll excuse me, I have to be going now.”

Les Miles pulls a cord attached to his suit jacket, which activates a hidden jet pack. He immediately shoots upward, crashing directly into the ceiling. After doing a quick set of pull-ups on a bar near the ceiling, he is able to pull himself to safety on an above catwalk. He does a few more sets of high-risk pull-ups before walking out the front door 30 minutes later wearing a fake mustache he somehow acquired.