Its soon Super Bowl Sunday, the closest we get to Saturnalia, and the party for the pretty people in South Beach has already begun.
It's a national holiday and a time of excess.
Crazy folks with too much money are dropping 3.1 million for thirty seconds of television time so why not have fun with it?
So if your sitting in a seedy bar or at a slick party Super Bowl Sunday may I suggest some drinking games to pass the time?
After all a recent study said that football games only have elven minutes of actual action in them so some fun filler is often desperately needed or fans risk drowning in the endless flow of Brett Favre and Tim Tebow hype.
So let hell raiser Oliver Reed ring the beer bell and let the games begin.
Drink if Carrie Underwood does a Janet Jackson flash during the National Anthem.
Drink if Colts owner Jim Irsay reads from his original copy of On the Road or quotes his pal Hunter Thompson:"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Drink at every Brett Favre mention, drink a double if the Favrer is foaming and frothing about Favre.
Drink at every non 3.1 million dollar paid appearance or mention of Tim Tebow. Drink every time someone says who will draft Tim Tebow?
Drink at every Archie Manning sighting. Drink a double if ye see the shade of Johnny Unitas warming up on the sidelines.
Drink a triple if Eli Manning is smashed and acting stupid on the side-lines or on South Beach.
Drink at every "they are the best ever mention of Manning or Favre."
Drink if a Bengal is getting arrested in the stadium parking lot. Drink double if he has under-aged girls, unlicensed weapons, or illegal drugs with him. Drink a triple if he has all three.
Drink every time a quarterback gets hit and no flag is thrown.
Drink every time a referee is run over like an aging wilder-beast.
Drink every time Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders laugh long and loud at their jokes.
Drink if you see Ditka. Buy Ditka a drink if he is sitting next to you. Buy Ditka two if he is choking you because he just dropped fifty grand on the over.
Drink if Tom Benson dances. Drink a double if he salsas. Drink a triple if he belly dances.
Drink if any animal is drinking alcohol during the game or during a commercial.
Drink to any Super week arrested player, coach, cheerleader or owner. Drink a double if the Manning Brothers and old Archie are arrested after a vicious 4 Am bar fight with a group mean eyed, whiskey drunk Cajuns and James Carville.
Drink every time a drunk is shown screaming on Bourbon Street. Drink a double if its Tiger Woods and three hookers. Drink a triple if Ignatius J. Reilly, Britney Spears, and Deanna Favre are with them.
Drink if a madly smiling Bruce Dern is in his Black Sunday blimp over the stadium.
Drink if, at long last, Terry Bradshaw goes berserk and beats the behemoth Howie Long badly with a baseball bat.
Drink if long time Saints fan the vampire Lestat is in the stands. Drink if the even creepier Tom Cruise is with him.
Drink if Obama and Congressional leaders appear at halftime and declare National Beat a Banker Day when citizens, for a small fee, are allowed to give a banker a beating.
Drink every time they play When the Saints Go marching In. Drink a double if they play Johnny Horton's Battle of New Orleans.
Drink if Sean Payton is dressed as the pirate Jean LaFitte.
Drink at every mention or appearance of the Baltimore Colts. Drink double if any old Baltimore Colt Super Bowl clip is shown. Drink and shout Fatso! if you see Fatso Donovan.
Drink if Joe Namath is necking with a sideline reporter. Drink a double if its the Goose Siragusa he is making out with and they are wearing ManCrunch.com hats.
Drink every-time a high paid sideline reporter states the obvious like "They did not want to turn the ball over" or "These guys are big." or "They did not want to give up a big play or they want to make a big play."
Drink at any mention of a season without a salary cap or revenue problems by millionaire players, billionaire owners, or Senator son NFL Commissioners.
Drink if Phil Simms mentions that the only quarterback to take the Saints to the Super Bowl was Charlton Heston as Cat Catlan in 1969's Number One.
Drink at the appearance of any talking animal, alien, or Kardashian.
Drink at every act of violence on a TV commercial or in the stadium. Drink a double if a weapon is discharged, someone is shot or blown up, or an explosion occurs during a commercial.
Drink every time Jeremy Shockey acts like the frontal lobotomy was a success.
Drink if they show Kim Kardashian's armored car. Drink a double if a M-60 is mounted on it to keep the unwashed Miami masses at bay.
Drink if any NBA player is packing heat in the stadium. Drink a double if he is waving his piece, drink a triple if he is firing it.
Drink a Cuba libre at any Cuba libre sign or shout. Drink a double if The Beard is at the big game.
Drink if you hear Born on the Bayou or Arcadian Driftwood.
Drink every time a player thanks the Lord for personally taking the time from his busy day to gift him with a first down, field goal, sack, touch down, or tackle. Drink a double if someone thanks Odin, Thor, Zeus, Athena, Ares, or Nero's Neptune.
Drink at every pillaging Viking or weapon wielding, Odin loving berserker that angrily appears during commercials. Drink a double if he is committing a war crime.
Drink and say argghhh if you see a pirate at the game or during a commercial.
Drink at every act of mindless violence Big foot commits during the game or its commercials.
Drink at the appearance of any supernatural creature during the commercials or at the game. This includes demons, werewolves, zombies, vampires, witches, frost giants, elves, trolls, ghouls, or Beckhams.
Drink, and hide your blood shot eyes, if Pete Townsend flashes his old man boobs. Drink a double if Keith Moon and John Entwistle are on stage with him.
Drink if Roger Daltry drops dead of old age after singing hope I die before I get old.
Drink every time broke Bob Dylan sells a song to Pepsi for an NFL advertisement.
Drink at any Kendra, or her pretty playmate ilk, sightings in the stands.
Drink if someone, finally, kills the Geico lizard or Jack Bauer.
Drink at every law enforcement or lawyer themed show pushed by the network.
Drink every time the boogieman on the monster.com commercial gets beaten, chased or cuffed and stuffed. Drink a double if someone that looks eerily like the boogieman is sitting across the bar from you.
Drink at any Saint fan in the stands that looks like he was an extra on the swamp movie Southern Comfort.
Drink if Swamp Thing himself is in the stands. Drink a double if he has a happy Heather Locklear and a jolly John Goodman with him.
Drink if Bill Belichick appears dressed like Alesiter Crowley.
Drink every time Captain Kirk materializes on your screen selling something.
Drink at every John Madden sighting. Drink a double if he smashes through a Miller Lite wall while screaming about his love for Brett Favre.
Drink at every dog, lizard, bear, chimp, monkey or non Tebow gator at the game or on a commercial. Drink a double if its talking or committing an act of violence.
Drink at every dumb zebra call, drink double if its a roughing the Passing Princess call.
Drink if Doctor John is shown in the stands. Drink at every Neville Brother sighting. Drink if Jessica Simpson is in the stands in a pink Peyton Manning jersey.
Drink if you see John Mellencamp, John Hiatt, Larry Bird, Axel Rose, John Dillinger, James Dean or Scatman Crothers in Colts gear at the game. Drink a double if Scatman still has Jack Nicholson's ax in him from The Shining.
Drink at any mention of Huey Long, fixing the Super Bowl, or The Cincinnati Kid.
Drink at any Steve McQueen sighting. Drink a double if Steve is speeding in a car with Tuesday Weld and Ann Margret.
Drink at every dead actor with a speaking part during commercials. Drink a double if its the Duke and he is armed and angry.
Drink if Saints owner Benson says We Are Moving to Los Angeles instead of going to Disney land at the end of the game.
And remember to toast Tom Brookshier.
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