Wrestling's Most Ridiculously Short and Transparent "Retirements"

There are some things that are certain in life. Taxes. Death. Oh, and you can never, ever trust a pro wrestler's retirement stipulation.

Hey, as loyal fans, we would love to believe in stipulations—we really would. But we've been let down too many times.

We cried along with the weepy retirement speech, sang along with the sickly sweet music videos ("Leave the memories alooooooooone!"), bought the memorial tour T-shirt and bade our heroes a fond farewell, but these guys just keep letting us down and coming back the first chance they get, time after time again.

No wonder we have no faith left.

It's gotten to so bad than even when someone does genuinely retire and intend to stay away from the business, like Shawn Michaels at last year's WrestleMania, we don't really buy it and think he will be back soon enough.

Of course, some retirements are more of a farce than others. Hey, we know wrestling retirements are largely a joke, but these guys are pushing it.

So with this in mind, here are the most short and transparent retirements in wrestling history... 

Mick Foley

At WWE's No Way Out event in 2000, beloved underdog babyface Mick Foley lost an incredibly brutal and bloody Hell in a Cell match to hated foe Triple H and, per the stipulations of the bout, had to retire from in-ring competition. Which he did. For, like, four weeks.

Yes, in the storylines, WWE CEO Linda McMahon convinced her good friend Mick to return for one more match at that year's Wrestlemania to take on Triple H, The Big Show and The Rock in the main event. The entire idea behind the match was a "McMahon in every corner," and Foley was given the nod to be Linda's guy.

Even by wrestling standards. a four week retirement was laughable and a complete slap in the face to fans who had spent their hard-earned money on the No Way Out pay-per-view in good faith. 

For his part, Foley went into several lengthy explanations later on in his autobiographies about coming back so fast (essentially, it was a combination of contractual issues and the payday being too good to pass up), although this did little to assuage the disgruntled fans.

While Foley stayed away from a full-time schedule after 2000's Wrestlemania (in his physical condition he probably couldn't handle it, anyway) he has nonetheless continued to wrestle sporadically for both WWE and TNA in the year's since, with mixed in-ring results: while he had a cracking hardcore bout with Randy Orton at Backlash 2004 which made Orton a star, his TNA matches were usually awful. 

Kurt Angle

In the wacky world of TNA, short-lived retirements are commonplace. Erratic head booker Vince Russo thinks nothing of throwing out stipulations at every available opportunity in order to grab and hold fan attention. Of course, he's done it so many times these stipulations have now been rendered meaningless and no-one takes stips or retirements on iMPACT remotely seriously anymore. 

Although, even by Russo's crazy standards, Against All Odds 2011 was a calamity. After some outside shenanigans, Kurt had lost to frequent foe Jeff Jarrett in a singles match, meaning he failed to gain custody of his two children, Keira and Kody, from his ex-wife Karen Jarrett per the match stipulation (eh, what can I say? It's TNA).

After Jarrett and the devious Karen quickly left in celebration after the match, and a despondent Kurt was then left alone in the ring to soak of up the comforting cheers of the grateful fans in iMPACT Zone.

Perplexedly,Angle then proceeded to take off his wrestling boots and leave them in the ring, a sure sign of retirement. It was also a move that got everyone, from fans to journalists, talking. Was Kurt done as an active performance?Was this the beginning of some sort of storyline? 

Ultimately, despite the speculation, nothing ever came of this retirement angle. Angle was back wrestling on iMPACT just a few days later and it was never mentioned again.

Terry Funk

Ah, since none of Terry's retirement seem to last long. it's actually difficult to pick the worst offender. He first retired in 1983 (he returned in 1984) and has retired countless so many times since then it has become a running joke in pro-wrestling.

Poor Terry, he just can't let the business go. 

Ric Flair

One thing is for sure: in the spring of 2008, legendary wrestler Ric Flair was given one of the best retirements ever from WWE, the promotion he worked for at the time.

Happily, Ric got to bow out in an incredibly match with Shawn Michaels at that year's Wrestlemania (with a weepy HBK even being seen mouthing "I'm sorry, I love you" before delivering the match ending Sweet Chin Music) and was graced with a wonderfully moving retirement ceremony on the following evening's Raw, which saw wrestlers from both brands,led by Flair's long-time friend Triple H, come out to the ring to applauded and hug Ric during his touching goodbye speech. Many, like Randy Orton and The Big Show, were seen weeping openly.

And, of course, that song. Who can forget that song? "Leave the Memories Alone" by US rock band Fuel has now become the iconic "Goodbye"song in wrestling. It's moving. It's memorable. It's annoying catchy. It's also the only Fuel song I know of.

"Leave the Memories Alone" has now become so well-known, even comedian Zack Ryder hilariously spoofed it on his web show when he wrote out John Morrison.

Alas, in the end, Ric couldn't "Leave the memories alone" and returned for a street brawl (but not an actual match, as WWE was careful to advertise) with Randy Orton on Raw a few months later.

A year later a combination of financial concerns and a wish to stay in the limelight convinced him to sign with America's No.2 wrestling company as a manager and occasional wrestler, TNA, where he has languished ever since. At his age and state Ric really should not be wrestling, but being Ric Flair he will undoubtedly continue to. 

That his matches with Sting, Hogan and others have been unbearably awful and a blemish on his great legacy only serves to rub salt in the wounds. Why ruin the best retirement in wrestling ever...for this?

Interestingly, the closing lyrics of Fuel's now infamous lyrics "You will never change, you'll never change.,." seem more sadly prophetic now than ever.

Sting in TNA

Since joining TNA in 2005 poor Steve Borden has tried to retire so many times, but it just never sticks. He originally vowed to retire in 2006, citing a wish to bow out on top, but that dastardly heel Jeff Jarrett messing with around with his family put an end to that and he stucked around for revenge.

He then spent the next few years expressing a wish to retire, and has even lost a retirement match or two, but it never matters and he keeps coming back, even with his failing health and badly injured shoulder. I guess turning down those big, juicy contracts is just too darn hard.

Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan's claim he wanted to retire for good on iMPACT of September of this year was a complete sham and farce of course, just like all the others have been. But, credit to TNA, at least they designed it to be that way in the storyline.

Regrettably for Hogan, his mischievous foe Sting (who, as noted in the previous slide, knows a thing or two about fake retirements himself)  secretly taped Hogan backstage boasting to close friend Bischoff about his evil plan to fake retire in a bid garner all the money from a retirement tour from all the gulliable fans. 

Man, Hulk was so mad about this, he even blurted out that he agreed to a match with Sting at Bound For Glory that would give the power back to Dixie Carer if Hulk lost (this ultimately led to him turning face at the pay-ver-view in front of a bunch of overjoyed Hulkamaniacs).