Tebows: Measuring Your World in the New Imperial Unit

No rational human being would accuse Tim Tebow of being the gold standard of quarterbacks, and yet he may be the most popular player in the NFL today. His demeanor and style of play transcend the game of football, and they almost defy comparison.

Or do they?

I'm reminded of the monarchs of old who were not only the spiritual leaders of their realms, but whose very bodies served as the units of measurement for commerce in their lands. Do I think of our Denver Broncos quarterback as kingly? Or have I been watching The Lord of the Rings too many times? You can't make me answer that.

Since we can't really quantify what effect Tebow has on this world, maybe we can quantify everything else through units of Tebow. Or maybe we can't. Forget it. We're going to anyway. Prepare to look at your world as evaluated in Tebows (T). Now brace yourself, because here comes the math.

Tim Tebow = One Tebow (1 T)

I felt compelled to lead off with something obvious: Tebow earned $1.618 million in base salary for 2011, along with a $6.275 million bonus, according to one report. He also earned a $250,000 incentive bonus for winning against the Steelers Sunday.

For their money, the Broncos got 1,729 passing yards from Tebow with 12 touchdown passes against six interceptions in the 2011 regular season, along with a tsunami of national media coverage and jersey sales. Imagine how crazy the world would be if he could actually hit a receiver on a crossing route.

Aaron Rodgers = 5.328 Tebows

Aaron Rodgers threw 45 touchdowns against only six picks and would have been the NFL's undisputed MVP had he not cooled off as Drew Brees was hitting his December stride and breaking Dan Marino's single-season passing record.

For the record, we have Drew Brees valued at 5.189 Tebows, due to his age and inability to play well outside, an attribute considered important in the game of football.

Colt McCoy = 0.418 Tebows

McCoy only threw for 2,733 yards and missed the last two games of the season due to a controversial head injury. He and the Cleveland Browns have been awful; McCoy only won four games all season. Worse than that, he has to play for Cleveland again next year.

The Jacksonville Jaguars Franchise = 4,789 Tebows

We could also write this as 4.789 kiloTebows (kT).

Thanks to a passive fanbase, weak TV market and ironclad stadium lease, the Jaguars might be the least valuable franchise in the entire NFL. I valuate the Dallas Cowboys as the NFL's most valuable team, at 9.187 kT. Suck it, Forbes.

2012 Porsche Boxster = 0.06 Tebows

The renowned German automaker released the first Boxster, whose name is a portmanteau of "boxer" and "roadster," in 1996. This car probably throws a tighter spiral than Tim Tebow.

The U.S. National Debt = 11,381 KiloTebows

We could also write this as 11.381 megaTebows, or as 0.011381 gigaTebows.

Your Own Island in the Bahamas = 16,387.2 MegaTebows

Don't forget to bring your sunblock and a trigger-happy militia. Small-scale nation-building is tricky business.

A Night with Adult Film Star Tori Black = 2 Tebows

This valuation would probably rise to five Tebows if you wanted to...well, you know.

Last Night's BCS Title Game = 0.000000000001 Tebows

Because seriously, that game sucked.