NBA Basketball: Chris Paul's Christmas Trade Wish List for David Stern

First things first, none of what I’m about to write is true. Probably. Maybe.

But if David Stern plagiarizes any of it in his autobiography “Cynicism: What it Takes to Run The League,” don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

What follows is a concise account of Chris Paul’s NBA trade saga. Conveyed in the form of Chris Paul’s letter to basketball Santa a.k.a. David Stern, detailing his Christmas wish list.

Dear Santa,

Thanks for ending the lockout! I’m really excited to be playing basketball again.

Mostly, I’m ready for a fresh start with a new team. New Orleans has been great, but as soon as the management started telling me that Trevor Ariza was a five-time All-Star waiting to happen, or that Emeka Okafor was the next Pau Gasol, I knew it was time to go.

And I just know the Hornets will trade me this season. They would be stupid to wait until my contract is up because they won’t get nearly the same caliber players as they would in a trade.

So, Santa, I’m writing to give you my wish list of teams for my next NBA season.

Please pass this information along to the Hornets’ GM, Dell Demps. The NBA told me that even though the league owns my team, Demps is fully capable of making all the same decisions every other GM in the league can. What a smart move!

So Santa, the very first team on my list is the Los Angeles Lakers. They have such a great tradition and I would love to be a part of another championship in the city.

I think I could help rebuild during life after Kobe, and I could draw more players to the area. Most of all, it would be an honor to wear the purple and gold.

Thanks!

--Chris Paul

Dear Chris Paul, 

What a lovely sentiment. Good try, but the Lakers just aren’t in the cards for you.

Remember all that stuff I said during the lockout? About how we’re trying to fix the balance of power in the league? You going to the Lakers would just swing it right back to the traditional big market arenas. It would leave teams like your New Orleans Hornets in the lurch.

What if I promised to get you Kwame Brown? He’s going to be the next Shaq! I’m telling you, Chris!

So why don’t you just stay in New Orleans for a bit longer? I’ll get Dell to swing some trades and get you some help! 

Thanks for your patience! 

--Santa

Dear Santa,

I’m a little confused. Dell Demps told me he signed off on the trade. He said it was great for the city of New Orleans!

We would have gotten Lamar Odom, the reigning sixth man of the year. Kevin Marin, a great scorer. Goran Dragic who is a very capable point guard, especially when paired with Jarrett Jack. Luis Scola, another great glue guy and a first round pick!

That’s a great nucleus to build a team around.

The Lakers’ top three starters—me, Kobe, and Andrew Bynum—would all have fairly serious knee problems. (That would have been okay, though. Kobe said he would take me to Japan with him for that totally legal platelet treatment.)

So it’s not like there would have been a championship waiting to happen in L.A.

What was the problem, Santa?

--CP3

Dear Chris,

Maybe I slightly exaggerated when I told you that Dell Demps had full control of the Hornets’ franchise.

He has no control. I’m calling all the shots.

That being said, you’re not going to the Los Angeles Lakers.

Thanks for writing! 

Best wishes,

Santa

Dear Santa,

Please? I still don’t understand what’s wrong with the trade? 

--Chris Paul

Dear Chris,

No. Stop asking or you are going to get nothing but coal!

And I’ll trade you to the Charlotte Bobcats! Ha ha! That’s a great small market team.

--Santa

Dear Santa,

Could I pick again? When I was moping around my mansion in Los Angeles yesterday, I started watching highlight clips of Blake Griffin.

That kid is good! I could throw him about 45,789,108,394 alley-oops a game! I think we could really start something here.

The Los Angeles Clippers have always been “that other LA team.” Blake and I could change that!

What a great story that would be for the NBA! Think about it, Santa. Please. 

Yesterday Patrick Ewing Jr. told me that he needed one more season to surpass his dad, and become the next great NBA center. He was serious. He doesn’t even play center!

I can’t take much more of this.

--Chris Paul

Dear Chris,

Eh…

The Clippers are slightly more reasonable than the Lakers, but right now they are only offering to give me—I mean, the Hornets—Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Aminu and Minnesota’s 2012 first round draft pick. 

That’s not nearly enough. Can’t they throw Blake Griffin in there, or at least trade Eric Bledsoe and resign Baron Davis to eat up all their cap space? 

Who needs to throw alley-oops to Blake when you could be setting up Willie Warren for jump shots?

Stop being so greedy, geez.

Sincerely,

Santa

Dear Santa,

Please. 

Please.

Please.

The Hornets would have great pieces to build around. Aminu is young, Eric Gordon is going to be an All-Star, and the 2012 draft is loaded. I promise it’s a fair deal!

I’m begging you.

I would start an L.A. rivalry. Blake and I would be the next big three—me, him, and that Kia sedan he dunked over during All-Star Weekend.

Please. 

--CP3

Dear Chris, 

Fine.

Apparently someone is going to sue me if I block any more trades.

I thought I could retire before all this legal mumbo-jumbo got too serious, but my lawyers warn me that you people are moving very quickly. 

Who would sue Santa? Seriously? Next year, you’re definitely getting coal.

I’m going to make sure that the first round pick the Hornets get is Jared Sullinger. And then give them Harrison Barnes too. And maybe Michael Kidd-Gilchrist.

Why wouldn’t you want to play with that team, Chris? Why?

Whatever. Enjoy the Clippers. The team is cursed anyway. 

--David Stern