Dana White's Date With Destiny (Humor/Fiction)

Once upon a time, Dana White found it necessary to return to Chicago, that "toddlin' town", to tie up some loose ends for TUF 9, The Brits vs Americans.

Not realizing how dangerous "the Slaughterhouse of the Midwest" can be, Dana soon had ditched his entourage and unfortunately turned his back on the wrong homeless dude; "BAM!" he woke up being rolled off a train in a small suburban town near Peoria.

Dana being completely unaware of how the ordinary residents of such locales act, began cursing and ranting savagely when he found his Rolex, cell phone, identification, and solid gold, ruby-studded money-clip missing.

"What the F! Where in F'n Hell am I and who the f jacked me? When I find that mother f'n bastard I am gonna really F up his F'n dumb ass!" Dana exclaimed. The chief of police and his wife had been walking on the Rock Island trail just outside of Peoria's city limits and upon encountering a bald disheveled man who was cursing up a storm and raving like a lunatic, called for assistance.

Since mental health has been "decentralized" in Illinois and the Zeller Mental Health Institution has become part of the Illinois Central College's Peoria based campus, mental health care has been transferred to a local hospital. 

A police van was summoned and Mr. White was quickly transported to the Methodist Medical Center and escorted to the Psychiatric unit on the eighth floor which has a locked unit, as it were.

"Sir", began the mental health tech, "you must be searched to determine if you have any drugs or weapons in your possession. This is to protect both you and everyone on the mental health unit, Sir."

"Who the F' do you think you are? And who do you think you are f'n talking to, boy?"

"I have been assigned to search you for contraband before you are admitted to our facility, Sir."

"Are you mother F'n crazy? Do you have any F'n idea who I am? I am Dana F'n White and I'll have your ass out of a job you F'n idiot! I am gettin' out of this F'n looney bin and you F'n better keep you mother F'n hands off me or I'll ram my foot up your F'n ass!"

After a speed team was called on Mr. White and he had been stripped, searched and dressed in orange hospital scrubs to denote that he constituted an escape risk and was considered to be dangerous, he was locked in an observation room with nothing but padded walls and a two-inch thick mattress to lie on under a light that would not be turned off (thus he would be easy to see and keep track of while the medication (Haldol) he was injected with, took effect.

The next day, after awakening in the new accommodations, Dana was still not a happy camper and having learned "zilch" from his encounter with saner folks began to "act out."

"Open up this F'n door you stupid F's! Let me out of this mother F'n shit-hole or I'll F'n kill all you F'rs! Do you F'n hear me?"

A very large RN and equally large male orderly entered and read Dana his rights as an Involuntary Admission to the Psych Unit, leaving him a copy and a food tray with oatmeal, prunes, and two cartons of milk, which he unwisely threw at the observation window, thus requiring a return of two male orderlies to clean up his mess and explain the unit rules further to him.

Dana of course, was not receptive and continued to curse vilely at the two men and threatened to kill, maim and cut their F'n "nads" off.

Soon a rather small doctor wearing a white lab coat over a tasteful white shirt with blue pinstripes and a solid blue tie entered the observation room. The doctor was accompanied by the very large RN and two even larger orderlies, in light of the patient's threats and non-compliant behavior.

"Hello, sir. Would you mind telling us your name?" the doctor asked.

"God damn it! I am Dana F'n White, who in the hell do you mother f'rs' think I am!"

The name engendered no recognition of course, (this being Peoria, Illinois, and not Las Vegas), and Dana's veins began to stand out on his head, neck and arms as his anger visibly increased.

"All right, Mr. White. Let's discuss why you are here as our guest at present." replied the doctor with an air of calm which belied his inner feelings of turmoil.

"Do you F'n even know who I am?" Dana replied, thinking what colossal jerk offs this crew was, and then informing them in those exact words of his opinion.

"You say you are Dana White, is that correct, sir?"

"You are God damned F'n right that is correct, you stupid f**k!"

"OK. we don't seem to be getting very far here, so nurse Willis will remain with our two orderlies and you can answer the questions on our admission sheets so we may help you."

"Nurse Willis can shove it up her f'n fat ass! Let me out of this mother F'n nut house before I take someone's F'n head off!"

"I have rights!"

"Yes, you were given a copy of your rights and we have one on your chart as well Mr. White. Now if you will just cooperate with us and help fill out the forms we can notify your family where you are." said the doctor agreeably, just before Dana picked up his copy of his rights, ripped them into pieces and began eating them.

"Oh, my, nurse Willis, I certainly hope that you are able to finish this admission!"

"Yes Doctor. I am certain that with all my years of experience, I will soon be finished with Mr. White." I replied with assurance.

And then, as usual, I woke up.