The Postgame Tailgate: College Football Week 4 Lessons

Since schools are either on the semester or quarter system, it’s difficult to know when the appropriate time may be to offer incoming freshman advice on choosing a major. That said, with the school year finally underway for you quarter-system people, let’s get into some Week 4 lessons to help you on your way:

Physiology

LSU’s defense is stocked with sophomores who have the speed and size to play two or three different positions. At this point, CB Tyrann Mathieu is the equivalent of 10,000 fire ants at every SEC offensive picnic.

Sociology

USC is now the girl (or fella) you want to be interested in, but a gaping gangrenous wound keeps getting in the way of really caring. I’ll let you figure out which mystery Trojan coach is that abnormality. Even Vontaze felt bad. 

Kinesiology

Florida RB Jeff Demps is even faster than we all think, unless members of the Kentucky secondary are reading this. The only real drawback to his speed is his background as a track and field champ—he’ll probably refuse to show up for games against teams with other fast running backs. The six and a half of you who actively follow T&F know what I’m talking about!

Physics

There are few ways to describe the throwing motion and subsequent passing results of Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez. Those few ways include “uncomfortable,” “shot put-y” and “without shoulder influence.”

Public Relations

I’ve been waiting for Alabama RB Trent Richardson to have a big enough game to justify the attention he continues to receive as some sort of superior Mark Ingram specimen.

Yesterday’s game against Arkansas launches him to the SEC’s top running back tier, especially as Auburn’s Michael Dyer and, to a lesser extent, Vic Ballard have a come-back-to-Earth Saturday. The best way to describe Richardson’s Sabado Gigante continues to be this.

Pre-Med

Georgia Tech is now (only) averaging 50 PPG against FBS teams after beating North Carolina, 35-28. As a heads up to the defensive linemen of NC State, Virginia and Maryland, it’s best to treat triple-option induced shin bruising with a heavy dose of rest, ice and elevation.

Psychology

As soon as ESPN’s Brock Huard mentioned that, among Oregon WRs, only Lavasier Tuinei would crack Arizona’s “best in the conference” receiving corps, Wildcat wideouts proceeded to drop catchable ball after catchable ball.

Hey, they might not “affect big games” or “consistently trap thrown passes between their palms,” but by golly do they look good on paper, right?

Biology

If it comes out that Baylor QB Robert Griffin III secretly underwent an offseason stem cell procedure with tissue contributions from 2009's Colt McCoy, 2010's Cam Newton and 2007's Dennis Dixon, I’d nod and think that’d be about right.

Finance

I’ll wait for the official records to be released, but the Big Ten may be single-handedly keeping directional Michigan schools in the black. Note: You can always count on the Big Ten to stay particularly irrelevant two or three weeks a year.

Case in point: The conference’s opponents this week included Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, Central Michigan, South Dakota, North Dakota State, Wyoming, North Texas and Louisiana-Monroe. Thanks, but no thanks, wouldn’t want to care too much about your games.

Journalism

UConn vs. Buffalo happened. Just thought people should at least be aware.

Statistics

After starting 0-3, it was only fair to try and figure out if star Boston College LB Luke Kuechly could out-tackle the total points his own team scored against UMass, especially after Kuechly put up 58 in the Eagles' first three games.

Ultimately, he could not. Thanks for nothing, BC.

Child Development

Because of their fun inability to act vaguely like adults, Arizona coach Mike Stoops and Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino are among a select group of coaches that are endlessly fun to watch your team frustrate/beat.

I’m not sure if it could feasibly happen, but if anyone from the Arizona or Arkansas athletic department has any sort of sense of humor, please do arrange a home and home for an anger-off between Stoops and Petrino. The world must know which of the two is closer to throwing pylons in a fit of rage during a college football version of the greatest coaching temper meltdown ever.

We could even fly Bo Pelini or Brian Kelly in as a guest ref or something. People demand answers.

Enjoy the image of an adult crawling around and firebombing an innocent side judge with a padded orange rectangle guide you into what appears to be an uneven, yet still excitedly top-loaded Week 5. I know I am.

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.