Kansas City Chiefs, Here We Come: The NFL's Worst Teams of Week 3

I miss the Burger King King, don't you?

Sure the demented-looking King gave a lot of people, especially females, the creeps.

The King looked more than slightly perverted and completely deranged which, actually, gave him better qualities than most royals. 

The caped King was a creep but most men in capes are. A king in a cape is truly a foul creature. 

And a king, so downtrodden, that all he could do was hawk cheap burgers and gawk at women is nothing but a beast. But beasts sell burgers; go ask Grimace.

Lots of folks could picture the french fry-reeking, smiling Burger King King, sharp knife in drooling mouth, bad whiskey on his foul breath and lust in his eyes, crawling and cackling up the side of their house on the wrong side of midnight.  

Nothing like a lecherous king, with a false smile on his face and a heart full of hate, sneaking around fast-food joints at night.

At the very least, the crazy eye King kept Sunday television timeouts interesting, much more interesting than yet another boring Manning or Madden spot. 

But Burger King killed the King.

Long live the King!

The NFL's new kickoff rule and the league's endless reviews leave plenty of time for money-making NFL commercial breaks.

I already hate the CBS and Fox fall lineup just because they repeat their bland ads over and over. 

Already I despise the Terra Nova folks and their computer-generated dinosaurs.

And can't somebody put Survivor out of our misery?

I especially want the happy hippie Nature Valley Granola "I just was hoping this would never end" guitar guy to have his acoustic smashed by Animal House's Bluto.

Can't they bring the King back to pelt Andy Reid with post-game Whoopers? 

Can't they have the King kill the Fox Robot?

Can the King banish the "I just was hoping this would never end" hippie man to some dank dungeon?

Long live the King!

1] Kansas City Chiefs [0-2]

Outscored 89-10, the Chiefs are hoping the crumbling Big 12 will still consider their petition for admittance.

If not, the Chiefs could be Sun Belt bound.

2] Seattle Seahawks [0-2]

Pete Carroll is coaching like he thinks Roger Goodell suspended him, like fellow crooked college coach Jim Tressel, for the first five games of the season.

Tarvaris Jackson is still so stunned that someone paid him to be a starting quarterback that he can not complete a pass past five yards, but he is averaging an amazing 8.5 points per game.

3] Minnesota Vikings [0-2]

By the time the Vikings are finished with the doomed Donovan McNabb era and get the Christian Ponder project underway, Adrian Peterson and the Vikings stadium ought to be pretty well shot. 

4] Jacksonville Jaguars [1-1]

Happy Jack Del Rio is rolling out 9.5 points per game and that is just the way he likes it.

The Jaguars are about as bad and boring as a Brad Pitt baseball flick. 

5] Miami Dolphins [0-2]

Judging by the empty stadiums, maybe this pro football in Florida idea was a bad one. The South is, after all, always SEC land at heart.

The Dolphins need less beautiful people in the luxury boxes and more regular fans in the stands.

And an offense would help too.

6] The Chicago Bears offensive line

No wonder Jay Cutler stormed off to stand alone on the sidelines. He was getting beaten up worse than Smoking Joe Frazier against Big George Foremen. 

At least he did not do what the NFL version of Animal House's Niedermeyer, Philip Rivers, does weekly—angrily shout, "You're all worthless and weak!" at all his teammates and storm off the field.

The Bears, playing without an offensive line or a No. 1 receiver, seem to have a single goal: Destroy Matt Forte before he can get a new contract.  

Finishing a fine back in five years is called the Neal Anderson Effect in Chicago. 

7] The NFC West [2-6]

The 49ers could have extended the Cowboys' misery but failed miserably and now we suffer for weeks with tales of Romo's Ribs.

The NFC West is proof of parity, the NFL's dream, so it should be a horribly close race right to a terrible finish again this season. 

The NFL's dream is a defenseless league in which teams score 50 points a week and all end up 8-8.

Season Halted Due To Injury

Indianapolis Colts [0-2]

It become so bad in Colts land that Jeff George has thrown his circus hat into the ring.

For entertainment's sake, the season is shot anyway. Owner Irsay ought to bring him back, but he must bring the mullet and the mustache with him.

Jeff, I hear you callin' / But I can't come home right now / Me and the boys are playin' /

Stupidity Award of the Week

Nothing says Cincinnati Bengal quite like having a few pounds of California weed delivered to your pot-filled house in Kentucky via airmail.

The bonged Bengals are likely now looking for Cedric Benson's roommate so they can pummel him.  

Just because that's how Bengals roll, baby.

Blast from the Past of the Week

Mike Ditka and the 1985 Chicago Bears, sans "Sweetness" Walter Payton and Dave Duerson, are finally getting the trip to the White that was cancelled due to the Challenger disaster just after the Super Bowl.

Let's hope someone asks Da Coach why he only won one.

That ism if the Da Coach goes to the Bear event because, shortly after he decimated the New Orleans Saints, Ditka considered a political run in Chicago.

His Democratic opponent would have been one Barack Obama.