Bulletproof Tiger Woods Cures Cancer, Wins Another Golf Tournament

Tiger Woods won another golf tournament.

I know….shocking.

In other news, a few people are running for President, gasoline is expensive, and there might be a steroid problem in professional sports. 

Welcome to The News of the Obvious. 

Writing headlines about Tiger Woods winning a golf tournament is one of the most monotonous things around. They should have automated software that writes them for you like a mad-lib. 

You plug in the name of the course he was playing, the name of his opponent, and the name of the tournament, and then the computer spits out an entire news article. 

Tiger’s even winning tournaments he hasn’t even entered. He won the LPGA’s Fields Open in Hawaii this weekend. Bet you didn’t know that. 

This is already the year of Tiger, and we’re not even two months in. He’s won six of his last seven PGA events, and has won three straight tournaments. He has only one three-putt this entire year. Just one. 

I’m lucky if I have only one three-putt per hole. 

Woods defeated Stewart Cink yesterday in the Accenture Match Play Championship. He didn’t even need all the holes allotted to him. He won in only 29 of the scheduled 36 holes. (In match play—an alternate scoring method—players are scored on how many holes they win instead of their total number of strokes. Woods was up by eight with seven holes left, thus the tournament was ended early.)

Tiger birdied 14 of those 29 holes. 

That’s one birdie for every two holes.  That’s an average of nine-under per round. 

Also, in between the first and second rounds yesterday, Woods hopped a plane to Iran and talked them out of pursuing their nuclear program. Sweet!

He really can do everything. 

If you’re sick of Tiger Woods news…you should seriously cut yourself off from the outside world.  Rent a cabin in Montana, pack lots of jerky and canned goods, and wait this thing out for another decade or two. You can live off the fat of the land. 

He’s so good right now that even outrageous exaggeration and hyperbole fall far short of doing it justice. 

He is…plain and simple…a superior human being. He is the future of the human race. All Chuck Norris jokes should henceforth be converted to Tiger Woods jokes: His bogeys cure cancer….too bad he never bogeys. 

Tiger has won 13 majors (five short of Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18) and a total of 63 tournaments. The record for most tournaments won in a career belongs to Sam Snead, and he won 82. Woods, at 32, will shatter every golf record in existence.

Is there anyone who seriously thinks he won’t have 30 majors and over 100 tournaments by the time he’s done? Because if there is, then that person isn’t paying attention. 

Woods is merely continuing what has all the makings of the best season of golf by a single player ever. If I were you, I’d start making plans to view the Masters right now. Tiger’s going to win by 45 strokes. Mark my words.