Super Bowl Parties: Breaking Down the Usual Suspects at Every Big-Game Soiree

You can fumigate, spray the front lawn in pesticides and put up a warning sign out front, but the same exact cast of characters that come to every Super Bowl party will show up on Sunday, and they are bringing friends. 

I feel for you brave few that are planing to host a Super Bowl party. You are, in a sense, treating a cavalcade of clowns to come in and rule over your proud home for a few ridiculous hours. 

It sounds like a grand idea, but you are fooling yourselves. The beer bottles will be strewn about, half-eaten buns will sit on the front lawn and at least one straggler will still be napping on the couch well after the big game has ended—we will get to him. 

As always, it is far better to attend a party than host one. But as long as you are sold on the idea, you better acquaint yourself with the usual suspects that will be crashing on your couch. 

The Gambler

The only thing that perks this guy up are coin flips and prop bets. If there are going to be Super Bowl squares, he will be the first one collecting money. Oh, and he is, "like, so in 14 Super Bowl pools at work." You want the over/under on Puppy Bowl action? He is your man. 

Whoopsie Daisy

Whoopsie Daisy can be a man or woman, as all these characters can, and more than likely he is the drunkest dude at the party. That wedding gift from your parents that is on your shelf? He will break it. Future mustard stains can be traced back to him. 

Here for the Chicks

As if a party dedicated to swilling beer and force feeding your face is the perfect place to get chicks. This guy doesn't understand that in three hours we will all be looking for the first place to relieve pent up gas situations. 

The Charity Case

This guy comes in without a cent to his name. He can't pitch in on pizza, failed to bring beer and will at some point get into a brief fight with "The Gambler." In fact, who invited this dude?

Rewind Guy

There is a time and place to rewind every last cute commercial and epic play, and it's not with 25 people in the room, all with a differing opinion on what is worthy of the rewind button. 

There will be "Rewind Guy" in the corner who will lame up the proceedings at some point with, "dude, Vince Wilfork jumped, rewind it." No, Vince Wilfork has never jumped on anything but a pizza in his life, and we are watching this live. 

Super Mega Ultra Fan

The dude screaming at you about those silly bandwagon fans is wearing a Tom Brady replica, and he bought it on the way over. 

Commercial Expert

Yeah, man. I know that commercial was leaked on Monday. And yeah, I know that probably cost millions and was an utter waste. Oh, and yeah, I'm tired of hearing you—can I please watch TV? This is the one time that I would like to watch ads and I have to listen to this idiot. 

The Snot-Nosed Kid

Lastly, we come to the one child that is in the house. Being the lone kid that has to rub elbow with adults that are getting sloshed on beer and Doritos can bore things up nicely.

He will somehow take a liking to you and at some point get boogers and/or YooHoo on that Brady replica you walked in with.

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