2008 Pro Wrestling Awards: 2008 Buddies Of The Year

Once in a lifetime you find a group you can call your own, your posse. In a Calamari's lifetime, that's generally one time when you and your other calamari travel across the seas with your buddies to find female calamari and impregnate them.

Well I'm here to tell you I am one lucky Space Calamari. Why? Because I found the best buddies this side of the Atlantic Ocean and this side of the Galaxy. Who are they you ask?

The 2008 Slammy Award winning "Tag Team Of The Year" They are now dubly awarded by me "2008 Best Buddies of the Year"

Ladies, Gentlemen and squid of all kind, I present to you the winners: John Morrison and The Miz.

You might be wondering why John Morrison and The Miz mentioned me during their Slammy Award Acceptance speech.

Cause were tight that's why. But let me give you a back story or as Prince would say "Dig if you will a picture".

I was honored that John Morrison remembered to mention me. After all it was I who taught him the ways of The Shaman.

It was about a year and a half ago. John was sent to ECW and was about to embark on reinventing himself. One night John had stumbled upon my humble seafood restaurant which was across from a hotel in Minot North Dakota after a crappy house show.

John walked in to my Calamari Shanty Restaurant Bar and Grill, which is decorated with lanterns, netting and film prop extras from Jaw's and John Candy's  80's hit "Summer Rental.” We even have the little fellow named Yorku playing the keyboard to set the mood.

John approached the bar and looked at me and rubbed his eyes.

"Am I seeing things" or are you really a f*cking squid working the bar?"

"Why yes I am” I replied, with a gurgle in my voice.

You see , being an ocean creature, I get dry very quickly So I figured working as a bartender would make perfect sense While no one is looking I douce myself with the Selzter Water spray.

But anyhow I digress.

John was confused and asked me why a calamari squid was working a bar in Minot, North Dakota.

And I asked him why a Hollywood type such as him was in North Dakota wearing fur around his boots.

John proceeded in telling me he was a wrestler for WWE and was sent to ECW, which in Star Wars terms is like getting transferred to Dagobah if you’re a Jedi ( * See Yoda).

John was down and out on himself and questioned if he could regain the WWE’s attention.

I told him it was 2007 and as Bob Dillion wrote, "Times they are a changing my friend"
I told him that perhaps it was time to reinvent his image. After all, WCW Monday Nitro had been canceled.

I didn’t understand why he was calling himself Johnny Nitro. It would be like calling yourself Johnny Worldwide, Johnny Prime Time, Johnny Thunder, or Johnny Challenge. You get the picture.

Johnny Nitro, I mean soon to be John Morrison, told me his life story.

I asked John what some of his favorite hobbies were and he told me he loved classic rock and 60's music.

However, The Shaman of Sexy had an ace up his sleeve. After a long night of chatting after a spring house show road trip, John dejected at his failing attempt to make it and being sent to ECW even though he had so much promise, went up to his hotel room and turned on his FM radio and tuned into a local Minot Classic Sounds of the 70's and 80's radio station in the room of his Howard Johnson hotel room and heard 70's mellow rockers Bread playing.

The very sound of Bread's mellow mood tones and mushy lyrics about giving your car, your house and your vital organs just to keep your woman, nearly made John vomit.

At first John thought maybe that it was an omen and that he should change his name to Johnny Bread or something and do a folk singer 70's easy listening singer gimmick, but luckily right at that moment I came up and knocked on his hotel room door and asked him if he would like some complimentary peyote.

John dropped some peyote in his room, ate Nacho's and watched some Golden Girls on Lifetime Late Night on the TV.

But something happened. Jim noticed the peyote had an unusual effect. As he watched the TV screen he noticed it was slowed down, making it seem Sophia was even walking slower than normal on the screen.

John jumped from his bed and demanded I throw the ash tray and whatever else I could find in the room at him.

Much to John's surprise, he was able to see the ashtray slowed down to a speed of two miles per hour from the peyote.

Imagine it looks like The Matrix when he took the peyote.

John had an epiphany and its name was Peyote!

 As John looked at me (I think he was looking at me, it's hard to see right when your eyes are as far apart as mine) the next song that came on that classic rock station was The Door's "Rider's On The Storm" It was at that moment John knew what his name was to be.

John and I quickly went down to the hotel lobby and into the all night Denny's across the street and I introduced him to some of the locals and I offered up some Peyote to them.

John told me he was going to try his new gimmick and take on the role of The Shaman. After some beer, whisky, some fine women, and more peyote, we took some of the uneaten “Grand Slam” breakfast and showed our new friends John's Matrix like ability.

The more stale food we threw, John Morrison moved in slow motion and dodged everything.

Then John took a ladder from the back of the place, climbed the trash bin behind the Denny's and did a back flip with the ladder in his hands onto the manager of Denny's 1981 Datsun. The move was breathtaking. Then again I hadn’t had water in a while so it could had just been me.

One of the local waitresses, Marge (who looked like a haggard Barbara Mandrell), put her arm around John and asked "How the hell did you do that?”

John sheepishly replied "I am the Shaman of Sexy...I can do anything"

I hadn’t seen John Morrison after that night for about a year. Then out of the clear blue John called me and asked me to hang out in California with him and his new tag partner The Miz.

The Miz and I immediately hit it off. While he is the chick magnet, I am the squid magnet.

One night after partying and getting into all the top LA clubs, we went back to the hotel. Let's just say the night ended with John and The Miz's room filled with circus midgets, a chimp, a half of dozen attractive woman, John swinging from a chandelier and the old Native American from the anti-littering commercial filming it all on 33mm camera with a tear in his eye.

To say it's an honor to hang out with these great boys is an understatement.

I haven’t had this much fun since I gave Britney Spears mouth to mouth after she passed out at an LA club in Feb ‘07, or the time Bill Hader and Seth Rogen gave me a ride when I was hitchhiking out in The Valley, New Years Eve a few years ago.

So it was a delight and privilege for The Dirt Sheet to acknowledge me and for John to give thanks to me after winning “Tag Team of the Year.”

Here's to you John and Miz. If 2008 was a blast, were going to party like it's 2009 this coming year.

Now if you excuse me my gills are drying out.