Characters, Quirks, and 25 Pound Ring Girls: 34 Reasons I Miss PRIDE (Part Four)

27) The commentary on the Severn-Kimo “fight”

Ten minutes into this slap fest, Bas and Quadros were openly mocking both fighters. Their tone was one of urgency; one or two more stink bombs like this, and PRIDE would be out of business.

The fight was absolutely atrocious; it was like watching two neighborhood dads fight over the last Keystone Light at the company softball game. But it’s worth watching all the way through just to hear Bas and Quadros tear both Severn and Kimo new holes in their rear ends.

28) SHOCKWAVE

Although PRIDE’s openings were always spectacular, they somehow managed to step it up for the NYE show. The mega cards, the tradition, the pyrotechnics, Nobuhiko Takada in a diaper, and *puts on Jim Carrey mask* THX quality sound that would make George Lucas CREAM in his PANTS. What more could you want?

(On second thought, Beardie Boy Lucas would just do the whole thing digitally … screw him. Yet I digress.)

29) Japanese wrestlers putting their reputations on the line, often against each other

Case in point: Yoshiaki Yatsu. Remember him? He didn’t want to try MMA,  but he did it to appease his legion of fans who wanted him to test himself.

And boy, did he ever. Gary Goodridge gave him an absolute thrashing; Rodney King could have sued for copyright infringement. But you know what? He somehow remained on his feet after about 40 brutal uppercuts, and for the simple fact that he stepped in the ring, he was eternally beloved. Hear that, Kurt Angle?

Honorable mention here goes to …

a)     Kazuyuki Fujita (I’d love to see this guy do a keg stand)

b)     Yoshihiro Takayama (Hey ladies … I hear he’s single!)

c)     Brock Lesnar (I know, I know … it’s the UFC. And as much as I despise him and all the stupid crap he brings to MMA, he deserves respect for stepping into the cage. Even if he is the size of a lunar excursion module.)

30) Knees to the head on the ground

Stop me when this sounds familiar: Fighter A shoots for a double leg takedown. Fighter B sprawls back perfectly, wrapping his arms around Fighter A’s head/body. And … nothing happens!

Look, I understand abolishing soccer kicks and stomps; performing them takes about as much skill as it takes to shotgun a beer.

Knees to the head on the ground, though, would make the ground game 50 times more exciting for your average Billy Blubberbutt. Not only that, but earning side mount would actually be universally better than being in someone’s’ half guard. Any dissenters? You know, besides the guys in charge?

31) The crowd

Sometimes, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. You rarely noticed the PRIDE crowd … and that was the point. You had to basically pour sugar in the entire crowd’s gas tank to get them to boo.

32) Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira

This was an absolute masterpiece of a fight, from the opening bell to the fight ending armbar. You could literally feel Mirko’s disdain and lack of respect for Minotauro, as he repeatedly turned his back and scoffed like a Yankee fan every time Nog would try to lure him into a ground game. Nog took a walloping in the first round, punctuated by a thunderous head kick at the bell that put him on his rear end.

Early in the second, though, Nog was finally able to engage the Croatian head on and wrestle him to the mat. From there, it couldn’t have been more over for Mirko, as he took a few payback blows before succumbing to a particularly grotesque armbar.

I loved the way Nog illegally held the ropes to retain mount; these are the things that happen when you treat your world class opponent like a homeless man who keeps asking for spare change.

After the armbar, Nog flipped out like the kid who got a Nintendo 64 for Christmas in the famous YouTube clip, and Bas briefly lost control of his bowels, and the crowd went insane, and a devastated Mirko shed a tear, and the hot Japanese chick started crying, and just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, they cut to a shot of a smiling Fedor giving the thumbs up. I still get emotional watching this.

If you ever want to introduce someone to this wonderful sport we call MMA, I can think of no better fight than Cro Cop vs. Minotauro.

33) PRIDE 33: The Second Coming

If Gus Johnson had announced this show, his head would have exploded. That would have been it. I remember being slightly inebriated on this particular evening, and then being shocked the next morning when I woke up and realized that I didn’t dream the whole thing. The following crazy things happened:

-    Frank Trigg laid on Kazuo Misaki for three rounds, went backstage and showered, and announced the rest of the show with Josh Barnett and Lon McEachern.

-    An angry Hayato Sakurai KO’d Mac Danzig after allegedly losing thousands of dollars playing baccarat.

-    A Nogueira brother was knocked senseless in 23 seconds by a man who had 3 professional fights.

-    Takanori Gomi, allegedly seen pounding beers in the nights leading up to the fight, had his head used as a speed bag for six minutes before being gogoplata’d by a stoned Nick Diaz. Later, Diaz would have his win revoked because the NSAC decreed that marijuana is a performance enhancing drug. This actually happened.

-    Dan Henderson avenged a previous loss to Wanderlei Silva, and became the only man in MMA’s short history to hold two belts.

-    Dogs and cats, living together … mass hysteria.

34) My personal experience at PRIDE 32 in Las Vegas

Since a chronicle of one of the great nights of my young life could easily be its own article, I’ll just throw you my favorite details and moments, blurb-style …

-    As I tooled around the lower levels watching the fighters’ warm up, wearing the same dumb smile on my face that Andy Dufresne had when the inmates were drinking his beer, I almost literally ran into Murilo “Ninja” Rua and two Chute Boxe trainers head on. Gulp. Luckily for me, Ninja seemed like one of the happiest people currently living on this planet, so he laughed it off and playfully put me in a rear naked choke when I asked for a picture. What a cool guy.

-    At one point, Chuck Norris was 10 feet to my left (and let the record show that there’s no way he’s taller than 5 foot 7), Mickey Rourke was 10 feet to my right, and Fedor was in the ring right in front of me warming up. Talk about a brush with greatness.

-    I heard Kevin Randleman screaming in pain from Shogun’s leg locks … from about 60 rows up. Gut wrenching.

-   Wanderlei Silva came out and challenged Chuck Liddell … in English. At least, that’s what I think happened. For all we knew, he said that pink was his favorite color. We all went nuts anyway. He’s Wanderlei Silva, for Gods’ sake.

-    Fedor’s entrance was mesmerizing; he’s the one fighter who makes crowds go silent when he comes out. It was like seeing a UFO land; my goosebumps had goosebumps.

-    An hour before the show, I called my friend Jared (of B/R fame) for the obligatory “guess where I am right now?” conversation. I wish he could have been there with me, but it was neat talking to him so close to show time. Even if he hated me and wanted me to die.

-    Afterwards, I said to hell with the cab line, and walked from the Thomas & Mack Center all the way back to the Luxor. I called my friend Matt and breathlessly reported everything that happened. It was a euphoric end to a euphoric night.

-    Lastly, I want to thank my father for taking me to Vegas to see PRIDE. That was the best birthday present ever. Thanks, dad.

So there you have it. Listen, I love the UFC. I really do. But it’s like rooting for Kobe Bryant; yeah, he’s the best player in the game, but he’s also an egomaniacal jerk.

And with that, I say RIP to a transcendent mixed martial arts organization. To paraphrase Magic Johnson, “there will nev-a, EV-A be another PRIDE.”